Friday, December 30, 2005

A Christmas Story

Christmas is back in full effect. Due to the lives of my niece and nephew I am convinced my family single handedly tried to jump start the economy. There were presents stacked three fold. So what do I do? Give them savings bonds. I expect my thank you letter when they can afford one more college book in their freshman year.

I started to feel older finally. Younger people will do that. I do it to my older coworkers and love and so do younger people to me. Sort of a social middle finger to elders.

Dinner at my aunts was only awkward because I finally wasn't at the kid/people who don't know the intricaces of 401k plans table. The best part of the dinner was when my aunt snapped on my grandma and cranked in Readi Whip on her instant coffee because grandma didn't take too well to the flavor crystals of instant coffee. That was the best moment I have witnessed in years at Christmas.

I recommend the Foldgers Latte. Warms the heart and soul.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Naked Women

I am convinced that Heather Graham is one of the most beautiful women that is actually more attractive clothed.

Hillary Duff sure looks like she easily could be Jenna Jameson's younger sister.

Powerful thoughts, I know.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What Concert?

Sorry all, I have been in what the authorities call a car accident. Then to top it off my network has been down for me to write the quality you enjoy reading.

So this past Friday I went to a concert with a couple friends and it was more than memorable. Names are still uncertain in the story as well. After a quick binge at a local bar we hit the venue in time for the headliner. Age showed on our part as we were willing to pay $3 for coat check.

Grabbing a couple more beers we panned the crowd to see what we had gotten into. There was a mix of boppers and clear chaperones. I thought the venue was one of the coolest places I had ever been to but there was a clear problem. We were in the back.

Seats were general admission and plenty of people had locked the place in front of us. Fortunately for us I am 6'5" and was plenty o'drunk. My mentality was a very brash and we deserve it vibe. It worked, since I wrapped it in quick courteousy. I told my friends we should be in the front. Before any discussion I said let's go and we were plowing through the crowd.

Having "a friend up front" is the best story that I thought would take breasts to work. Well, it worked sort of. I was in the clear no one questioned me. My one friend went second and caught a bit of grief. My other friend was third and he caught more elbows and shoving than grief. Some battered more than others we made it. I was five people back from the stage and loving it.

At one point I thought I was the concert. I figured I should be the nimrod to hoist a girl up on my sholders. Now this girl, not frail, nor fat, but she was more than I could bear. I squat down to have her on my shoulders (in a position that sober no one could rise from). As I try to rise, and not spill my beer I fall. Looking to her I rebut "perhaps I am too drunk to handle this."

There is more to this story but the parts I omitted are very much alive. Once caput I will disclose it. Until then, I have one of the best voicemails ever given.

The memories come when friends remind you for the first time.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Stood Up and Loving Every Minute

Last night I was to meet up with the bar fly from two weeks ago after she hit a birthday party for a friend. Alas, she found other opportunities last night and flat out stood me up. Not a problem since I was leaning heavily on the plan of drinking with a friend of mine. However this will add to my reasons of why romance is a fluke to work in your favor. I did enjoy the lessons that she taught me in our brief faux half night stand.

1. I can pick up a girl in a bar, simply sit down talk so that she can't get a word in edgewise so that persistance and desperation summersault over eachother. Then if need be buy a drink for her.
2. The whole ettiquette of not making out in public only pertains to prudes, or people with something called restrain.
3. As easy as they enter, phone numbers can be erased in a cell phone.

Being stood up is great. I see it as a motivation for my next meeting of a woman. First, I will suspect her to be a shady, heartless person. Then I will realize that not all women are like that, and most of the women I base that on were probably on a three month long period. So again, that was my fault. Finally, when all seems to be working out and she stops talking about her family I will let her know of my romantic apprehension. Why? I was stood up recently. Sure that may be a red flag to a girl but most with a common sense of respect will side with the victim- me. Being stood up is the best pity card to play and really allows for us to talk about "what's really important."

Now, that being said I am not so sure any of it will work. See I have this aura to me when out in a bar. I send extra powerful vibes to women that say "I respect your desire for equality. So buy your own drink." I don't like to buy women drinks at bars. Homeless people will chat longer for half as much and at least with them you can already smell the disease they carry.

There are so many ways to find a woman attractive. I remember when I was with the aforementioned gal that night. Shortly after one of the pda's I stopped her passionately, looked her in the eyes and said "wait." She asked why and I looked at her feet. "I don't know if you're aware but the pointier a girl's shoes are the more high maintanence you are." She froze. "Thank God you are wearing round shoes." That is a theory I hold to be in route to being social law.

Fortunately for me I am coming into my own. I know that if I am going to a trendy bar or even a club it is because single women I am going with are wanting to go there and meet new guys. I am alright with the understanding that I am bar ugly. The odds that a girl leaves her place on the prowl for a guy that is pale and lanky with freckles too is absurd. That is why I am proclaiming myself to be house party hot. Give me a few beers, some three month old rap song and five minutes and I will have you somehow captivated. Chances are you are either engaged or dating but you still have that one girlfriend that needs to be dating before she is fully accepted into your circle.

Where is she? Over by the chips and salsa? Jackpot.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Do You Try Too Hard? Exam 1

Look, it doesn't take a union worker to tell us the values of effort. Some folks are putting in overtime on matters that should not be more than a moments thought. They are special people, after all they are quick to scoff if you are not like them. Are you them? Don't worry if you are I very well may still talk to you. (Well, don't come running up telling me you are trying too hard. What am I supposed to do then? Let's avoid the awkward situation, ok?)

1. Do any of your winter hats have a bill? (follow up) Do you have more than one winter hat?
A. If you answered yes, please realize you look like a tool and many people hope you ski like Sonny Bono.
B. If you answered no, don't worry there's plenty of time to go wrong here.

2. Do you own a pair of UG boots and not live in the artic?
A. If you answered yes, for the love of God take them off you winter ho.
B. If you answered no, chances are your pretentious girl is making you buy her some for the holidays.

3. Do you plan on buying the new Madonna CD?
A. If you answered yes, please realize that a 50 year old putting out a club/dance album is a lame as someone buying it.
B. If you answered no, thank you.

4. Do you still recite Dave Chappel lines?
A. If you answered yes, keep it to your fraternity pledge weekends.
B. If you answered no, thank you for remembering Richard Pryor.

5. Do you debate the problems of the BCS system at bars?
A. If you answered yes, get a Jaeger bomb and clue in that only dorks that listen to AM radio care about that.
B. If you answered no, you were probably making fun of the person that said yes.

6. Do you wear long sleeved button down shirts that are striped when going out?
A. If you answered yes, you are every cookie cutter jack hole I see at the bar.
B. If you answered no, chances are you prefer to wear a hoodie; when going to your Magic games.

7. Do you try and bartend/suggest "new" drinks for people when they are out with you?
A. If you answered yes and are not a freshman in college. Let it go.
B. If you answered no that amazes me.

8. Do you go tanning during the winter?
A. If you answered yes and are not a 38 year old divorcee', take off your designer shades and realize how pale we all are.
B. If you answered no, I will see you with the other albinos at the beach in June.

9. Do you read books from Oprah's book club?
A. If you answered yes remember she isn't your friend. And you just made her way rich.
B. If you answered no stay strong you've made it this far.

10. Do you talk about your health club membership or diet more than you use it?
A. If you answered yes I appreciate your influx of initial initiative, for the first three days you were so on top of it.
B. If you answered no well chances are you and your spouse and 2.3 children are doing splendid. But can you really keep it up?

Results- With any of these questions if you answered yes realize you need to back off the social trends and spend time being the obscure person you're running from. Remember the cool kids weren't necessarily the cool kids. They just are the most vocal about how fragile their egos are.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thank You List '05

In the spirit of the holiday that was skipped over to add just a new level of insult to Native American history, I would like to give thanks to somethings and people that are very important to me.

1. Women who still wear pants without back pockets. Thank you, I know you plan on spending other people's money at least we have something to look at while we think about justifying your purchase.

2. Sprint for selling my current phone number to an Indian man. This makes my life so much easier.

3. Working tomorrow. I would end up playing video games until my bladder could not take it.

4. My bachelorhood. I approach the holiday season being one of few in the circle not having to plan for "their family."

5. The cold. This is my social filter that I love. No matter how skilled you are stillettos can't be worn in the winter.

6. MTV Real World Marathons- Now I can finally watch 7 people get drunk for 10 hours straight from the comfort of home.

7. YMCA- for taking my dues without even trying to give me a guilt trip and ask where have I been.

8. Starbucks and GAP commercials- it may just be this time of year but it's so refreshing to see minorities smile on tv.

9. Countdown Shows- someday I can only hope to be one of the inconsistantly funny comics to review the past year.

10. My harmonica teacher- it took a couple hundred dollars but it's nice to know that I am better than physical appearance allows people think.

Classics Fade Too

I went to the video store because Netflix doesn't give me the superiority complex above other people's movie knowledge or selection. There were a few so called classics that I rented. What made this movie mundane to me was the fact that I was told that I would laugh my ass off. Not true. No matter what the scenario is we will still put up defense mechanisms even if it is for something good. Why? No one likes to admit they can't find something good on their own.

This movie called Blazing Saddles. Relatively funny. There were some bright moments but I am beginning to realize Mel Brooks' humor is very generational and immature. Sure let's push limits I am all for that. I am not in the mood to watch someone who just became old enough to swear infront of their parents. This movie is contigent upon racism. Funny but I think that it needed stronger supporting elements. Maybe the other unsettling feeling I have is directly tied to Gene Wilder. Maybe.

I feel bad that I don't appreciate these classics the way older people do. Some point down the road some kid will not see the value of Swingers for example. Blazing Saddles simply half delivered. Older adults like it because they get to hear racist words and laugh with them like they did in the segregated cafeterias. Let's face it we don't need to put a movie in to laugh about racism. Shock humor is something that I think should be common place but as an accessory. After thirty minutes we are forced to tell ourselves- ok I get it. They're white and they're black. That's comedy.

My petition I guess is for us to find more intelligent race humor as we return from the silliness of the PC world. Same goes for sexism, try not to tell a woman the cliche of "back in the kitchen." That is so played people. Let's stop being our grandpa's holiday dinner table punchlines.

The elderly are drunk off experience and feel like all need to see them brag it out like a second semester freshman. "I remember when some group of (insert any nationality) came to our neighborhood..." I don't know how many times I have sat down to listen about how wrong other nationalities are according to the elderly. Then adults will defend them with "well they are old and are set in their ways." They are set in their ways because no one told their seniors to stop being so ignorant. I respect the elderly just not everything they say.

When I get old I look forward to having grey hair but I sure don't want the sagging, wrinkled flesh. Looking like I am wearing an oversized sweater of me. That looks gross no matter what your skin color.

Monday, November 21, 2005

All That Glitters

The weekend brought on many new tales to tell but there are a few more pressing than others. I did a contest show and didn't win but that was not the big news. Besides having a good set, this was one in a long time since we had a rude crowd. Except they were mainly there for one act. Once they shut up we other comics realized that these guys brought the house with people that don't know how to act at a comedy show.

All we knew is that they were from NU. That's all we needed. Every comic after made comments to mock them into silence. Which was pointless but was a consellation prize for us. My favorite comment made was "I hear that we have a bunch of Northwestern students here tonight, do they teach you manners up there or do you have to pay an extra 30 thousand a year for that?" Well said.

I managed to meet a girl at a bar on Saturday but that was not the big story in my opinion. We ended up at some late night bar in the city and I was approached by another girl. Harmless. She asks me my name. Suspicious. Then she asks for my last name. She is the fall guy for some lame-o. She steps aside to show me that one guy I went to high school was there. So we caught up and that was formulaic but still fun since he was in my opinion a nice guy. Yet a nice guy controlled by dicks at school thus making him a puppet. After saying what I was up to he was supportive and then I reply (power of alcohol) "but since you never bothered to give me the time of day in school, this all doesn't make a goddamn difference now does it? I don't even know why I am fucking talking to you. I think I will go back to talking with that girl I met at the last bar. Take care."

Ironically, he and his girlfriend laughed with me. Honesty is so freeing. He knew it, I knew it too. You don't always have to wait five years for a reunion.

Monday, November 14, 2005


White washed necessity
in void of end
yet rampid of obscurity
trembeling for reasons
shadows round corners
it works with fists of frustrations
slipping as pressure glares
for not being more
sterile looks of foreign
thoughts jack knife
busted and steaming these
a velvet drape of insight
concealing rotting potential
thick, heavy, and edged in
manifest tradition
stage is set and
the show must go on
it must

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Can It Be Done?

Tomorrow starts the revival of what is commonly known amongst us as tomorrow. I sit hear with my list of things to do this years. We are a bit off the path on those but some are done. Tomorrow I will be embarking on what I could consider an ideal situation. I wake up to go swim for about an hour, then go to work (after showering of course), and then hit an open mic. With a show on Friday and every day with some sort of performing but Thursday, I very well may combust.

If you don't burn out, you certainly will fade out.


I went out on Saturday to an Irish pub wearing a track jacket saying "Dublin." Going home empty handed is not a matter of swagger or moxy but strategic planning to find a drive thru.

Right now I am at a the peak of romantic-thermia. I am surrounded by couples and can't break loose. It stings right now to be the odd integer at the gatherings but I have grown accustomed to being the guy that will wrench teams at the board game nights and leave it up to everyone to reluctantly go boys v girls. Not that anyone but my friend's family plays board games in an open forum.

We went to another bar and that was great. I think we like bars because they are a weekly highschool reunion. In one section we have the cheerleaders turned cosmotologists, the washed up jocks turned salesmen permiate from the urinals to the closest point of Jaeger. The pariahs are now hipsters, no one gets why they are there- still. Damn black framed glasses.

No matter how nice you are when you are in a bar you are equally as judgemental. There is nothing to do in a bar but speculate. I bet she's a slut. No way he is the bitch in the relationship. Check out that cry for attention by the window. Hey bud, how do you do it? How is it that you are the only one in the midwest to tan in November? Oh a salon? Hey look at the hot girl and her ugly friend accessory.

That is a combination that I think is the most overlooked. An emotional support system for lack of attention and over enrollment in sports for each respectively. When girls clearly are hanging with the less attractive it is like doing volunteer work. How do you give back to the community? I let Jamie come out with my friends. Kind of like a habitat for popularity. Come together to help an other socially deprived person live the dream of...having friends.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in integration of the masses. It is just that some are operating with alterior motives. Who's quota do you satisfy?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Riddle 1

Why is it that ATA is going bankrupt?

The Interview

I have subscribed to one of the all time best bathroom reads, Rolling Stone. This current issue on the stand has Bono's mug hawking the cover. I like U2 very much. I would like to know more about them and how they came to be. I would even like to know more about the individuals but is there a way we could turn down the Bono factor?

He has a 7 page interview, which these pages are huge. I would need to take a pack of Immodium AD to be able to have sufficient reading time. The whole thing bothers me for a couple reasons. 1. I just can't finish this damn interview. It's a goddamn Shakespearean interview that has no end. 2. Bono found a way to come off pretentious on paper. Amazing that someone so humble can come off like his great life was an accident. 3. The interviewer can't come off any more naive with the array of questions being asked.

What is our nation's motive with putting U2 on such a high standard? Is there really no one else? With smash success Green Day maybe but no one else can really take the nation's attention like U2. The Stone are a novelty to us all now. We go and listen only to talk about it like some cheap conquest of social levitation. Aerosmith will never be more than a good rock band that is constantly in the shadows of the Stones and now U2.

Are we only fascinated with U2 because of the resurgeance of how cool the 80s were? Is this all just a giant promotion for a VH1 show that will count down something that can't be ranked by people who can't stay off everyone's "who's that?" list? I am lead to believe that like in film we have run out of good ideas for music. Now we are going back to the last great thing and since reliving the 70s would be more than a catastrophe of glam and roller skating we found the 80s again.

Whether U2 is trying or not they are the heirs to rock. The Stones will die once, well maybe in thirty years when being 100 and on tour is assinying.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


I sit writing this blog now officially back in touch with the Jones'. Working this entry while rocking to "Be Yourself" on my new i-pod video. Freaking sweet. I once thought love of inanimate objects was wrong but this sucker is a idealists ticket to hell. It can do it all, except of course explain why the cords need to be white.

This purchase has been eating away at me for months. Months have I had the patience to hold out knowing that someday I would waste the same ammount of money on a fancy date or car payment and opt for a walking juke box. What does this device mean for me? I now can be as pretentious as the rest of the world only with the latest model. Where you at now bitches?!

Something happened tonight that is more exciting than this i-pod. I have been in touch with one of my teachers and I am going to help out with a sketch show that is to the caliber and talent to be pitched, shown, and featured in festivals. Now I won't be the lackey running to get coffee all the time. No, titles such as assistant produce/director have been used. Is this great? Yes. For my family's sake- no still not getting paid for this but that is the test to what you should really do.

So now it looks like my schedule is back up and running now that our show is closing tomorrow. Hitting the open mics three times a week would be clutch, then rehearsal on the show, some gym time and early sleep on Thursday will let me officially burn out on Friday. With all plans set- please don't call me on until 3pm on Saturdays.

No complaints here.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Worth Fighting For

Right now I have plenty to be riled up about. I guess I will start with the good. Recent commercials indicate that there is a revolution in the midst. Shortly the world will be able to finally purchase a lift up bra without padding! Thank you Victoria's Secret. I can't tell you how discouraging it is to pop the top and realize you've been bamboozeld. Ladies, you want an honest man. We don't stuff our pants, unless we're in a band. Please realize false advertisement takes more than the wind out our sails.

Of all things to revolt about, bras are a godsend. We currently are being ravaged with hurricanes, international warfare, and a new Madonna album but finally our cries for some natural support for our inner vixen are being answered. Someone had to step up and be the mature one. Someone needed to say "Hey, you! Stop shooting over oil and trivial religious beliefs that aren't supposed to impact government! Look at these knockers!"

Sure the whole concept of a push up is like bending the truth- they're sagging, more than you and we would like. But hey, men get a pill and women get underwire draped in satin for $45. The irony of it all is the more we are kidding ourselves the more honest we really are.

This is a revolution of effort. Breasts are trying to work their magic one more time to intice someone the honest that was once there, covered up in a cardigan of stale ideals. It's moments like now that we must embrace the movement. Today's headlines show us that by concealing our beauty we are forcing the ugliest side show- greed. How that area is the only place on Earth that would rather make a buck than get some baffels me. A long time ago all the men in the middle east must have been stood up simultaenously causing a sexual backlash. It's not religious persecution, its centuries of blue balls.

It has been said you are liberal until you recieve your first paycheck. I am convinced you are conservative until you have a glimmer of cleavage.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Dawson's Creek Reunion Foiled Again

So let's face it. Just about anyone from that show's prominence is now lacking all forms of credibility.

Josh Jackson/Pacey- He is a slimey guy who falls in love for the daughter of the man he is trying to coax into returning to work. Great predictable storyline. I bet they live happily every after and he ends up writing the story that his then father-in-law should write. It's on the Fox Family Channel to boot. It is official, Ben Savage has more clout in Hollywood than Josh.

Michelle Williams (so sorry I first called her Mary.)/ Jen- Shagged Heath Ledger and I think even married him. Shit I never thought her acting was that great but he bought the whole thing. Meanwhile, I am still waiting for another type of Knight's Tale movie from him.

Kerr Smith/ the gay kid Jack- He is on Charmed, with at one point Nick Lachey. Better off gay man. Better off gay.

Katie Holmes/Joey Potter- At one point I was the prototype to her happiness. She was looking for a tall, funny, and smart guy. Sometimes I am able to throw that all together. Instead she settled for a short, funny- not funny ha ha, and compulsive guy. Chances are I will win an Oscar before Tom. With actions shown in the past six months I am waiting for a joint split and affair between Tom and Brittany. I certainly hope someone will love Katie as more than a high score for their diety.

James Van Der Beek/Dawson- Smart man. He left tv, made two movies. One tanked. The other is Varsity Blues. He ruled during the show, and apparently after. James has left acting for a while to raise his family and watch every new WB show as it tries to replicate the angst, pubecant intelligence, and unnatural eye brow girth that he gave weekly on the show.

Some people like to suggest that nothing lasts forever. If that is true explain reputations.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Up in the Rafters

This past Saturday I retired something very sacred. Upon the completion of the night I will never wear the Scooby-Doo costume again*. (Unless well I take it to say a D3 soccer game in WI for old time's sake). It was a magical night, I finally conned some friends to dress as the whole Scooby-Doo gang. The whole gang was there. Sweet.

Now there is something to be said for a 6'5" person adding another 6" in costume. For those that are unaware let me walk you through the moment. First off I was last to dress as all I needed was to dress slowly to avoid further tears on the seams. On with no problem. Then I go to zip up and my lankiness stretched the fabric taught and it popped the whole zipper off. The actual silver part! After immediate running to women to sew it up I fixed it on my own. Resourceful- I know.

I wear shorts over the costume for the inseam was meant for someone that maybe is 6'. Snugness is something you want in a sleeping bag not a contouring costume. To avoid any Scooby knuckle I put mesh shorts on with a hole cut for the tail. What is more interesting about these shorts is that I inadvertantly wore them once when I went for a run at the gym. To add insult this was the one time I had to use a treadmill in the front line.

Back to the party where I was ready to rock out to a cover band for the third time. Yes, I have now seen the same coverband three times in the same year. I don't know what is more sad, that fact or the fact that I plan on seeing them at least once more because frankly this band is so good. I dread that the band thinks my friend and I are gay for the band. They just have a good set list, minus the Styx.

So there was a handful of skanky schoolgirl outfits. And just like my Catholic highschool, none spoke to me. That's fine I am sure they have herpes or something like that. There was one trick that chose to dance for the crowd and when her pelvic thrust was in play you got the frontal skibby view. Tragically she was a black widow, the kind that do you and then probably rip your head off after.

I saw an older gal there looking at me about five different times. No lie. Just misconception. She was making eyes at her even older man that took her to the show. I am an idiot. If I am going to be a gigalo I really need to realize that demographic starts at 40. Even mid thirty year old women cling to their party past tough enough to really control the situation. I tend to get into the girl that looks past me too often, which makes for great comic viewing as long as you're not me.

Maybe beer tub girls are really lonely. These may be the girls for me. Working girl, hot, likes to coax money from me by calling me sweetie and complimenting me in ways that are clearly impacted by lighting. My friend thinks that every guy in the room hits on the girls. I think too many guys think that. If I ever near another relationship I certainly hope that it is with a very attractive girl like that so I can ask her all about the power of the ass pant.

Those are amazing aren't they? Just proves that keeping it simple says nothing about the limitations to the imagination.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Scent of a Woman

I am lead to believe that women are my kryptonite. However, I may as well be wrong. It may be the perfumes and body splashes that render me financially and romantically helpless. The thing is that most perfumes do a good job and smell exactly how you think that woman should. Of course I am completely ignoring anything Elizabeth Taylor has made that is grannywear.

There are certain moments that I am sure you ladies are aware of. One is the walk by. You saunder by and ooze sexy and confidence we see that. Then like a smack up the head for staring too long your scent lingers to us. To me the name of your perfume is how you would like to be treated or what is important to you. Heaven, Angel, Sweet, White Diamonds, No. 5.

As wonderful as many of the women in this society have been trained in their scent etiquette there are a few rank skanks that stick out. When a guy comes off as clueless all we need is to zip up the fly. Someone needs to intervene with the women that smell like they should be at bingo.

I walked into an elevator the other day and I was jumped with the horrific oder of some women's spray. It was so bad I was almost hoping for some guy to fart in there. Almost. When something like that is so pungant I would certainly hope you could realize that you are in too deep. Please tone down the perfume, unless you are needing that level of cover-up then please see a doctor or shower. I feel short changed if I am getting a headache from you and I have yet to hear you speak.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

All Fired Up (Not all Cubs Fans Just This One)

Never before have I directly responded to a comment. But this dumb pompous nameless chump signed my last entry about the best Chicago baseball team, not by bear sales, not by ticket sales, not by sorority members in the stands, nor by number of professional players that blame a fan for choking on the verge of greatness.

This will charge me up real easy. Here are the comments of this one cry baby that is probably frustrated that next year always is a year away.

"For all the above reasons stated in this blog I will forever remain a Cubs fan. Nothing written in the above even comes close to swaying me from my loyalities to the North Side." -None of us want a bandwagon hopper. However, once you realize the sinking ship your on, just say the magic words and the Cardinals will still be better than you.

The following 10 reasons make my convictions in support of the Cubs stronger, but this list is not meant to be exhaustive:

"1. My parents raised me correctly. " - Stupidity is genetic, anyone who can read knows that.

"2. My grandparents raised my parents correctly." - Chances are like the Cubs, your grandparents are at home confused on how they are there and not where they should be.

"3. I do not find women who could physically hurt me attractive." - You're a Cubs fan. We know you're a pussy. Anyone can beat you up.

"4. The mayor might be a no nonsense kind of guy, but the tax base of the greatest city in the world which allows him to be said guy live, work and play on the north side. " - That's white people you are talking about. Thanks for confirming how little respect "upper-class" gives minorities.

"5. Taking your life into your own hands to see a baseball game is not my style of fun. Even the police get hazard pay to go to the South Side." - Ok, there were more rapes in the past couple years on the NORTH SIDE. So put down the J.Crew catalog and read a goddamn paper.

"6. Blue collar and white collar fans (i.e. Bill Murray, Tobi Keith, God) cheer for the Cubs, while trailer-park trash (i.e. Kid Rock, Paris Hilton) cheer for the White Sox." - Bill is the only fan I would like to be with us. Any reference of Toby Keith makes you and your team more ignorant, right wing sensationalist, dueche bags. I could write all about how Toby is the downfall of all things civilized and self-respecting but I know to save that for a later time. God, God. Really God?! God is a Cubs fan? God loves sinners when they show remorse; not blame fans sitting out of bounds. If God is a Cubs fan then Wrigley is the purgatory that will never end in satisfaction.

"7. All of the Cubs players at least speak english. Most of the Sox fans don't speak any identifiable language at all." - Those are actual baseball terms and strategies. See we watch the games, not the collection of MILFs splurging on alimony.

"8. To be a Cubs fan you at least need an understanding of the game of baseball. Sox fans are still learning how to use rudimentary tools." - Chances are your house was built by a Sox fan, and chances are your interior decorations were planned by a Cubs fan. Side note. The true test is to ask a "Cubs Fan" to name 5 players on the team. I can't count the number of fans that could barely name 4.

"9. Cubs fans sell out Wrigley Field everyday and support their team through thick and thin. Sox fans can lay dormant for decades like cicadas or herpes." - Yes, Wrigley sells out. It's a beer garden. There is a saying about Sox ticket sales. Do you know why so few people go to Sox games? They're at work. A herpes reference from a Cubs fan? Seriously, to fit in I might as well do a gang shooting reference. Just remember you are what you eat, or lick.

"10. Cubs fans become laywers, doctors, architects, business leaders and pillars of the community. Soxs fans clean those pillars." - We clean those pillars since we built them. The mayor is THE leader and he is on our side. Being a Cubs fan in all honesty is a social move. It is not a traditional move by most in their life. You are a fan because you were told to be or you were a fan because you were trying to get into someone's pants and ran out of bars on Rush street.

I do think Wrigley is a great place to see a game. Too bad most don't go for that reason. I did not want to reply in such a tone since I like Chicago a lot and I have been to Windy City Classics and had a blast. This is a game that someone is crying that they lost. Never did I mention in my original post that we should shun the Cubs. I was treasuring the very ambiance that others mock.

The Sox our my team. You have every right to criticize them, but they already know that they aren't perfect. So good luck on that.The point here is amazing. We hate ourselves. Cubs fans are similar to Sox fans, we both consitantly suck. Every once and a while we win. It has been almost fifty years since this last happened and someone wants to debate the ethics and status of what fan should be able to piss farther. Whether a Cubs fan or a Sox fan; shut up. You are creating the worse kharma ever. Cubs have their scapegoats, Sox have the scandal. We still lost. WE STILL LOST. It had nothing to do with the what union they belong to, or what fraternity they pledged, or who allowed pink hats for the team to sell, a ball was not hit.

Your life has become more trivial than any stat on ESPN, any collector's item, or any autograph you have. Fans are not meant for the level of prominence as the team. They are meant to support the team to that prominence. You, sad as you are, alone with your corked bat, urine hand lotion, goat, fan interference, seventh inning distraction, crumbling stadium and legacy- did not win. The fundamentals, basics, "rudimentary skills" were void from daily participation.

It is as equally hard to lose as it is to win. By now I thought the Cubs fans would know this. But then again I am just an ignorant Sox fan.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Still Staring at the Truth

I am rendered speachless about the White Sox. This is the greatest thing ever. Besides my inevitable romantic relationship with Kelly Clarkson, or Mandy Moore- I digress. There is nothing better to see than a team that hails across the highway from housing projects be on the verge of being undisputable champion. Forget location, it's motivation that matters.

Enough of the saga of the Sox though. I am about 14 hours away from trying to get the hardest ticket in my life. There are so many strategies that I feel more dorked out than when I learned the Contra code. My favorite thing about seeing a struggle end in success is the burden visably lifted off the faces of older people. I spent twenty minutes with my mom day dreaming the experience of a championship clinching moment. She told me that she would pour her pop out on my head.

When the Sox win it will be the most insane party in Chicago. The city will stop still, mainly since all the people working are Sox fans. The mayor is a fan. Goddamn is that great. Why? He comes from a blue collar don't fuck with me mentality.

Maybe the ambiance of the Cell is intentional. By having the projects close, gang signs on street signs, and women that could beat the snot out of any visiting fan kept our field sacred to us. No beer gardens. Drink in the parking lot or the stadium. Radio stations won't even make it to the Cell. Now they are forced. There are about 50 scared pansy radio hosts who claim the south side have "passion" that would make most people wear kevlar. I like this moment because it will show people that sure it looks not so pretty, but we play ball here too.

This is not baseball. This is an arm full of self inflicted bruises, constant eye rubbing, and the first time that many south siders have read the paper since the Bulls return to the playoffs.

I am getting circular here, so I guess I will go back to re-reading the paper.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Vac-Ay Day 6 Review: Culture Crunch

So sure this happened eight days ago but it is the final chronicle in my vacation. What better way to spend a rainy day then to watch college football and interupt the one person reading every fifteen minutes so that no one can achieve anything all day.

Once night fell, we went out for a Spanish play. Yikes, my Spanish has slipped moreso than I hoped. It was a love story about how we refuse the people in our lives since they are not our ideal prototype. That moment was full of irony since well I can never seem to decide on someone being a long term romantic possibility. I found the theme to be summed up in words that may come easier to most of us than saying I love you... your flaws are tolerable.

We caught up with friends for one final debacle of debatchory. This place in the AM screems of college mentality where all pack in to watch sports and drink specials when the lights go on. I bought my first round of lunch boxes since leaving Wisconsin. D.C. Prices are much higher than the cow tiping capital but oh well. When I chug that drink it magically takes me to a dive where some fraternal/sorority formal took place.

The spectator sport of the night was watching an older - and I mean much older woman trying to play on a younger guy. I am all in favor of the sugar momma. Something about their ability to spend their husband's pension on me that is a very attractive. This woman put her hand on the seat for a good 15 minutes while boy'o went to the potty. There came a point in the night that I was on the verge of stepping behind her and saying "come on mom! Dad only died six months ago!"

My bar assesment of DC women is that it is a priority that they are seen as smart sexy more than fun sexy. Whereas in the midwest there is a bout for wholesome sexy and classy sexy. It is impossible to live in DC and not be smart. If you are an idiot and living in DC you clearly are a tourist. The IQ of the homeless people in DC I am sure could out smart most homeless people. That is something that Alec Tribec should focus as the next Jeopardy promotion- Homeless Week. Come see which city has the bums that with a nights stay at the HOJO, a clean shave and a toothbrush could very well be your boss.

I was able to catch up with Paul again before I left. We went to some house party where he with held valuable info- they were cashed of all things alcoholic. I was at the point where I needed to go home; I started smoking. This display is to only confirm my obsession with abrupt mortality. That and I love the pain it causes for days after even though I never inhale.

Alas, we went on to another bar, why? It is the farewell tour of one group of hodgepodge folks in a land of ideals and restrictions. Whoa! tangent - back on track. So we went to this place that fired me up for a number of reasons. 1. They told me I could not wear my hat back words. I then turned it around. 2. Another person then told me I could not wear a baseball hat there. 3. The person we were meeting up with was sweating one of my friends that I came with, and am definitely attracted to. 4. I knew I was too drunk and fired up so I held off from drinking or even saying a word. (for me to stay silent something is wrong) 5. Leaving the bar some chump was wearing a hat in there.

DC is full of politics but somehow still gets away with calling them parties. Right on, everyone wants to f eachother, whether literally or professionally is the only question.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Vac-Ay Day 5 Review: Blood, Wet, and Beers

It was last Friday that I had even more vivid memories made. I crashed at my friend's and they have about three cats there. I am alergic. Now, that is only one reason why I think cats are pointless to life. The other is that the damn things insist on jumping from the windowsill to my chest or crotch. Whatever pun you find necessary please insert.

One leap woke me up and I ended up feeling a drip down my face. I touched my face fearing cat urine and finding deep red blood. This stuff would make a Columbian jealous. I rushed up and covered my face. It was dripping in my hands consistantly. I went to the bathroom sink where I spent the next 15 minutes, no joke trying to stop the bleeding. It was scary when I out of desperation leaned back to only have a mouthful of blood leak into my mouth. I spit a glob of blood that even grossed out my friend. Once I knew that I was ok, we stepped out to the pouring rain. With what soon was a theme- no umbrella.

Later that night my other friend came into town and she was in need of the getaway. We planned on going to see Kevin Pollak and did so. However, it was still raining steadily and we HAD NO UMBRELLA! I am typically against them, but when it looks like we just came out of the shower they are needed.

Hoping to keep the cost of the night down we went to the liquor store to pick up a couple 5ths to bring in. We then drank in one of the walkways and were moments away from selling Streetwise. Upon entering the club we sat down drench and soon enough saw the man. If you haven't seen Kevin do so. He is so very talented. A great Walken bit and decent Shatner.

After that, we hit the bars again. Soon it turned into another throwdown. There were crazy girls dancing on the benches. One in particular was my favorite. Butterfly, I called her, was battling her own balance, drink, and ability to look sexy. I tried to get Matt to dance with her but she was a slinky on the dance floor.

Then there was Chris. An alledged vet from Iraq. "Just back" mind you. See that was the excuse Matt was going to use do to his neo-nazi haircut by the Chinatown barber. (that's a blog itself) Anyway, Chris thinks that my friend and I should spend the night together and what have you. Little did he know that all three of us put in for the hotel, so I expected her to be with us.

I went to offer him a free drink on the basis that he was not bs-ing me. Chris then was animate about getting me a shot. I associate this to my friend being very attractive. Somehow, I won't ask Chris found it necessary to spend time with me more than anyone in the bar for about 15 minutes. He returned with a tequila shot, which almost did me in.

The great thing about staying til last call is walking out of the bar and realizing that there is a gentlemen's club next door. Sure it closes at the same time but every one of those girls has their rides pull up as they are at the door. I understand the trust issues there but come on, leaving without saying hello only to get into a Dodge Avenger shames us all.

Doesn't it?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Vac-Ay Day 4 Review: Legal Signs

Day 4 had a lot of things packed into it. I'll start at night as most of this vacation did. We went to one of my favorite Spanish restraunts Jaleo and had some tapas. Big horizon expansion because of Paul. He ordered monk fish with egg plant. That is something that is as eqaully impressive to eat as it is to order. That is nothing to what was the main course- partying with some AU law students.

I always hear that law students work so hard and make very precious moments of the free time they have. Well by about 11 the bar was packed with people convinced of their need to reed the thickest books ever. I enjoyed the fact that there were blow pops and licorice at the bar for those on E.

I knew that law students are damn smart but when did they have some of the hottest women? Blew my mind that these attractive women someday want to practice law. Sexist? No, I am glad to see the smart and sexy combination somewhere else besides on the WB.

Here is the sub plot. Our hotel bathroom was horrible. Flushing was a purely at the discretion of the toilet. That made for difficult times when one needed to take a read. With that being said I had to go. At the club. You can't go at the club. No one can. Men are given a 20-35 second grace period for any bathroom break. Women, roughly a day and a half. I thought I could make it quick, and well that was again not to be in the cards as the knock at the door was more ominous than any a law enforcement official could make. I played the rest of the night at half speed.

Prior to and after that break I met a girl that was 1. very attractive 2. wanting to talk and 3. a law student with a sense of compassion. I had to talk with this girl. She wanted to leave shortly because of her being "tired and broke." Alright pumpkin I can pick up on that code. -Would you like me to buy you a drink? "Sure." Now this is a test here. When anyone asks to buy your next drink you should pick A) what you have been dying to try at the bar B) anything that is top shelf to show class C) what you could afford if buying next.

C. The answer is C. But that's ok. I bought a great round of high end bourbon and talked with a sweet girl that honestly would have not. I made her laugh and she gave me her number and invitation to a party all on her own accord. Who knows how long the night could have went if her ride had not given her the witching hour look. Then again she may have just been looking for a ride home.

Looks like I should have bought one more bourbon. I am so bad at picking up signals.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Vac-Ay Day 3 Review: Over Under pt 1

So the day started much quicker than planned, for I checked my flight and low and behold I did not have the 10:10 am flight. I had the 6:45 am flight. What a moron. Fortunately that was not a problem to get to. So I land at Reagan at like 9:30am and realize that well I am 2 and a half hours ahead of schedule. There is only one way to compensate that extra time- I took the bus.

So I am outside Union Station and I see a smoking girl. Nice way to start the trip, eye candy for all. Trick or Treat is the question. We end up going on the bus together. Red flag #1 attractive people never use mass transit. Never. They've got bitches to drive them places. So here's the kicker... she's deaf. She ended up chatting/ signing with another deaf man on the bus. A pure love connection I am sure. It lead me to my first quandry of the trip- would you ever have sex with a deaf person? Lights on would have to be accomodating in the slightest.

The hotel. Expedia ranked it as a 1.5 star hotel. That's no good. It was $70 a night and between three people it was cheaper than a round of drinks. Located on the north east side with the rest of the government programmed citizens, this crap hole was painted a mild pastel green.

Upon entering I see a nice marble floor. Sweet! Then I look up to see the plexiglass encassed front desk lead by former 7 eleven management. I take the elevator up (noticed it was last inspected in 2003 to be up to code) to my room that should have been rented by the hour.

When all my friends get there, they praise my internet booking savvy. I go to relax on the chair in the corner but I fall right through it. The pool was under renovation as well.


So then came the drinks. A couple martinis, a Jameson shot that came out Jaeger, then a couple beers and then some chow. After making an impromptu bar crawl in DC we went to the Mad Hatter. I love that place. We loaded up on Coronas and began a joint effort to annoy people.

We played over under on the collective age of a group of people. I got it right on. Then this older gal comes over flirtatiously - "why didn't you guess my age?" I began to tell myself- because you too goddamn old looking. I told her we went in groups of three. She insisted on having me guess her age. HORRIBLE IDEA! Figuring I was not planning on getting with her I said 26. She was 24. I waited for a drink in my face.

Nope. She told me that she is trying to look older for her new job. Probably with the AARP. So I realize the opportunity to practice my bar interaction. I invite her to sit and chat. She introduced herself as blah blah blah. Humbly I know that she wanted attention that night. But I was on to her antics. She is one of those girls that pull their pants up past the waist to make it look like they have a smaller waist line. Be true ladies. And if you want to look older, I thought it was common knowledge to put your hair in a bun and button shirt all the way up.

Playing over under with a group that doesn't want to play is a great way to come off as a dick- or in their opinion, people from New York. They asked if we were from there. We said no and listed from all over we were, and then took the over under on how many of them were going in to work the next morning.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Vac-Ay Day 2 Review: Whoa! That's Heavy Doc

I am mentally exhausted. I just watched three movies back to back to back. They are some of the most challenging films made in the past few years. I started with Million Dollar Baby, then Crash, and closed with Mullholland Dr. My mind is mashed potatos and well I love it.

Million Dollar Baby- I spent a good portion of time realizing that I would see this film and intentially skipped any review. What a message to deliver. My hat is way off to Clint on that one. There is something about having Morgan Freeman narrate. I would like him to be my voicemail recording. So dramatic and pensive at the same time. It would be impossible to leave me a mean message with the soothing voice of Morgan "the gate keeper" Freeman there. Overall, Oscars were deserved. Four stars and big tip- not a date movie.

Crash- do not rent this movie. Buy it. I am convinced I will watch it a few more times this year alone. There are so many rich characters that you can't focus on them all. It's not possible. Again, the message told here pushes racial issues, fears, and stereotypes. If you watch this movie and are not moved to evaluate yourself and how you treat others, go put on your Sunday's best since you're dead to the world. Even some bubblegum chick could pick something up from this. Hell Sandra Bullock and Brandan Frasier are in it- and don't ruin it. Finally some director understood that if you needed them to show more affection they would randomly start to fall all over the place. Five stars and big tip- this is one of the heaviest messages that is easiest to pick up. Did I mention Tony Danza has a cameo? That is a Vac-Ay Day 2 moment to remember.

Mullholland Dr. - If you want you mind to be violated and left to stare at itself then rent this immediately. Possible owning film and not just because of the lesbian encounters on film. Although I am theorizing that those scenes helped push Oscar consideration. "The cinematography was great in the Peter Weir movie." "Yes, but there was no girl on girl action." "True."
This film pushes themes of Hollywood, and well personal advancement and the price we will pay. Painted vaguely clear with a surrealistic brush this movie earned so much respect even more so in the final thirty minutes. Four stars and big tip- this is not a family night movie. I take that back, if you went to private school bring this home to let your folks know what really happens.

And I did it all without Netflix. That company will crumble like the rest once this internet fad has gone away.

Vac-Ay Day 1 Review: Open Wide and Swing Away

Sweet Christ is it nice to be on vacation. Never from the blog though. So Monday was day one and it was frankly delicious. I went to visit a good friend of mine and he was even open to procrastinating on his Phd work. Now that's a friend.

I arrived at about midnight and was quick to be introduced to the keg-o-rator that we gave for his wedding present. With wifey out of town there was not a contrary thought to a midnight beer. It was grand, even for Budlight.

Waking up at umm 10:00am was another treat. See this is the inverse week here. Instead of working 50+ hrs it is quite possible that I will sleep 50+ hours. That plus the array of friends I plan on catching up with, and plenty of boozing will only let the golden era continue on. There is something we need to talk about.

Life is so stressful for all of us who are not on marijuana. We need a release right? Well after my banana bread breakfast (alliteration 5 pts) we then went to do what any mature guys would do at 10:45 in the morning- we went to play home run derby. Now my slider with the whiffel ball is still freak nasty but alas, no bite. My friend damn near tripped on the sinker though.

The problem there was that the bat and ball were in my trunk the majority of the summer and thus were softer than the top of Bush's head. We switched out to tennis balls and well the Tall Lanky Bastard brought out what is called in the yard, the lumber. I was not all offense either, my little league all star form returned to pitch three solid innings with only three earned runs. A battle of rivals to only be seen on a Monday morning with a stellar crowd of a scary shirtless running man, and a eerie girl that was a bit too big for the swings at the playground.

When men finish a hard fought competition there is only one place to go for postgame recaps- Steak n' Shake. There is something about getting your shake served to you by a girl that makes R Kelly find an aliby, Does anyone know if excessive eyeliner is in the dress code for employees there? Diner goth is so hot!

Back to the matter at hand. Flavor fest. This joint has really focused on the shakes of late and that is a plus since the meals are something that rival my college cafeteria. I had the best shake in years. A strawberry fudge cheesecake shake. Fan-freaking-tastic. Taste was true to name, just without the hassle of chewing. So good, so good. You know when you had something special when you burp hours later and can still revel in that taste in the back of your mouth. (don't be grossed out- you know what I am saying.)

The big lesson to be learned from yesterday (besides to not let a curve ball hang out there in front of me - damn!) was that one most be responsible enough to realize being irresponsible is necessary too. Of course that is best in moderation, with friends around, beer, and while the wife is out of town.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

This Just In

My cousin passed the bar. Congrats to him and beware Illinois you know not the wrath of articulation bottled up over the past eight years of higher education. This is a great moment. I sure hope he has been rockin the scotch. I know I will.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Unofficialy the Best Cab Ride Ever

***Writer's Note: This entry contains strong content that may if read over your shoulder by your boss, pastor, rabbi, or grandmother could result in a lecture, time out, fine, finger pointing, excessive questioning, or even termination- of internet provider. That being said hop on in.

Saturday marked the one year anniversary of one of the finest blocks by a friend on me. That moment was a great and always revisited memory. I am thouroughly convinced that the reminising is far better than any shared moment with that girl. One year later her helter went away and she was sporting a sophisticated black tank low cut top and some crazy red vinyl/leather skirt. I didn't say hello it just wasn't right with my friend not being there to help destruct the night.

After leaving that fine establishment we partook in one more beer before realizing how much shorter the night should have been. We grabbed a cab. And within a moment I met the best cab driver ever that took us on the most memorable mile and a half ride.

His name Pedro. Maybe you know him. He drove a fine cab, the kind you would send your mother to the airport in. However this was no trip to the airport. We were in route for pizza and fast. Now I exchange words with him before getting into the cab. "Thank God you're not Yellow Cab!" He replies "Yeah, I know. Tell me about it."

Pedro and I apparently share the same affliction for Yellow Cab and I must have been that safe zone he was looking to voice his opinion. "They fuckin' suck." "The drivers are rude and don't know how to drive" Now I was not looking to partake in that debate but I sure as hell was ready to hate on Yellow Cab. Fortunately, Pedro was able to do all the talking.

When Pedro took a second to catch his breath I mentioned how cool he was to tell it how it is. I then up the anty. "Pedro, I will pay you an extra $2 if you tell a Yellow Cab driver "fuck Yellow Cab." "No problem man, I hate Yellow Cab!"

Then Pedro did something not every cabbie does. He opened up. That man needed a hug I swear. "See, I see so much when I drive, and no one know what I see, but I see it all. There is no reason for you to stay with any woman you meet at any of these bars, at this hour. They are after your money and will take your will to live." (or something close to that) "I am a social observer, I don't just watch the traffic lights, I see people being manipulated and being taken to the cleaners..."

The cab stops. I wonder why.

"Hey boss!" Pedro shouts at of all things a Yellow Cab driver. The Yellow Cab stops in it's tracks. Pedro sticks his head out the window and screams "Fuck Yellow Cab!!!"

For two dollars I learned I was not alone. For two dollars I saw a man finally speak his mind. For two dollars we laughed our asses off for a reason that was so trivial we needed to focus on it.

Life is well worth the price of admission.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Take One Pass It Along

Right about now we are on the verge of one of the best times of year, Fall. I sure enjoy the season that brings us bright colors of foliage on its last limb, football, and the end of bees and mosquitos. During the late summer and early Fall I am blessed with hayfever. Nothing big, just some random sneezes and red eyes.

Today in particular I came across two people that amaze me for the same reason. They volunteered information that they are carrying contagious bacteria and still proceed to pass it along. One woman admits to having pink eye and then shakes my hand. Hello! Pink eye! I remember the people in school that got pink eye, they were the ones that always made me wonder about their daily hygene practices. What got me more is that we all know how much of a pain pink eye is to have. It's not as leisurely as some other infections. This thing takes work and countless reminders to people that no you don't smoke weed, but you just have pink eye.

Another person today was my guitar instructor. Nice guy and very cool. However he was recovering from an apparent chest cold and "couldn't kick it." FYI if you have an infection that can sideline a professional athlete- stay home. So after he confesses that he still has lingering issues he coughs on his hands, and then drapes them all over my workbook. Great, I learned the song but will be out next week with a mutated chest cold.

There was nothing really humorous about those anectdotes but I hope you won't come near me sick.


God bless I wish the Sox would stop sucking. This kind of collapse and emotional attachment has me feeling like a Cubs fan...except I can name 5 players on my team. (for those that claim to be Cubs fans, give the simple test of naming 5 players without help. If they fail then ask them to name 5 bars around Wrigley)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Easy As That

I am blessed. Really I am. Upon my return home my frustrations were mounting with every tilt of the brake lights ahead of me. I will say this once but in multiple ways. I understand the I-Pass lanes are relatively snug but drive your goddamn car at a speed that will not create a traffice jam for five miles. No one (you wife included) cares about your piece of shit Altima. MOVE!

Phew! That was close, I almost had road rage and that is well - a bs crime. I am really trying to be a stronger person and I finally succeeded. Upon signing off of hotmail I was briefed with the latest Britney update. Something about her singing bad hair songs. I wanted to click it- badly.


I stayed strong for a number of reasons. The first being I had my Britney awakening. I no longer open links about Britney Spears with the fantasyland dream that the story will end with a link to her new pictorial in Playboy. Afterall she has eliminated the middle person (Hugh) and simply married a scuzzy guy to oogle her every move.

My friends and I were speaking about this theory. Burned out celebs use that magazine to lite a 3 minute flame on their exhausted 15minute candle. I predict with this kid, in 18 months she will be there. Saving her career, and the magazine.

Redemption is beautiful even more so when it pins up.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Where's Your Heart? (caution a soapbox moment)

It takes a horrible thing like a natural disaster to come and show a person's true character. People cry, run, stay put when a three day notice has been given, whatever. That is not the character that troubles me. Something troubles me more than even the looters and their ignorance to put a 50" plasma tv in a canoe and paddle off. Nothing like an aquatic larcen to make matters worse. I personally think those dumb asses should have to plug in their wet stolen merchandise for a punishment.

I have noticed the press' coverage of the relief effort. It's moments like broadcasting how much a celebrity does that pisses me off the most. I remember good ol' Sandra Bullock strutting 1mil for 9/11. Hell I would pay her 1 mil to stop making movies and go with the rest of the Surreal Life Hopefuls and hide in the Hollywood Hills. Charity is something we as people do with understanding that we are to recieve nothing for it.

PR is something that Hollywood and other sport celebritiies need to back away from. I do appreciate their efforts at bringing a nation together. But there is a huge reason that we keep them as far away from impacting legislation as possible. They are and always will be 100 times more vain than actually genuine to a cause. All they want is to have their face above a lead in for the next People mag. These people have made a joke out of caring just as before it was a posh thing to have a gay friend- now we have little dogs because of Paris.

I don't give because the Gap told me to do so. When you give, take a look back at yourself. Are you gradually speaking louder so that others may hear that you're a goddamn saint? Look, take your Acura and 1% to the United Way tax write off and go back to the club. It sickens me to see how people that are suffering are tossed aid by people so casually like the little chunky girl selling Girl Scout Cookies outside the store.

Personally I think that donating money in this era is futile. I am not going down the conspiracy theory avenue. I just realize how much bullshit redtape there is with corporate america. Just like when Ms. Goody Gucci slowly digs for coins for the Salvation Army in December, CEOs and executives everywhere wait. So they can stand proud in front of the red light on network tv and scream with the utmost juvenile attitude


My only remaining question is if there weren't disasters like this how would we justify our hearts? Don't wait until they need a clean up crew. If all you do is buy the rubber bands for whatever rainbow cause or put a magnet ribbon on your car you are only saying you realize a problem and would prefer someone else to do something. Save you're money and start smoking- at least that tax money goes to highway repair.

Spread the love, not just money.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Another Thing

I just noticed a personal ad...yes it's that hour I like to read about other people's struggles before I go to bed. It makes me rest easier knowing that some people can't dance either.

Anyway, this girl mentioned that some of the things she enjoys is hanging out with friends. Who doesn't enjoy hanging out with their friends? If you hate hanging out with your friends but continue to do so please stop. Your disease is a self inflicted one that can easily be cured by turning off your latest Avril Lavigne download and putting away your cheerleading camp scrapbook.

Thanks. Keep it obvious ladies I like that.

Putt Putt Down the Phone!

I just finished what may possibly be the best 18 holes of miniature golf. There are those folks that ask "do you golf?" I respond "yeah, miniature." I find that most men that ask if you golf finish the question while caressing their own pectorals. Many people may find the sport unmanly but I realize the purpose of the sport is to hit the most annoyingly small object as far as you can until you find a sunken solo cup. The only reason I see guys my age golfing is that they are being trained by their fathers to avoid their own spouses.

This great mini golf experience happened hours ago. Were you there? Maybe. As much as people diss the game it sure as hell is crowded. The match was a sea saw battle down to the 18th in which I choked/let my friend win. There were two real stories here.

1. The knob two groups ahead
2. Familiar Face

There was this guy I see at all mini golf places. He is there only to get "cute points" and redeem them in her parents drive way for a make out fest to the latest Snoop tune. By the time they were at hole 5 he was already dicking around and not even waiting for the ball to stop. His effort was no longer. Meanwhile I and a gagillion other people who WANT to play are waiting for his Hilfigger wearing, bitch blonde, K-Swiss punk ass to hit the damn ball in. Boy wonder if you need the alone time you should know to not come to a golf course of the miniature size.

My favorite moment of their night was when she was kicking his ass. Flat out. He sucked and was bad at keeping score. She jumped back "bitch that was 3!" He said no way, she then barked back claiming bullshit and marching off the hole. He was golfing like it was polo while talking on the cell phone. What dipshit talks on a cell phone during a date? That pompus guy that let's a girl call him bitch in public.

The other situation was not as climactic as the prior. I noticed a guy that resembled someone I went to highschool with. He was one year older and I could have sworn we left on good terms. I would have been ok with it had we not made eye contact. He was clearly on a date and I clearly wanted to say hi. I had to test the waters to see if I had the greenlight. I gave him the nod. It was returned with the head tilt that says "whah?" Phew almost made an ass of myself. No, no, no. That had to be him. I will never know, if only that trick that was with him was not there. Or at least if she wasn't in stilettos while mini golfing I would have felt welcome.

Who wears stilettos to go mini golfing? You girls need to start being practacle and stop thinking your Sarah Jessica Parker.

On the Verge of Something

Last week was awesome. I did things the way I ideally wanted to. I played an open mic, performed in two comedy contests, and even took the next step with music lessons in harmonica and guitar. The big thing is getting on stage. I am working off this recent funk that has bogged my life down.

The room on Monday is a tough room since it is filled with pretty much all comics. I didn't go up on stage well practiced in my set since I was uncertain which material to test. I am pleased to have performed three of seven days last week; now it's a matter of performing really well all of those times.

Fortunately I have been able to grow each time out. Picking up certain new lines to some of my and your favorite routines. Wednesday I went up with definite confidence and got my laughs where I could- afterall I was in a sports bar and those folks have about 35,000 tvs there.

Friday night was a lesson of being able to adjust to the crowd. I had the mindset ok, I am doing the bit on the women's hmm you know. Anyway, two comics before me went down that avenue and I then went up. I feel that the bit would hit better if it weren't a show on how sexually futile guys are. Lesson learned to be more adaptable to the circumstances.

So my other popular bit didn't hit so well then too because I chose to make fun a one culture even though there was easily a dozen of them there- many in the front table. The organizer came up to me and commended me on having an uncanny sense of bravery in that sense. "You're not afraid to say any joke, man that takes courage." You got balls he said. You won't always find your crowd but it is good to earn the respect of your peers.

People some mad shit is going on here. Stay tuned hit me with your email on a comment if you want show postings as I do have a few more this month. September 23 I will be the featured stand up at a comedy show.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Real Rock

I tried. I tried actually for the third time to watch Rockstar INXS. I could only watch about five minutes. When did Dave Navarro become the lap dog to a dead band. Sorry Hutchins fans. Dave has the ammount of make up that could rival Rupaul. Regardless, there are a couple things that bother me the most. One is that no one says anything bad to these first comment would be WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING TO BE APART OF INXS?!

You have one guy that looks like an extra from The Birdcage and another that looks like well, he sleeps in one while wearing a diaper or whatever floats his boat. The whole image of rock is being ostracized and I don't like it. It's fine for pop to be pop but when rock goes this route we are only moments away before we see more glam rock poser crap.

I learned to be "sexy" you need to be in tight pants. Let me tell you this. I need my space, and that starts with my pants. That reason alone I am not ever going to wear Wrangler jeans. OK that doesn't relate very well to this entry but whatever.

I saw some trademark blonde in the pit drooling at the feet of potential. That's the true way of life. If you can't get yourself, then sleep with someone who you can live through vicarously.


I am back to watching the Real World Austin. It is at the point in the season where the sexual laziness has set in and now all are hooking up with eachother. On the episode tonight I got to witness the parental "be above that" pep talk about their kid not standing up for themself after being called a tramp or woman that gives it up like sorority gal after a couple free beers (wow that was a circular metaphor- did you follow?) By the way I know not all sorority girls are like that- some aren't hot, and others are trying to go pre-med. I just wish for her sake she would stay in lighting that doesn't make her head look huge.

Back to the lecture at hand. They all crazy, horny and poised for middle management at best.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

No Fillers

Holy crap what a weekend. First off, those of you who know how much of an avid board game dork I am best know I played Cranium (best game ever- yes I am confident saying that) and Catch Phrase. Good time but not even the focal point of the weekend.

My friend bought like 1/4 a cow. Not a 1/4 pounder, a fraction of the damn cow. It's amazing how in one swoop of the clever that he became more manly than any preconcieved image of John Wayne. Although Wendy's claims to have a fresh burger, this was so fresh the cow's mother was still morning the loss. I know that's rough to say but those who are offended should go hug a kitten because well you should know where I am going with this.

God bless red meat. That shit is good. My friend was at the grill for hours, and unlike other cook outs it wasn't spent starting the grill. It had the pot luck accessory vibe where we all brought side dishes. I bought mine like a good little bachelor. Thanks Sara Lee. Once the whole spread was set I felt the urge to join a crusade and go kill some vikings or something to justify the massive ammounts of food that inspire conversation about how good it is to be yourself.

Some other guy brought Hungarian sausages. I added a new sausage to my tastebud inventory of brat, Polish, or Italian. It's a product who's aftertaste is better than initial taste in my opinion. Regardless, I enjoyed.

The only downside to the cookout wat the arch ememy of all summer activity- the bee. Someone needs to kill them. Seriously, we have scientists that get off on cross pollenating. There was one bee that will always follow me at the party. The one that goes from inside my drink to on my food to under my chin and then touchdown dance on my nose saying bzzz you my bzzzitch. No go look like a wacko runnning around flapping at something 300 times smaller than you.


Don't call it a come back. I just saw MC Hammer on the VMA's. See the Surreal Life can help people. I can't wait until the tour when 50 opens for Hammer.


Robert Downey Jr got married. Even though he has been out of detox for some time this shows he is still a glutton for punishment.


I hear that they are considering a sequel to Office Space. I just hope Jennifer Anniston hasn't lost touch with that inner bubbly waitress she does so well.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Tap tap good morning
tap tap tap
five fallen grey initiates
spoken by broken
faced red with you
tomorrow leaks by
answers on the stoop
disection jokes back
as miss nomer feels
out crowds of
work on it they say
it's a process of pain
worth scars that maim
fossilized screams scorn
full frontal potential
she talks he balks
whispers that drown
out after being
outraged with being
born at all
tired of running?
reasons fall with every
gasp of truth fear and mortality
reaching for fallen pacifier
crawling face forward
with parental remorse
time will come to bury
a final hour's burden
good night

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

And That's a Wrap

Summer is over for me now. I have concluded my responsibilities to three weddings and one Christianing. Now I can say that my church attendance is up. Not that it matters. It's strange this whole lingering feeling of big events. Once someone has one we are all spent sharing the moment with them and then speculating who is next.

Within the process of the reception, in my opinion the tossing of the bouquet and garder are the biggest lines of BS that we enforce. All it does is give some girl the right a way to turn down the one way road of eternal dreaming. When will her big day come? My favorite thing about the catch is the immediate look into the crowd of men like she is at the pet store. "Ooh ooh, I want the funny looking one that keeps squinting." If they go home it's only a matter of time before becoming a lap dog.

Guys care less about the garder. Yep, we use it as a token to show some gal that "we're next." If you're buying that vibe, let me tell you about a great timeshare we have too. Look marriage comes to each in ways that are often unique. I used to resist the concept of marriage. I even told girls that I never want to get married. That scares a girl off as quick as telling a guy that you like cats does.

I like the concept that we say you marry you dad or mom. Sounds about right. We are as kinky, insestual, homocurious as they come. This is the only time that we willingly install that image in our children's mind. I know that the intention is to focus on the personality but you can't but superimpose the face of your sweet pea into the body of your parent.

I can say more about this but I have 1. stuff to do and 2. now become nausious by my own posting.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Tone Death

I finally have released Sprint from the grasps of my spine and reproductive organs. There is something to be said about cancelling your cell phone. Yes, I have such a distaste for your interpretation of quality that I am willing to pay $150 to say not on my buck.

Within my tenure with Sprint, I, like many paid for ring tones. Sure, $1 or so and now I don't have that pesky phone sound coming out of my damn phone. I ruined four solid songs because of my craving of pop trends. Never will I be able to listen to all of "Cecilia" because I will experience flashbacks to screeming WHAT?!.

I had the tones that were me, yet a little more about the attention. Hey Hey...HEY EVERYONE!!! MY PHONE...IT"S RINGING!! PRETTY SWEET HUH?! WHAT?! YOU ALL HAVE CELL PHONES TOO?! WELL DOES YOURS PLAY 50 Cent? Look dillhole, pick up the phone. The point of the phone is to let you communicate with someone. If I wanted to hear the same 8 seconds of a song I will turn on MTV.

This is just the start there will be something new. Like now people can pay to eliminate the ringing on the phone. Now music is played until somebody picks up the phone. Ring tones just give us all another false sense of coolness just like tanning salons and teeth whitening.

The embarrassment that follows is now when no one looks. Remember when only rich white people could afford car alarms? That don't mean jack now. Regular chumps like yours truly can push the panic button on their ride. Only of course to drown out the people who talk so loud they defeat the purpose of the phone all together.

If you have downloaded a ring tone in the past few months I have news for you. Hurry to the GAP I hear there will be a new color scheme for stripes.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Never Cleaning Again

This past Saturday I went into cleaning mode. Full out. The reason why I like to clean is that when I realize I am to lazy to go outside but need to do something that I can brag to others about- I clean. It shows responsibility. So I would think.

I gave the place a cleaning like there was a Maxim shoot that day. I used six Swiffer wet mops. 6! This floor is cleanist in years. I then went the step into being compulsive like mom. I put some polish on the floor. Not just accident waiting to happen, broken bone waiting to happen.

When I went to get my shoes on this morning. I slipped so bad my left leg knocked out my right leg, I knocked over the fan and then laid on the ground hoping to - well not wake someone up. I am the relatively considerate building mate.

I now walk with rubber souls at all times.


I found a way to make myself go to the gym every morning. I've stopped buying shampoo and conditioner. Merging personal health and hygene was only a matter of time. Now if I let myself down the whole office will suffer.

I did go on the treadmill today. Almost fell off every time I went to wipe my face. I think I had the raw end of the deal today. My mind was concerned with the reverse scenario. There were attractive women behind me running- and I knew that they were only watching me to see if I'd fall off. How long can a relationship on spandex really last anyway? (debut call back- those who were there should comment hello)

In effort to deny my body of any advancement I then came home and ate three chicken patty sandwhiches. There must be something in there like nicotine. I can't stop eating them. One day I will make the great dream- chicken patty hot pocket casserole. Yes ladies I cook.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Another Post?! 2 in 1 Day SWEET!

What would deserve the pleasure of multiple postings in one day? Let me tell you. First thing first, sleeping to 11:30am got me all charged for the day. I slept so long that when I got out of bed I could actually feel how straightened my spine had become.

Prior to getting out of bed I did get a call at 8am. Yikes! This caused me to stretch in a feline manner. Low and behold that was not a bright idea. I have long been injured on multiple occiasions just by stretching in bed (those who know know the story). Now comes another injury. I stretched my calf muscle to the point I pulled it. I was in agony to the point I was caressing my leg while burrying my face in the pillow hoping for some intervention on this pain.

My new theory of wiggling my toes and slowly extending the leg worked. I returned to bed and slept for another three and a half hours. Phew!


The main reason for this entry is salsa. I went out with my buddies from work and we stopped off at her house. There were full out spread of snacks and beer. God do I love being in the adult world. No more of this BYO snacks. There was some of the best salsa ever. It was peach and pineapple salsa. Damn it was tasty. To the point I would have started to dip vegetables in that just to have an excuse for eating the salsa.

I then today made my trademark Gringo quesadillas. Grilled cheese that I dip in salsa. It wasn't peach and pineapple salsa, but it did just fine.


I am currently uploading my cuban music cd. It is only a matter of time that the young latinos respect the Alto. If you can't beat 'em, join ' blasting crazy music at 4am.

The Casting Couch

For any of those people who have gone to auditions and not made it, you may enjoy this inside look on the process. Not more than a month ago I was rejected from an audition and it set me back a bit. I thought I hit it well but I was wrong. I am not a hot girl. At least I know that it's not a skill factor here.

The thing is attractive women can get whatever they want in life as long as they plan smart and groom well; when and where necessary. I am involved in a production that had auditions last week. It was nice to see how these things go on the other side.

After watching a group with alright guys and some decent girls we had an all guy audition. No news from that. This is about the way women are cast. The first group had what we call healthy women. You know the ones that know the answer to the perenial question "what's for dinner?" But mind you still relatively talented.

Enter group three. Eleven people, four of which were women with noticeable beauty (typically unseen in comedy-note Janine Garofolo) Anyway, to make this story better I will change the names to protect us writers. There was this hot number Jackie that was there. Very talented, but I knew that as long as she didn't open her mouth and spit out F-bombs she was in. Why? I know the rest of the writers thought she was hot.

After the audition we got together to pick the six person cast. Three guys and three girls are needed. We knew one girl was hands down the best. Then our director said, "ok who stuck out from that last group?" In sequence without missing a beat three guy writes (self included) jump to say- "Jackie" "Jackie" "Jackie". I started to laugh when I looked at the one girl in our group who clued in quickly.

"You guys just want to f*$@ her." I reply "No." I couldn't muster anyother words of bullshit to make her frustration recess. The fact of the matter is that Jackie had a good audition. I have minimal attraction to her for a number of reasons. 1. I am sober while I write this. 2. She reminds me of one of my friends girlfriends 3. He hair is too long for my liking.

Casting is one of the best experiences that I could have ever witnessed. It's very much like job descriptions. We need this, that, more of another, and if you happen to be someone we would want to sleep with then that's a plus. Please bring headshot, resume, and hair clip to the audition.

I just hope all casting couches are scotchguarded.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Magical Love Bus

Well I do apologize for the delay in blogville. I was standing up in a wedding this past weekend. It was wonderful. As long as it's not my wedding I tend to approve. Tend is the keyword there. Anyway, the temp was hot and muggy. Perfect for formal wear to stick to the body like a wet t-shirt. (no this entry is not going that direction)

So after behaving ourselves for about an hour and change, we hit the trail all in the "party bus." Granted we were over maximum capacity, or just bigger in the rump than thought we all crammed in there. The driver had 4 teeth and a tie and short sleeve shirt.

The surprise there was while in the church mr. driver was hitting the sauce meant for the bridal party. Foul on two levels. 1. Don't drink other's booze. 2. Don't drive after that. This yahoo spent the majority of the trip to the reception driving all over and creating motion sickness to the passengers- not to mention he claimed to have cd with party music and it was Ace of Base and some other fine chart toppers.

We managed, we drank with caution, some ate with caution. Then we stopped to get more beer. Apparently within 30 minutes 18+ can drink about 2 drinks each. While at the local liquor shop the driver exchanges words with one of the patrons and then her husband tells the driver off. Set on being completely stupid the driver then almost fights this man. In a sign of frustration he kicks one of the groomsmen off the bus. What was seeming to be the message was that no one respects the bus driver. The groomsman exchanged some pleasantries and then got on the bus. Damn! Who's the punk now?

Upon arriving to the reception venue the driver bitched about us trashing the bus. I guess empty cans, bottles and some broken crackers were the last straw. He spent about five minutes whining about not getting a tip while he threw trash on the driveway of the site. He then was repremanded for the hundredth time that day and cleaned it up like the li'l bitch he was.

By no means am I saying bus drivers are jags like this guy. Afterall, I am rather confident he is no longer a bus driver. Our memories will last a lifetime. Which I am sure is longer than his unemployment will.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Divinity at Wholesale Prices!!!

Well today was my niece's Christianing. What a moment in her life that she knows nothing about. What I found delicious about it all was the way the church has gone Costco on the parish. I arrive in the parking lot to see others leaving their cars for the church. One, two, three unfamiliar faces surface. Maybe my sister made new friends I am unaware of. Not likely since marriage + kids = no more time for friends. But I digress.

These were other families having baptisms on that day. There were 11 kids and the priest called it a slow day. SLOW! Now if the padre was thinking he could double profits with having a sunset ceremony ontop of the matinee. Silly Catholics, always three generations behind the rest.

So as the onslaught of strangers come in for their equally impersonal service I was taken a back. There was someone there that I graduated high school with. She looked good, (she did gain the freshmen fifteen but looks like she kicked that.-good for her.) So we had the catch up face off. "

"So Mike, this is my fiance- blabidity Blah"
"Nice to meet you, congrats" (1pt Keri)
"What have you been up to Keri?"
"I teach, elementary school. And you?"
"I was out east for a bit, now I am working and I do comedy, stand up and movies and stuff."
"Cool." (1 pt Mike)

TOTAL SCORE - Mike 1 Keri 1
And that's how it ended, a dead tie. Sometimes there is not a clear winner. I am considering docking at least 1 pt for being attractive and engaged at her age. (Mike 1 Keri -1) (Hey it's my game/blog)

We left one hour later with God on our side and with intention of returning for the next wedding/funeral, or Christmas. Whatever comes first.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Rebel Without a Handsfree

Welcome to the wide world of huber-b.s. I was recently driving in the city and for some reason my car was quiet. Sure the music was louder than the passing airplane but there was something missing- my muffled ringtone of Cecilia coming from the cell phone.

No longer am I able to drive and talk on the phone. Probably for the best, now I have plenty of time to read my billboards and bumperstickers. There is a good 4 mile stretch that I know I look mainly at the signs compared to the 98 Grand Am slamming breaks in front of me.

So i was called last night while in the heart of the north side. I stared at the phone, a quick blur of tickets, officers, and pending insurance hikes. What did I do? Answered it. Damn straight! Take that over-protective city. Now I should mention that I am not all swagger. When I drove by officers while holding my cell phone (and in mid-conversation) I dropped in on my lap like a hot plate. The fun part was not telling the people every time I dropped it on my lap.

What takes the cake more than my rogue attitude is those that follow the law. I drove by some guy with a handsfree and he was holding the mic up to his mouth. How freaking effective is this law?

I look forward to the day where we pass an ordinance prohibiting absurd laws and or law makers. Never mind that'll never happen since we may hurt the morons' feelings.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Cleaning Crew

I cleaned the apartment last night. I was on top of it for the first time in a while. Mainly because I realized that I hit my dirty threshold. No longer did I want to walk on the well placed pizza crumb. For I have a Swiffer, with the mop covers. Pushing that around was very much like just pushing a wet paper towel. But this says Swiffer, and thus is now a cleaner apartment.

Cleaning is the best realization to how much harder you need to work. It is sort of the swim suit of housing. I tell you I had spent way too long ignoring the healthy habits of mopping and dusting.

After that I was so hopped up on initiative that I even made my lunch for the week and ironed for the week. Some of you wonder why do I mention this trivial info. Nothing is ever trivial, but often times boring as hell.

I did try to hop over the iron that was on, again the lack of vertical rise I have. I tripped, pulled the hot iron down, grazing my foot. Domestication does come at price. Whether it be dignity or layers of flesh is undetermined.

(I did go to a bachelor party but I can't disclose any of that for you women are better connected than we thought)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Rules and Regulations

Alright so this past weekend was a blast but it came at the expense of some sanity. First of all I must give credit to all my friends who chose to come to the suburbs for a cookout. Granted a pool can typically generate friends out of the quietest of neighbors. I digress.

So upon returning to the barrio I get to dodge the onslaught of fireworks. Not a bad thing. Until I try to park my car and get another notch older than before. Whenever I have a "damn kids" moment I know that something bad is happening. I chose not to have them land their equally illegal fireworks on the ride.

Ok I like fireworks. A lot. They are great when done right. However when you start to see a quality anything you begin to realize that for every better removes more innocence. I care not about Neighborhood or even lakeside fireworks. I have seen Disney ones that in my opinion are the best. Why are they the best? Because some jamoke is not lighting them off until damn near midnight.

There is no tact with some people. They simply don't care. It's all about them and who cares what others would prefer. (Am I talking about myself or the fireworkers? You decide) Perhaps my favorite bit of 4th knowledge was that this was the last year for Chicago residents to use sparklers. Sparklers. Where else are kids going to learn about the relative speed metal conducts heat?

This rule bothers me. It is another case and point that we have some of the dumbest parents alive. There are some excellent ones out there. They are using pacifiers, tough love, and even the word no on occaision. Someday soon we won't be able to use knives in Chicago because some kid will hurt themself while mommy or daddy was busy setting the Tivo.

So now that some half wit can't stop watching the game on tv, or gabbing with their newly married friends, some kid who has attentive parents has to drag the kids to a park to watch the the spectacle in the sky. Meanwhile the gifted kids are all chewing on their shoelaces and making stupidity flow like Bud on the northside and the residential regulars are now trying so hard to ignore the social difference between no and know.

In moments when rules are made to excuse responsibility I thank God- for mortality. Someday it will all end.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Whoever Said...

Women had this level of discretion was wrong. I had a conversation yesterday with a woman explaining that her immodium a.d. is not working fast enough. She even went as far as to mention the words vomit and diarhea ( I know that's spelled wrong). I am sure she still holds composure and denies sweating or farting.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Ain't Too Proud to Shut Up

So much has happened in the past few days that I am uncertain to what extent I should speak. Last week I came to the realization that city or suburb, I hate parades. I was woken up to the loud and proud Puerto Rican community storming the avenue like there was an opening at shortstop.

There is something to be said about the way they demonstrate their cultural pride. Their is no subtlety to being Puerto Rican. Not even will the standard mini flag from the mirror do in such a case. Bring out the big honkin' flag that would be soaring atop the capital building. But where does one put such a large obstruction of vision? The hood, maybe. How about making your children hold the flagpole out the window as you cruise the city. Papi is just so proud of you.

I don't know if there is any other purpose of the parade but to interfere with other people's plans. No park use, no regular street use, no sleeping in until 9:30. I was woken by honking at 8:30am. ON A SATURDAY! I live on a sidestreet. Who comes down such a minor road? "We must make sure the WHOLE city knows of our great culture." Hey newsflash buddy: We all can hear the subwoofers coming from two blocks away. Great, great culture indeed.

No one can argue the pride message of the parade, now the tact and diplomacy yes, Same thing goes for any parade. I don't care. St. Patrick's Day get off the street you drunks. Parades are used to maintain the image and legacy of a culture. God forbid someone come up with a more efficient display of middle child syndrom.

I come off smug about this because parades are just like festivals and zoos. I always get stuck inbetween to women that make the Fridge look dainty and they stink to high heaven. There are a collection of people that don't bathe regularly, they go to the free events and walk slow and block 2/3 of the walkway with an ass that could stop a cannon ball. All a parade will do is shed light on all the stereotypes we use. Parades: Keeping grandpa's jokes applicable.

The level of pride and arrogance about one's culture just makes me realize that infact that I am proud and times arrogant- of my cultural modesty. I need no flag, no parade, no sticker on my car to let people know where I never visited. I am American, that works good enough for me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Loop

I am in the process of something wonderful. However I made the mistake of mentioning it to some people before it goes off. Being in the loop is something that most people think that they are but it's a minority of those we trust. So I began to wonder how do you earn the trust of people so quickly?

1. Cook for them. If someone lets you take care of the preparation of any food that clearly is a big sign. Unless you're making something like salad or deviled eggs. Anything that can be at a party without supervision is not cooking for people. In my brief party experience the layer dip is something that I can no longer pretend to "have later." The chef/dip person makes sure that all that enter the party try the dip. A sort of tortilla vigil perhaps. I don't appreciate the "come on one chip won't kill you." Yeah but from the mere scent alone it is killing my appetite.

2. Transport them. Anytime that someone asks someone to pick up or drop off there should be compensation of nice meal or sex. That's just the street value of a lift, so I hear. So riders beware.

3. Open up. The best mistake ever. Whatever nugget of trivia given will soon grow inside their head until it eats it's way back to the mouth and falls out infront of the wrong people. The tragedy of a leaky secret is not in the awakening that is had, it's the what?! you told WHO first!! moment. Best of luck working through this one, especially if you are in a committed relationship.

4. Intimacy. Now this is a tough one since I have a terrible thought of always wondering what jackoff got to this person before I met them. My only solace is that we are all able to consult the high quality evaluations at a free clinic...just incase.

The loop is something that is just like the locale. If you are there it's one of the most coveted areas yet will cost you an arm and a leg to tell others that they are not where you are.