Sunday, November 27, 2005

Do You Try Too Hard? Exam 1

Look, it doesn't take a union worker to tell us the values of effort. Some folks are putting in overtime on matters that should not be more than a moments thought. They are special people, after all they are quick to scoff if you are not like them. Are you them? Don't worry if you are I very well may still talk to you. (Well, don't come running up telling me you are trying too hard. What am I supposed to do then? Let's avoid the awkward situation, ok?)

1. Do any of your winter hats have a bill? (follow up) Do you have more than one winter hat?
A. If you answered yes, please realize you look like a tool and many people hope you ski like Sonny Bono.
B. If you answered no, don't worry there's plenty of time to go wrong here.

2. Do you own a pair of UG boots and not live in the artic?
A. If you answered yes, for the love of God take them off you winter ho.
B. If you answered no, chances are your pretentious girl is making you buy her some for the holidays.

3. Do you plan on buying the new Madonna CD?
A. If you answered yes, please realize that a 50 year old putting out a club/dance album is a lame as someone buying it.
B. If you answered no, thank you.

4. Do you still recite Dave Chappel lines?
A. If you answered yes, keep it to your fraternity pledge weekends.
B. If you answered no, thank you for remembering Richard Pryor.

5. Do you debate the problems of the BCS system at bars?
A. If you answered yes, get a Jaeger bomb and clue in that only dorks that listen to AM radio care about that.
B. If you answered no, you were probably making fun of the person that said yes.

6. Do you wear long sleeved button down shirts that are striped when going out?
A. If you answered yes, you are every cookie cutter jack hole I see at the bar.
B. If you answered no, chances are you prefer to wear a hoodie; when going to your Magic games.

7. Do you try and bartend/suggest "new" drinks for people when they are out with you?
A. If you answered yes and are not a freshman in college. Let it go.
B. If you answered no that amazes me.

8. Do you go tanning during the winter?
A. If you answered yes and are not a 38 year old divorcee', take off your designer shades and realize how pale we all are.
B. If you answered no, I will see you with the other albinos at the beach in June.

9. Do you read books from Oprah's book club?
A. If you answered yes remember she isn't your friend. And you just made her way rich.
B. If you answered no stay strong you've made it this far.

10. Do you talk about your health club membership or diet more than you use it?
A. If you answered yes I appreciate your influx of initial initiative, for the first three days you were so on top of it.
B. If you answered no well chances are you and your spouse and 2.3 children are doing splendid. But can you really keep it up?

Results- With any of these questions if you answered yes realize you need to back off the social trends and spend time being the obscure person you're running from. Remember the cool kids weren't necessarily the cool kids. They just are the most vocal about how fragile their egos are.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thank You List '05

In the spirit of the holiday that was skipped over to add just a new level of insult to Native American history, I would like to give thanks to somethings and people that are very important to me.

1. Women who still wear pants without back pockets. Thank you, I know you plan on spending other people's money at least we have something to look at while we think about justifying your purchase.

2. Sprint for selling my current phone number to an Indian man. This makes my life so much easier.

3. Working tomorrow. I would end up playing video games until my bladder could not take it.

4. My bachelorhood. I approach the holiday season being one of few in the circle not having to plan for "their family."

5. The cold. This is my social filter that I love. No matter how skilled you are stillettos can't be worn in the winter.

6. MTV Real World Marathons- Now I can finally watch 7 people get drunk for 10 hours straight from the comfort of home.

7. YMCA- for taking my dues without even trying to give me a guilt trip and ask where have I been.

8. Starbucks and GAP commercials- it may just be this time of year but it's so refreshing to see minorities smile on tv.

9. Countdown Shows- someday I can only hope to be one of the inconsistantly funny comics to review the past year.

10. My harmonica teacher- it took a couple hundred dollars but it's nice to know that I am better than physical appearance allows people think.

Classics Fade Too

I went to the video store because Netflix doesn't give me the superiority complex above other people's movie knowledge or selection. There were a few so called classics that I rented. What made this movie mundane to me was the fact that I was told that I would laugh my ass off. Not true. No matter what the scenario is we will still put up defense mechanisms even if it is for something good. Why? No one likes to admit they can't find something good on their own.

This movie called Blazing Saddles. Relatively funny. There were some bright moments but I am beginning to realize Mel Brooks' humor is very generational and immature. Sure let's push limits I am all for that. I am not in the mood to watch someone who just became old enough to swear infront of their parents. This movie is contigent upon racism. Funny but I think that it needed stronger supporting elements. Maybe the other unsettling feeling I have is directly tied to Gene Wilder. Maybe.

I feel bad that I don't appreciate these classics the way older people do. Some point down the road some kid will not see the value of Swingers for example. Blazing Saddles simply half delivered. Older adults like it because they get to hear racist words and laugh with them like they did in the segregated cafeterias. Let's face it we don't need to put a movie in to laugh about racism. Shock humor is something that I think should be common place but as an accessory. After thirty minutes we are forced to tell ourselves- ok I get it. They're white and they're black. That's comedy.

My petition I guess is for us to find more intelligent race humor as we return from the silliness of the PC world. Same goes for sexism, try not to tell a woman the cliche of "back in the kitchen." That is so played people. Let's stop being our grandpa's holiday dinner table punchlines.

The elderly are drunk off experience and feel like all need to see them brag it out like a second semester freshman. "I remember when some group of (insert any nationality) came to our neighborhood..." I don't know how many times I have sat down to listen about how wrong other nationalities are according to the elderly. Then adults will defend them with "well they are old and are set in their ways." They are set in their ways because no one told their seniors to stop being so ignorant. I respect the elderly just not everything they say.

When I get old I look forward to having grey hair but I sure don't want the sagging, wrinkled flesh. Looking like I am wearing an oversized sweater of me. That looks gross no matter what your skin color.

Monday, November 21, 2005

All That Glitters

The weekend brought on many new tales to tell but there are a few more pressing than others. I did a contest show and didn't win but that was not the big news. Besides having a good set, this was one in a long time since we had a rude crowd. Except they were mainly there for one act. Once they shut up we other comics realized that these guys brought the house with people that don't know how to act at a comedy show.

All we knew is that they were from NU. That's all we needed. Every comic after made comments to mock them into silence. Which was pointless but was a consellation prize for us. My favorite comment made was "I hear that we have a bunch of Northwestern students here tonight, do they teach you manners up there or do you have to pay an extra 30 thousand a year for that?" Well said.

I managed to meet a girl at a bar on Saturday but that was not the big story in my opinion. We ended up at some late night bar in the city and I was approached by another girl. Harmless. She asks me my name. Suspicious. Then she asks for my last name. She is the fall guy for some lame-o. She steps aside to show me that one guy I went to high school was there. So we caught up and that was formulaic but still fun since he was in my opinion a nice guy. Yet a nice guy controlled by dicks at school thus making him a puppet. After saying what I was up to he was supportive and then I reply (power of alcohol) "but since you never bothered to give me the time of day in school, this all doesn't make a goddamn difference now does it? I don't even know why I am fucking talking to you. I think I will go back to talking with that girl I met at the last bar. Take care."

Ironically, he and his girlfriend laughed with me. Honesty is so freeing. He knew it, I knew it too. You don't always have to wait five years for a reunion.

Monday, November 14, 2005


White washed necessity
in void of end
yet rampid of obscurity
trembeling for reasons
shadows round corners
it works with fists of frustrations
slipping as pressure glares
for not being more
sterile looks of foreign
thoughts jack knife
busted and steaming these
a velvet drape of insight
concealing rotting potential
thick, heavy, and edged in
manifest tradition
stage is set and
the show must go on
it must

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Can It Be Done?

Tomorrow starts the revival of what is commonly known amongst us as tomorrow. I sit hear with my list of things to do this years. We are a bit off the path on those but some are done. Tomorrow I will be embarking on what I could consider an ideal situation. I wake up to go swim for about an hour, then go to work (after showering of course), and then hit an open mic. With a show on Friday and every day with some sort of performing but Thursday, I very well may combust.

If you don't burn out, you certainly will fade out.


I went out on Saturday to an Irish pub wearing a track jacket saying "Dublin." Going home empty handed is not a matter of swagger or moxy but strategic planning to find a drive thru.

Right now I am at a the peak of romantic-thermia. I am surrounded by couples and can't break loose. It stings right now to be the odd integer at the gatherings but I have grown accustomed to being the guy that will wrench teams at the board game nights and leave it up to everyone to reluctantly go boys v girls. Not that anyone but my friend's family plays board games in an open forum.

We went to another bar and that was great. I think we like bars because they are a weekly highschool reunion. In one section we have the cheerleaders turned cosmotologists, the washed up jocks turned salesmen permiate from the urinals to the closest point of Jaeger. The pariahs are now hipsters, no one gets why they are there- still. Damn black framed glasses.

No matter how nice you are when you are in a bar you are equally as judgemental. There is nothing to do in a bar but speculate. I bet she's a slut. No way he is the bitch in the relationship. Check out that cry for attention by the window. Hey bud, how do you do it? How is it that you are the only one in the midwest to tan in November? Oh a salon? Hey look at the hot girl and her ugly friend accessory.

That is a combination that I think is the most overlooked. An emotional support system for lack of attention and over enrollment in sports for each respectively. When girls clearly are hanging with the less attractive it is like doing volunteer work. How do you give back to the community? I let Jamie come out with my friends. Kind of like a habitat for popularity. Come together to help an other socially deprived person live the dream of...having friends.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in integration of the masses. It is just that some are operating with alterior motives. Who's quota do you satisfy?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Riddle 1

Why is it that ATA is going bankrupt?

The Interview

I have subscribed to one of the all time best bathroom reads, Rolling Stone. This current issue on the stand has Bono's mug hawking the cover. I like U2 very much. I would like to know more about them and how they came to be. I would even like to know more about the individuals but is there a way we could turn down the Bono factor?

He has a 7 page interview, which these pages are huge. I would need to take a pack of Immodium AD to be able to have sufficient reading time. The whole thing bothers me for a couple reasons. 1. I just can't finish this damn interview. It's a goddamn Shakespearean interview that has no end. 2. Bono found a way to come off pretentious on paper. Amazing that someone so humble can come off like his great life was an accident. 3. The interviewer can't come off any more naive with the array of questions being asked.

What is our nation's motive with putting U2 on such a high standard? Is there really no one else? With smash success Green Day maybe but no one else can really take the nation's attention like U2. The Stone are a novelty to us all now. We go and listen only to talk about it like some cheap conquest of social levitation. Aerosmith will never be more than a good rock band that is constantly in the shadows of the Stones and now U2.

Are we only fascinated with U2 because of the resurgeance of how cool the 80s were? Is this all just a giant promotion for a VH1 show that will count down something that can't be ranked by people who can't stay off everyone's "who's that?" list? I am lead to believe that like in film we have run out of good ideas for music. Now we are going back to the last great thing and since reliving the 70s would be more than a catastrophe of glam and roller skating we found the 80s again.

Whether U2 is trying or not they are the heirs to rock. The Stones will die once, well maybe in thirty years when being 100 and on tour is assinying.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


I sit writing this blog now officially back in touch with the Jones'. Working this entry while rocking to "Be Yourself" on my new i-pod video. Freaking sweet. I once thought love of inanimate objects was wrong but this sucker is a idealists ticket to hell. It can do it all, except of course explain why the cords need to be white.

This purchase has been eating away at me for months. Months have I had the patience to hold out knowing that someday I would waste the same ammount of money on a fancy date or car payment and opt for a walking juke box. What does this device mean for me? I now can be as pretentious as the rest of the world only with the latest model. Where you at now bitches?!

Something happened tonight that is more exciting than this i-pod. I have been in touch with one of my teachers and I am going to help out with a sketch show that is to the caliber and talent to be pitched, shown, and featured in festivals. Now I won't be the lackey running to get coffee all the time. No, titles such as assistant produce/director have been used. Is this great? Yes. For my family's sake- no still not getting paid for this but that is the test to what you should really do.

So now it looks like my schedule is back up and running now that our show is closing tomorrow. Hitting the open mics three times a week would be clutch, then rehearsal on the show, some gym time and early sleep on Thursday will let me officially burn out on Friday. With all plans set- please don't call me on until 3pm on Saturdays.

No complaints here.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Worth Fighting For

Right now I have plenty to be riled up about. I guess I will start with the good. Recent commercials indicate that there is a revolution in the midst. Shortly the world will be able to finally purchase a lift up bra without padding! Thank you Victoria's Secret. I can't tell you how discouraging it is to pop the top and realize you've been bamboozeld. Ladies, you want an honest man. We don't stuff our pants, unless we're in a band. Please realize false advertisement takes more than the wind out our sails.

Of all things to revolt about, bras are a godsend. We currently are being ravaged with hurricanes, international warfare, and a new Madonna album but finally our cries for some natural support for our inner vixen are being answered. Someone had to step up and be the mature one. Someone needed to say "Hey, you! Stop shooting over oil and trivial religious beliefs that aren't supposed to impact government! Look at these knockers!"

Sure the whole concept of a push up is like bending the truth- they're sagging, more than you and we would like. But hey, men get a pill and women get underwire draped in satin for $45. The irony of it all is the more we are kidding ourselves the more honest we really are.

This is a revolution of effort. Breasts are trying to work their magic one more time to intice someone the honest that was once there, covered up in a cardigan of stale ideals. It's moments like now that we must embrace the movement. Today's headlines show us that by concealing our beauty we are forcing the ugliest side show- greed. How that area is the only place on Earth that would rather make a buck than get some baffels me. A long time ago all the men in the middle east must have been stood up simultaenously causing a sexual backlash. It's not religious persecution, its centuries of blue balls.

It has been said you are liberal until you recieve your first paycheck. I am convinced you are conservative until you have a glimmer of cleavage.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Dawson's Creek Reunion Foiled Again

So let's face it. Just about anyone from that show's prominence is now lacking all forms of credibility.

Josh Jackson/Pacey- He is a slimey guy who falls in love for the daughter of the man he is trying to coax into returning to work. Great predictable storyline. I bet they live happily every after and he ends up writing the story that his then father-in-law should write. It's on the Fox Family Channel to boot. It is official, Ben Savage has more clout in Hollywood than Josh.

Michelle Williams (so sorry I first called her Mary.)/ Jen- Shagged Heath Ledger and I think even married him. Shit I never thought her acting was that great but he bought the whole thing. Meanwhile, I am still waiting for another type of Knight's Tale movie from him.

Kerr Smith/ the gay kid Jack- He is on Charmed, with at one point Nick Lachey. Better off gay man. Better off gay.

Katie Holmes/Joey Potter- At one point I was the prototype to her happiness. She was looking for a tall, funny, and smart guy. Sometimes I am able to throw that all together. Instead she settled for a short, funny- not funny ha ha, and compulsive guy. Chances are I will win an Oscar before Tom. With actions shown in the past six months I am waiting for a joint split and affair between Tom and Brittany. I certainly hope someone will love Katie as more than a high score for their diety.

James Van Der Beek/Dawson- Smart man. He left tv, made two movies. One tanked. The other is Varsity Blues. He ruled during the show, and apparently after. James has left acting for a while to raise his family and watch every new WB show as it tries to replicate the angst, pubecant intelligence, and unnatural eye brow girth that he gave weekly on the show.

Some people like to suggest that nothing lasts forever. If that is true explain reputations.