Thursday, December 30, 2004

Five for Mike

So that time came. The time for some guys to discuss the top 5 celebs that would rather have open boils on their butt than speak with them. My list is probably similar to the other males out there. Look at it like a meal. There is an appetizer, maybe a soup, vegetable, entre, and of course desert. Let's see how the menu at Mc Longshot looks.

5. Vivica A. Fox
4. Mandy Moore
3. Britney Spears-Federline
2. Heather Locklear
1. Natalie Portman

Now for an appetizer we shall start with a Britney. Nothing too special. Everyone in town has had it and said how good it is. No big commitment either, if you don't like it just send it back. Plus, at this point it's all about how good you look with it in front of you, who cares about the sustanance.

Nothing like a Mandy Moore soup. Almost a meal but not quite. Almost an actress but not quite. Associating with her is a something people do quickly, although warm and healthy still embarrassing to admit that one enjoys.

Heather has to be the vegetable of the group. The woman just refuses to age. I really have nothing more than she has to be good for the mind, body, soul, and reputation.

After Garden State and her Inside the Actor's Studio, I have come to realize Natalie Portman most definitely wants me. If you don't believe me than you're hopped up on something. So, back to this metaphor barrage. Maybe not this is becoming pathetic and trite all too quickly.

I just wanted to say that for some unintelligent reason a friend and I felt is was necessary to list the top five celebs that we would go out with... you know if the Make-A-Wish Foundation started to help out the chronic epidemic of nice guys finishing last.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Another Complex is Born

Well, there is no other way to say it. I have a new found complex. Ok, it has been around a while and it has only recently began to surface. I have horrible teeth. They look alright but I know that my English heritage is looming in the waiting room of any dentist's office. In my opinion they are not as white as they should be. There are reasonable tones of white. I don't think by any means I look like I have tootsie roll stuck in my teeth but I prefer to keep it that way.

It has only been five minutes since I put on my first set of whitening strips. I have swallowed my own saliva but twice. The gel is supposedly ok to digest but like anything from the dental industry it comes with the painful aftertaste that only inspires heaving.

I am drooling now. Really I am. This is rather disgusting, actually it's more pathetic. That's not a big concern for me since I am finding entertainment with how far I can lean forward before I spill all over myself. At this time I would like to remind the ladies out there of my bachelorhood. My apparent celebration from the attention after the Second City show must have been premature. Alas, I still have my hopes for one.

Is it supposed to sting? It has this tingling sensation that makes me think this is over the counter novacain. The side effect of this is exponential mucus production. What the box omitted to say was that once side effect of these whitening strips is saliva thick like a spider web. Sure you're grossed out now just wait until day 14 when I look as dreamy as the rest of fancy lads.

What bothers me the most is that for some reason I am afraid to swallow my own saliva. Lesson learned, although personal preference is to spit and rinse this crap out it is more socially acceptable to swallow the saliva.

Just incase you only read that last paragraph, I was talking about teeth whitening strips not being gay.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

T'is the Season for Understanding

Yesterday was the apparent birthday of Jesus Christ and the only time I caught recognition of that was hearing Jesus Christ ____ is a dip shit. I think that it is a special occasion that makes me afraid to die and go to heaven. Going a whole eternity watching other people getting gifts on your birthday would make me a little more selective on who gets into my club.

That being said, the holiday season is a great time for understanding. I now understand the looks from across the room. I understand who I am supposed to hate because they wronged someone else than me. I understand that even though my last living grandma is in the ICU, we all should sit down to our first deep fried turkey. I used to think C'est le vie was french for such is life, I know understand it means "the will is set."

The family gathering is like the main event for the heavy weight boxing title. Everyone gathers round in nice clothing to watch two monkeys swing below the belt. The holidays are supposed to be this swell time for all to ignore their bills, health issues, or cheating slut wives (maybe) and sit pleasantly while the Savings and Loan goes belly up.

Another year passess, I seem to have gotten taller to my distant relatives. However, that is not really true. I just appear that since I have not seen them in ohh, I don't know a year. They are all very nice to me and I love the time we talk. It is very entertaining since I spend half the time trying to remember their spouses' names. It's kind of like in those heist movies when they are unscrambling the entry code. I digress.

Part of my compulsive analysis of myself lies in my bodylanguage. I am always thinking that my face or body is completely contradicting my words. I say that I am interested in hearing more yet I am starting to stretch my leg as it falls asleep. Then there is the children.

I care for children on the holidays like a plate of tuna at a steak house. Alright I get it, you're having sex. No need to rub it in or be a live action abstinance endorsement. I feel bad for the kids because their parents already think I am freakishly tall, what is going on in their heads when I stand near them? "Don't move, he's probably like a T-Rex- if I stay still he won't see me."

I really wish I could get a grip on the holidays. I love my family but it just seems that like TNT, we know drama too. Maybe that's why everyone I know my age is running off and getting married. They want to make their own holiday memories brighter than the generations past. The only catch is that they tend to stick around to critique the first few ones.

Happy Festivus!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

A Non-Materialistic Wish List

During this holiday season I have decided to focus on the alleged true meaning of the holidays. Ok, Christmas. I really don't celebrate Hanakka or Chuananananakka or Kwanzzzzaaa or Quanza or whatever new fangled affirmative holiday America pretends can revive the economy. Back to me not supporting consumerism. It all comes so clear when you're ass broke that truly God can speak with you, mainly since no one really talks with the less fortunate since they just tend to ramble on.

Anywho, if you would like to be a sport and give a little to someone who can only give back equally with acts of kindness not gift cards, then consider the following wish list.

I wish for:

a Madden Championship (ok that's more on my own)
never to hear another version of The Little Drummer Boy
Jay Leno to say something funny on the Tonight Show
one Cub fan to say "ok maybe not this year"
another clip show on VH1
ESPN to stop trying reality tv shows
Linsay Lohen to stop covering up her freckles, yes I meant freckles
Paris Hilton to be on the next Apprentice
GAP to admit that GAP means Gay And Proud
motown to come back and pimp slap the morons that disgrace R&B
every scientific study to end with "are you scared yet?"
Mayor Daley to tell someone on camera to F#@$ off
Bill Murray to win an Oscar
Zach Braff too
molting to be a side-effect of tanning beds
Clay Aiken to stop wearing Argyle
people to use stereotypes for good (ex. way to save money for the future, that's mighty Jewish of you.)
Michael Stipe to get permanent laryngitus
people to not be surprised by weather
girls under 18 to put some clothes on
the Middle East to calm down so North Korea has a chance to ruin life
me to slam dunk once that's all really

Just a couple things Santa. Sure hope that it's not too short of notice.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sublimal Messages From MSN

I happen to use hotmail for email because I am that old school. Upon signing out they redirect me to, a slightly more credible source of news. By credible I am comparing it with my other sources of news, VH1 News, BET News, Fox, and of course E! News Live.

Quick tangent. VH1 News is slightly pertinent if you are still waiting for someone to tell you that your horizontal striped sweater in style. BET News is great. The top news story typically goes like "topping our news today, Harlem is still a shit hole, no thanks to white people. In a related story the NHL is still a joke, no thanks to black people." Fox, has Geraldo. E! News live. Finally a news program that can really make housewives appreciate their spectacular life choices.

Back to the message at hand. MSN has each day about six suggested searches that cover such a random spectrum they must be connected. Here are the suggested searches and then I shall try to within six degrees of separation to find their relation to eachother.

Suggested Searches
News: Flu pandemic
Images: Polar bears
Winter solstice
Ice skating
Hybrid cars

With the winter solstice near approaching, all the infected polar bears have made their way down from the melting polar ice caps. These very cola loving bears seem to have an inverse hatred for the ice skating Canucks. After seeing little Dale fall in the Hudson the Yahheydears decide to cut their losses and run to safety in their 17 horse-powered hybrid cars. While grabbing the door handle, papa bear rips the coat and beard off Mrs. Yahheydear. Unable to afford the heat feature in the hybrid the family spins out and eventually dies from the flu pandemic.

Well, that was captivating yesno? They're not all winners folks. If you have been reading for that past couple entries you should know that.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Gold, Frankenscence, and French Thongs

Nothing gets the Yule tide spirit in the air like the Victoria's Secret commercials. I find it to of course be better than any Charlie Brown special. They are so attractive and dressed like no other woman I've seen. Then they open their mouths. Heidi says that I should tell her she's sexy. That is something I could work with or most likely never see happen.

I sure wish Tyra Banks would not talk. She is the only large breasted woman who's head is proportional to her cup size. How does she get so much hair? Pretty sure there are some extensions. Which to me extensions are like wearing someone else's underwear.

I suggest that when Victoria's Secret makes another tv commercial, leave Bob Dylan or any other creepy old guys out of them. There are enough obstacles in my way to meeting women and I would appreciate that the image of dissheveled rambling man to be as far away from them as possible.

I would like to continue this more in the morning. ...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Before I Rest

You should know that tonight's set went alright, ok pretty good. Then I tried to end on something new, that had me trying to draw a parallel to being a black man and being tall. A free lesson to other comics, if you mess up on a joke that has cultural themes you will be called racist. Which is not as bad as sexist since being sexist alienates the whole gender you probably are trying to impress.

But I digress, and sleep alone.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I Believe in Bob Vila

Growing up there is this great value for children to believe. Whether Santa, Jesus, Mohommad, there is a lesson that parents want their kids to experience. What if the main reason for religion is that we have faith that in our darkest moment there will be a glimmer of hope? What if our savior doesn't come? Who then do we choose to follow?

From the days on "Home Again with Bob Vila" I have saught for the answers to my questions of improvement. Who was this wonderful man that was renovating New England one colonial villa at a time? Long before the utility vest was made a Gap staple this bearded St. Home Improvement was showing America how to fix that dream house they'll never have.

Children will always have Santa (unless their Jewish and well that's not my fault.). No matter what direction you bow to give thanks, all adults can believe in Bob Vila. A man, amongst infomercial hosts. Or so I thought. "Home Again" is like "Law & Order" in the sense that I could sit down and watch about ten straight hours of programs without reservation.

I was in a conversation about how great Bob Vila is for society and someone called him a fraud. Aww heck no! I said. Say it ain't so Bob! Say it ain't so! We were talking about the one aspect of Bob that makes my nights restless. He seems to survey the work site without the slightest bit of home repair knowledge. His crew is always fielding his elementary inquiries. Once I saw him approach Rowly, his carpenter, that was marking his points on a board to be nailed.

Bob asked him "So, what are you doing there Rowly?" "Well Bob, I am marking the wood so I know where to drive the nail." Bob then shows his true knowledge. "Why do you want to do that?" Frustrated Rowly says "so I don't ruin the minimal supplies we have."

Vila then takes this moment of obvious events as an industrial awakening. He thrives in then covering his tracks by making it seem like he knew that all along. "Exactly. See Rowly has to follow every step since there is no step to be skipped." Moments like that make me amazed that someone that pontificates anally can actually be a spokesperson for a line of tools.

As inept as Bob Vila appears I still believed he was this moronic handyman. That vision was shattered quickly by some ironically pompus know-it-all. Some guy told me that Bob was just an actor. Just an actor? No way. Maybe he was acting to not know as much but certainly he was this icon that SEARS makes him to be.

Much to my chigrin, he is just an actor (I am going on that conversation, I never researched it). Just like when I realized the truth to Santa, my heart imploded. If there was no Santa, I took solace in Bob Vila. If there was no Bob Vila what's next? Is someone going to tell me that Joan Rivers really like to wear skorts from Marshalls? Will we find out that Jerry Springer is a muslim?

Please America, let some dreams live on. If not for me for the children. The children need to dream.

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

Alright, Max here is you Goddamn drunken blog entry. I'm not even going to proof it. That's how WILD I AM, Nutrag!

Tonight was another quest into the land of sexual futility. I say sexual because romance requires thought and effort. I dabbled in some adult beverages early on and alone. Desperate times call for plus size women or something along that line, I hear.

So my friend Brad said we were to join forces with hot women and well the rest would be best told in a locker room or fraternity house. Somehow those very hot and amazingly straight female softball women heard I was near and chose to not call Brad with there whereabouts. Another knotch in the bedpost only makes me look more rustic.

Ready to accept the cold shower of defeat I took off my shirt. My friend Sarah comes along and tells me that her fiance and her would pick me up to go to a bar, in Bowlingbrook. Within fifteen mintutes I drank more. I like to work the buzz from the moment I get there. Anyway, if none of you have been to the Rodeo drive of trailer trash called Bowlingbrook then let me tell you about it.

I went to this catchy sportsbar in search of miss right. I was flexible with just meeting miss negative std test result. Alas, neither were there. I have seen the bottom of shower sandals cleaner than the people there. Somehow the libido says "dude, what are you kidding me? Not even battery acid would sanitize that." There were some hot mommas there, chances are the sitter would appreciate them bringing back another person- job security.

What amazed me is the courage of the ugly people there. There were multiple obese people with horizontal stripes. HELLO! Did your father take a tumble off the wall before he could tell you about the ramifications of such a fashion? Am I the only one that thinks when obese people where horizontal stripes they look like a croquette ball? (Please send a comment to confirm me being alone or not)

Our waitress was the worse yet. I mean, shit, Denny's would tell her to go elsewhere. She was so bad that I didn't even consider her wanting to make out with me. She was busy dropping it like it was hot infront of the newest GED class.

As always, whenever I get together with my friend Sarah we talk about who from highschool we have seen. This one guy that showed up apparently dated a girl I graduated high school with. What I didn't know was that they split up two weeks prior after three years. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Oh, so you and Jenny are broken up?
Chach: Yeah, we decided to take some time apart.
Me: Way to go man! Right before the holidays too, that's called a sound financial decision.
Dueche: Actually, I already spent some time shopping for her.
Me: Well that's what they make reciepts for.
Knob: (silently exits)

Whenever you feel down about your life, come to Bowlingbrook. A town so inept they would elect a stray cat as their mayor.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Alright I Get It, Maybe

After signing out to hotmail, msn has a list of some things they suggest you search incase you needed to surf for some clean content at work. The past two days they have suggested structured settlement and steel building. I would love to think I know how they relate. I think it is code for commercial real estate leads to a messy divorce.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Remixing the Remixes

There is something amazing in the music industry. Linkin Park has joined forces with Jay-Z to make the Mashups cd that apparently we were asking for since the two made it. I really appreciate Linkoln Park's talents and moxy to release the same album three times over and still manage to go platinum each time.

I understand that without their musical genius I probably would never drink Mountain Dew or even watch a minute of the X Games. Who would have thought they would collaborate with Jay-Z? I mean he was supposedly retiring from this rap game still on top, blah blah blah. Some people never change until you wave some money infront of them.

Another theory on why the styles work well together is that Jay mentions in his song "encore" that he had to dumb down his lyrics for his fans to enjoy his words. I guess after one leaves the streets, to maintain their cred they must insult the very people that got them out of a food stamp funded life. While Hova is telling his fans that they are no smarter than his own project dwelling thugs, Linkin Park is working the second verse of another song that tells the tales of wrist slitting Eeyors. All in all everyone goes home feeling worthless and to me there is no better way to rock out.


I am going to try and do a brief entry when I wake up. This way my incoherent thoughts can be released before having to prove my worth to my coworkers. So we shall see how well that works out.


I came home from work and took a nap for like an hour and a half. I have this huge fear of being caught sleeping. Whether alone or someone actually witnessing me dozing off, I jump up and try to deny the truth. I looked at the clock and it read something like 8:26. I immediately freaked out thinking I am late for work. Then my mind starts to go. If it's this late why is there no sun? Oh no, not an eclipse during the day. That's a bad sign.

When you don't get regular exercise your heart will race at even just going up some stairs. After five minutes my heart sank back into my chest and I realized that I will never stop being a compulisively analytical dork.

Good Night.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

What is This, Morning Stuff?

It is not even 6:15am and I am awake. I have done more this morning than in the last few days of my retirement. I am such a go getter. I sure hope every morning is this wonderful.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The End of an Era

Don't cry for me unemployment, the truth is you just weren't that appealing to women. Isn't that why we do everything anyway? Today I worked five hours. The prospect of this company is great. I had some first day jitters. My biggest insecurity is that I only have one suit, that I got junior year of high school. There are only so many ways to diversify a suit before people realize you've been wearing the same thing the whole time.

Not that there is any strenous work in an office but still, I just feel like I am on one of those bring your kid to work visits. Tomorrow I am off to get some new suits and then tell myself that I can get into shape by the end of the year.

What a summer huh? My early retirement has been nothing more than a blissful misery. There is something to be said about retirement. I never did make it to Florida. I hear it's nice about this time of year. I did catch an episode of Golden Girls and even some Wonder Years. Still don't see what's so hot about Matlock. Unfortunately, I never woke up on time to get the early bird special.

I no longer have my addiction to melodramatic shows like Dawson's Creek. I am going on about seven weeks of not watching any WB programming and consequentially, no more prozac. Although I am still getting the shakes when I go more than eight hours without seeing an episode of Pimp My Ride.

Since I have already experienced retirement at 23, what is there left to live for? Life I suppose. Retirement is similar to being in bed. See how long you can stay in bed, awake. That is how much you'll like retirement.

One thing I will kind of miss is calling people during the work day. I would tell them to hang in there, things will pick up. Or, at least you have a job right? Taking it for what it is worth, many young people like to find themself while backpacking through Europe. That is effective in one manner. If you surround yourself with amazing things, you will want to be as amazing (or close to it).

Perhaps the one thing I am most glad to not experience is the interrogation. Do you have a job yet? Are you looking for a job? Do you know you need a job? WHAT?#@! A job? I have been at a loss now for months trying to figure out what it is exatly I should be doing from 9 to 5 for five days a week. Damn, a job. Thanks for the tip dill hole.