Sunday, September 25, 2005

Unofficialy the Best Cab Ride Ever

***Writer's Note: This entry contains strong content that may if read over your shoulder by your boss, pastor, rabbi, or grandmother could result in a lecture, time out, fine, finger pointing, excessive questioning, or even termination- of internet provider. That being said hop on in.

Saturday marked the one year anniversary of one of the finest blocks by a friend on me. That moment was a great and always revisited memory. I am thouroughly convinced that the reminising is far better than any shared moment with that girl. One year later her helter went away and she was sporting a sophisticated black tank low cut top and some crazy red vinyl/leather skirt. I didn't say hello it just wasn't right with my friend not being there to help destruct the night.

After leaving that fine establishment we partook in one more beer before realizing how much shorter the night should have been. We grabbed a cab. And within a moment I met the best cab driver ever that took us on the most memorable mile and a half ride.

His name Pedro. Maybe you know him. He drove a fine cab, the kind you would send your mother to the airport in. However this was no trip to the airport. We were in route for pizza and fast. Now I exchange words with him before getting into the cab. "Thank God you're not Yellow Cab!" He replies "Yeah, I know. Tell me about it."

Pedro and I apparently share the same affliction for Yellow Cab and I must have been that safe zone he was looking to voice his opinion. "They fuckin' suck." "The drivers are rude and don't know how to drive" Now I was not looking to partake in that debate but I sure as hell was ready to hate on Yellow Cab. Fortunately, Pedro was able to do all the talking.

When Pedro took a second to catch his breath I mentioned how cool he was to tell it how it is. I then up the anty. "Pedro, I will pay you an extra $2 if you tell a Yellow Cab driver "fuck Yellow Cab." "No problem man, I hate Yellow Cab!"

Then Pedro did something not every cabbie does. He opened up. That man needed a hug I swear. "See, I see so much when I drive, and no one know what I see, but I see it all. There is no reason for you to stay with any woman you meet at any of these bars, at this hour. They are after your money and will take your will to live." (or something close to that) "I am a social observer, I don't just watch the traffic lights, I see people being manipulated and being taken to the cleaners..."

The cab stops. I wonder why.

"Hey boss!" Pedro shouts at of all things a Yellow Cab driver. The Yellow Cab stops in it's tracks. Pedro sticks his head out the window and screams "Fuck Yellow Cab!!!"

For two dollars I learned I was not alone. For two dollars I saw a man finally speak his mind. For two dollars we laughed our asses off for a reason that was so trivial we needed to focus on it.

Life is well worth the price of admission.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Take One Pass It Along

Right about now we are on the verge of one of the best times of year, Fall. I sure enjoy the season that brings us bright colors of foliage on its last limb, football, and the end of bees and mosquitos. During the late summer and early Fall I am blessed with hayfever. Nothing big, just some random sneezes and red eyes.

Today in particular I came across two people that amaze me for the same reason. They volunteered information that they are carrying contagious bacteria and still proceed to pass it along. One woman admits to having pink eye and then shakes my hand. Hello! Pink eye! I remember the people in school that got pink eye, they were the ones that always made me wonder about their daily hygene practices. What got me more is that we all know how much of a pain pink eye is to have. It's not as leisurely as some other infections. This thing takes work and countless reminders to people that no you don't smoke weed, but you just have pink eye.

Another person today was my guitar instructor. Nice guy and very cool. However he was recovering from an apparent chest cold and "couldn't kick it." FYI if you have an infection that can sideline a professional athlete- stay home. So after he confesses that he still has lingering issues he coughs on his hands, and then drapes them all over my workbook. Great, I learned the song but will be out next week with a mutated chest cold.

There was nothing really humorous about those anectdotes but I hope you won't come near me sick.


God bless I wish the Sox would stop sucking. This kind of collapse and emotional attachment has me feeling like a Cubs fan...except I can name 5 players on my team. (for those that claim to be Cubs fans, give the simple test of naming 5 players without help. If they fail then ask them to name 5 bars around Wrigley)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Easy As That

I am blessed. Really I am. Upon my return home my frustrations were mounting with every tilt of the brake lights ahead of me. I will say this once but in multiple ways. I understand the I-Pass lanes are relatively snug but drive your goddamn car at a speed that will not create a traffice jam for five miles. No one (you wife included) cares about your piece of shit Altima. MOVE!

Phew! That was close, I almost had road rage and that is well - a bs crime. I am really trying to be a stronger person and I finally succeeded. Upon signing off of hotmail I was briefed with the latest Britney update. Something about her singing bad hair songs. I wanted to click it- badly.


I stayed strong for a number of reasons. The first being I had my Britney awakening. I no longer open links about Britney Spears with the fantasyland dream that the story will end with a link to her new pictorial in Playboy. Afterall she has eliminated the middle person (Hugh) and simply married a scuzzy guy to oogle her every move.

My friends and I were speaking about this theory. Burned out celebs use that magazine to lite a 3 minute flame on their exhausted 15minute candle. I predict with this kid, in 18 months she will be there. Saving her career, and the magazine.

Redemption is beautiful even more so when it pins up.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Where's Your Heart? (caution a soapbox moment)

It takes a horrible thing like a natural disaster to come and show a person's true character. People cry, run, stay put when a three day notice has been given, whatever. That is not the character that troubles me. Something troubles me more than even the looters and their ignorance to put a 50" plasma tv in a canoe and paddle off. Nothing like an aquatic larcen to make matters worse. I personally think those dumb asses should have to plug in their wet stolen merchandise for a punishment.

I have noticed the press' coverage of the relief effort. It's moments like broadcasting how much a celebrity does that pisses me off the most. I remember good ol' Sandra Bullock strutting 1mil for 9/11. Hell I would pay her 1 mil to stop making movies and go with the rest of the Surreal Life Hopefuls and hide in the Hollywood Hills. Charity is something we as people do with understanding that we are to recieve nothing for it.

PR is something that Hollywood and other sport celebritiies need to back away from. I do appreciate their efforts at bringing a nation together. But there is a huge reason that we keep them as far away from impacting legislation as possible. They are and always will be 100 times more vain than actually genuine to a cause. All they want is to have their face above a lead in for the next People mag. These people have made a joke out of caring just as before it was a posh thing to have a gay friend- now we have little dogs because of Paris.

I don't give because the Gap told me to do so. When you give, take a look back at yourself. Are you gradually speaking louder so that others may hear that you're a goddamn saint? Look, take your Acura and 1% to the United Way tax write off and go back to the club. It sickens me to see how people that are suffering are tossed aid by people so casually like the little chunky girl selling Girl Scout Cookies outside the store.

Personally I think that donating money in this era is futile. I am not going down the conspiracy theory avenue. I just realize how much bullshit redtape there is with corporate america. Just like when Ms. Goody Gucci slowly digs for coins for the Salvation Army in December, CEOs and executives everywhere wait. So they can stand proud in front of the red light on network tv and scream with the utmost juvenile attitude


My only remaining question is if there weren't disasters like this how would we justify our hearts? Don't wait until they need a clean up crew. If all you do is buy the rubber bands for whatever rainbow cause or put a magnet ribbon on your car you are only saying you realize a problem and would prefer someone else to do something. Save you're money and start smoking- at least that tax money goes to highway repair.

Spread the love, not just money.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Another Thing

I just noticed a personal ad...yes it's that hour I like to read about other people's struggles before I go to bed. It makes me rest easier knowing that some people can't dance either.

Anyway, this girl mentioned that some of the things she enjoys is hanging out with friends. Who doesn't enjoy hanging out with their friends? If you hate hanging out with your friends but continue to do so please stop. Your disease is a self inflicted one that can easily be cured by turning off your latest Avril Lavigne download and putting away your cheerleading camp scrapbook.

Thanks. Keep it obvious ladies I like that.

Putt Putt Down the Phone!

I just finished what may possibly be the best 18 holes of miniature golf. There are those folks that ask "do you golf?" I respond "yeah, miniature." I find that most men that ask if you golf finish the question while caressing their own pectorals. Many people may find the sport unmanly but I realize the purpose of the sport is to hit the most annoyingly small object as far as you can until you find a sunken solo cup. The only reason I see guys my age golfing is that they are being trained by their fathers to avoid their own spouses.

This great mini golf experience happened hours ago. Were you there? Maybe. As much as people diss the game it sure as hell is crowded. The match was a sea saw battle down to the 18th in which I choked/let my friend win. There were two real stories here.

1. The knob two groups ahead
2. Familiar Face

There was this guy I see at all mini golf places. He is there only to get "cute points" and redeem them in her parents drive way for a make out fest to the latest Snoop tune. By the time they were at hole 5 he was already dicking around and not even waiting for the ball to stop. His effort was no longer. Meanwhile I and a gagillion other people who WANT to play are waiting for his Hilfigger wearing, bitch blonde, K-Swiss punk ass to hit the damn ball in. Boy wonder if you need the alone time you should know to not come to a golf course of the miniature size.

My favorite moment of their night was when she was kicking his ass. Flat out. He sucked and was bad at keeping score. She jumped back "bitch that was 3!" He said no way, she then barked back claiming bullshit and marching off the hole. He was golfing like it was polo while talking on the cell phone. What dipshit talks on a cell phone during a date? That pompus guy that let's a girl call him bitch in public.

The other situation was not as climactic as the prior. I noticed a guy that resembled someone I went to highschool with. He was one year older and I could have sworn we left on good terms. I would have been ok with it had we not made eye contact. He was clearly on a date and I clearly wanted to say hi. I had to test the waters to see if I had the greenlight. I gave him the nod. It was returned with the head tilt that says "whah?" Phew almost made an ass of myself. No, no, no. That had to be him. I will never know, if only that trick that was with him was not there. Or at least if she wasn't in stilettos while mini golfing I would have felt welcome.

Who wears stilettos to go mini golfing? You girls need to start being practacle and stop thinking your Sarah Jessica Parker.

On the Verge of Something

Last week was awesome. I did things the way I ideally wanted to. I played an open mic, performed in two comedy contests, and even took the next step with music lessons in harmonica and guitar. The big thing is getting on stage. I am working off this recent funk that has bogged my life down.

The room on Monday is a tough room since it is filled with pretty much all comics. I didn't go up on stage well practiced in my set since I was uncertain which material to test. I am pleased to have performed three of seven days last week; now it's a matter of performing really well all of those times.

Fortunately I have been able to grow each time out. Picking up certain new lines to some of my and your favorite routines. Wednesday I went up with definite confidence and got my laughs where I could- afterall I was in a sports bar and those folks have about 35,000 tvs there.

Friday night was a lesson of being able to adjust to the crowd. I had the mindset ok, I am doing the bit on the women's hmm you know. Anyway, two comics before me went down that avenue and I then went up. I feel that the bit would hit better if it weren't a show on how sexually futile guys are. Lesson learned to be more adaptable to the circumstances.

So my other popular bit didn't hit so well then too because I chose to make fun a one culture even though there was easily a dozen of them there- many in the front table. The organizer came up to me and commended me on having an uncanny sense of bravery in that sense. "You're not afraid to say any joke, man that takes courage." You got balls he said. You won't always find your crowd but it is good to earn the respect of your peers.

People some mad shit is going on here. Stay tuned hit me with your email on a comment if you want show postings as I do have a few more this month. September 23 I will be the featured stand up at a comedy show.