Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Real Rock

I tried. I tried actually for the third time to watch Rockstar INXS. I could only watch about five minutes. When did Dave Navarro become the lap dog to a dead band. Sorry Hutchins fans. Dave has the ammount of make up that could rival Rupaul. Regardless, there are a couple things that bother me the most. One is that no one says anything bad to these people...my first comment would be WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING TO BE APART OF INXS?!

You have one guy that looks like an extra from The Birdcage and another that looks like well, he sleeps in one while wearing a diaper or whatever floats his boat. The whole image of rock is being ostracized and I don't like it. It's fine for pop to be pop but when rock goes this route we are only moments away before we see more glam rock poser crap.

I learned to be "sexy" you need to be in tight pants. Let me tell you this. I need my space, and that starts with my pants. That reason alone I am not ever going to wear Wrangler jeans. OK that doesn't relate very well to this entry but whatever.

I saw some trademark blonde in the pit drooling at the feet of potential. That's the true way of life. If you can't get yourself, then sleep with someone who you can live through vicarously.


I am back to watching the Real World Austin. It is at the point in the season where the sexual laziness has set in and now all are hooking up with eachother. On the episode tonight I got to witness the parental "be above that" pep talk about their kid not standing up for themself after being called a tramp or woman that gives it up like sorority gal after a couple free beers (wow that was a circular metaphor- did you follow?) By the way I know not all sorority girls are like that- some aren't hot, and others are trying to go pre-med. I just wish for her sake she would stay in lighting that doesn't make her head look huge.

Back to the lecture at hand. They all crazy, horny and poised for middle management at best.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

No Fillers

Holy crap what a weekend. First off, those of you who know how much of an avid board game dork I am best know I played Cranium (best game ever- yes I am confident saying that) and Catch Phrase. Good time but not even the focal point of the weekend.

My friend bought like 1/4 a cow. Not a 1/4 pounder, a fraction of the damn cow. It's amazing how in one swoop of the clever that he became more manly than any preconcieved image of John Wayne. Although Wendy's claims to have a fresh burger, this was so fresh the cow's mother was still morning the loss. I know that's rough to say but those who are offended should go hug a kitten because well you should know where I am going with this.

God bless red meat. That shit is good. My friend was at the grill for hours, and unlike other cook outs it wasn't spent starting the grill. It had the pot luck accessory vibe where we all brought side dishes. I bought mine like a good little bachelor. Thanks Sara Lee. Once the whole spread was set I felt the urge to join a crusade and go kill some vikings or something to justify the massive ammounts of food that inspire conversation about how good it is to be yourself.

Some other guy brought Hungarian sausages. I added a new sausage to my tastebud inventory of brat, Polish, or Italian. It's a product who's aftertaste is better than initial taste in my opinion. Regardless, I enjoyed.

The only downside to the cookout wat the arch ememy of all summer activity- the bee. Someone needs to kill them. Seriously, we have scientists that get off on cross pollenating. There was one bee that will always follow me at the party. The one that goes from inside my drink to on my food to under my chin and then touchdown dance on my nose saying bzzz you my bzzzitch. No go look like a wacko runnning around flapping at something 300 times smaller than you.


Don't call it a come back. I just saw MC Hammer on the VMA's. See the Surreal Life can help people. I can't wait until the tour when 50 opens for Hammer.


Robert Downey Jr got married. Even though he has been out of detox for some time this shows he is still a glutton for punishment.


I hear that they are considering a sequel to Office Space. I just hope Jennifer Anniston hasn't lost touch with that inner bubbly waitress she does so well.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Tap tap good morning
tap tap tap
five fallen grey initiates
spoken by broken
faced red with you
tomorrow leaks by
answers on the stoop
disection jokes back
as miss nomer feels
out crowds of
work on it they say
it's a process of pain
worth scars that maim
fossilized screams scorn
full frontal potential
she talks he balks
whispers that drown
out after being
outraged with being
born at all
tired of running?
reasons fall with every
gasp of truth fear and mortality
reaching for fallen pacifier
crawling face forward
with parental remorse
time will come to bury
a final hour's burden
good night

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

And That's a Wrap

Summer is over for me now. I have concluded my responsibilities to three weddings and one Christianing. Now I can say that my church attendance is up. Not that it matters. It's strange this whole lingering feeling of big events. Once someone has one we are all spent sharing the moment with them and then speculating who is next.

Within the process of the reception, in my opinion the tossing of the bouquet and garder are the biggest lines of BS that we enforce. All it does is give some girl the right a way to turn down the one way road of eternal dreaming. When will her big day come? My favorite thing about the catch is the immediate look into the crowd of men like she is at the pet store. "Ooh ooh, I want the funny looking one that keeps squinting." If they go home it's only a matter of time before becoming a lap dog.

Guys care less about the garder. Yep, we use it as a token to show some gal that "we're next." If you're buying that vibe, let me tell you about a great timeshare we have too. Look marriage comes to each in ways that are often unique. I used to resist the concept of marriage. I even told girls that I never want to get married. That scares a girl off as quick as telling a guy that you like cats does.

I like the concept that we say you marry you dad or mom. Sounds about right. We are as kinky, insestual, homocurious as they come. This is the only time that we willingly install that image in our children's mind. I know that the intention is to focus on the personality but you can't but superimpose the face of your sweet pea into the body of your parent.

I can say more about this but I have 1. stuff to do and 2. now become nausious by my own posting.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Tone Death

I finally have released Sprint from the grasps of my spine and reproductive organs. There is something to be said about cancelling your cell phone. Yes, I have such a distaste for your interpretation of quality that I am willing to pay $150 to say not on my buck.

Within my tenure with Sprint, I, like many paid for ring tones. Sure, $1 or so and now I don't have that pesky phone sound coming out of my damn phone. I ruined four solid songs because of my craving of pop trends. Never will I be able to listen to all of "Cecilia" because I will experience flashbacks to screeming WHAT?!.

I had the tones that were me, yet a little more about the attention. Hey Hey...HEY EVERYONE!!! MY PHONE...IT"S RINGING!! PRETTY SWEET HUH?! WHAT?! YOU ALL HAVE CELL PHONES TOO?! WELL DOES YOURS PLAY 50 Cent? Look dillhole, pick up the phone. The point of the phone is to let you communicate with someone. If I wanted to hear the same 8 seconds of a song I will turn on MTV.

This is just the start there will be something new. Like now people can pay to eliminate the ringing on the phone. Now music is played until somebody picks up the phone. Ring tones just give us all another false sense of coolness just like tanning salons and teeth whitening.

The embarrassment that follows is now when no one looks. Remember when only rich white people could afford car alarms? That don't mean jack now. Regular chumps like yours truly can push the panic button on their ride. Only of course to drown out the people who talk so loud they defeat the purpose of the phone all together.

If you have downloaded a ring tone in the past few months I have news for you. Hurry to the GAP I hear there will be a new color scheme for stripes.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Never Cleaning Again

This past Saturday I went into cleaning mode. Full out. The reason why I like to clean is that when I realize I am to lazy to go outside but need to do something that I can brag to others about- I clean. It shows responsibility. So I would think.

I gave the place a cleaning like there was a Maxim shoot that day. I used six Swiffer wet mops. 6! This floor is cleanist in years. I then went the step into being compulsive like mom. I put some polish on the floor. Not just accident waiting to happen, broken bone waiting to happen.

When I went to get my shoes on this morning. I slipped so bad my left leg knocked out my right leg, I knocked over the fan and then laid on the ground hoping to - well not wake someone up. I am the relatively considerate building mate.

I now walk with rubber souls at all times.


I found a way to make myself go to the gym every morning. I've stopped buying shampoo and conditioner. Merging personal health and hygene was only a matter of time. Now if I let myself down the whole office will suffer.

I did go on the treadmill today. Almost fell off every time I went to wipe my face. I think I had the raw end of the deal today. My mind was concerned with the reverse scenario. There were attractive women behind me running- and I knew that they were only watching me to see if I'd fall off. How long can a relationship on spandex really last anyway? (debut call back- those who were there should comment hello)

In effort to deny my body of any advancement I then came home and ate three chicken patty sandwhiches. There must be something in there like nicotine. I can't stop eating them. One day I will make the great dream- chicken patty hot pocket casserole. Yes ladies I cook.