That's It! I'm Done.

As I get older I have to admit that I can no longer do what glorious things made being a young guy so great. Knowing that the modern era has made punchlines of fidelity and retirement, I may be able to un-retire from the following, maybe some of you should too.

1. Wearing a baseball hat backwards- like when I was a kid and I saw myself in the mirror sucking my thumb, I realize this has to stop. I look like a jackhole who quotes "Old School" to his coworkers while they rank who they'd nail in the office.

2. Starting my night out after 10:00pm - seriously what is so impressive about this? I have stuff to do tomorrow like mop, take the dog for an extra long walk, and play a video game.

3. Drinking games- If you have a mortgage you need to grow up. Flippy cup or quarters on your granite tops is not going to do anything better than demonstrate you white-knuckled hold on your "prime."

4. Eating a whole frozen pizza - This was child's play for me. In current times my girlfriend apparently wants to eat with me. Odd.

5. D-bag friends - There comes a time where the different groups of your friends may want to hang out. Now having to brace people for how "Greg is Greg. You'll just have to let him be." Not really who wants a tool hanging out making everyone cringe. Not sure if you support a D-bag? It's easy to tell. Are you older than 25, and does he/she act like they are in the sophomore year still? D-bag.


Man alive, I can't wait to install a ceiling fan some day.

Coworkers Say the Darndest Things

It has come to my attention that after working closely again with more women that men, I no longer want to have a daughter. The margin of error is far too wide. I used to think it would be cool to hear what women think...It's not impressive at all.

Today I was needed to lobby for a solid couple minutes before they would cease conversations about their vaginae. Knowing that I may very well have to defend this blog I will leave it at the point that v-talk should only come from my girlfriend or some dropout with daddy issues.

I have heard that if you put a pack of women together they eventually synchronize their cycles and plan global domination. Not so much in the cubes. It's a daily cat fight lotto. Who will make a highly irrational argument that will linger longer than their hummus breath? Who can begin to sabotage the very shine of the plastic professionalism we all banner? We all do. Even I will get in on this action.

Why? Sometimes although it's painful, I sure love kicking the hornets' nest.

Old Timer's Club

The times are a changing. I have for over a week now been injured with some sort of ailment to my neck and left arm. This may have happened from working out or from merely getting older. Nonetheless, I am feeling the message of old man time talking.

I know I am not a senior citizen yet but the fact of how I am working through this injury shows that my soul is not the only thing that is old. Here's a quick quiz to determine if you are no longer young, just young at heart.

1. True or False: You have bought Icy Hot, BenGay or a heating pad before.

2. True or False: You are more interested in brunch specials than the bar specials from the night before.

3. True of False: Kneeling takes a good ten seconds longer as you look for something to brace with.

4. True or False: You have various vitamin bottles not just the multi-vitamins you bought three years ago.

5. True or False: There is typically an inner monologue debating the cause and effect to what you eat.

If you answered true to more than three questions I am certain you are one like myself who has decided to shelve most physical life goals such as slam dunking, bench pressing your weight, and being able to take all the groceries into the house on one trip.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am much more limited to do things. It helps to be completely sedated with denial sometimes.

One more day until I buy Bayer

I have become officially older than I could have ever imagined. Just today I have hit such low levels of adult superiority as buying my first container of "Icy Hot" and a hot pad. My back actually smelled like an episode of Matlock. This is getting out of control.

I suppose I should give the best estimated origin of this injury. I was working out. Yes, I go to the gym. Frankly I don't know why I go to the gym. According to my good friend, once you land a long term relationship who else are you out to impress. Granted he has a legally binded document to endorse his sloth. So, I tweaked my shoulder/back and it has lingered around until now ruining peaceful sleep as I hold spooning ransom.

My brother recommends seeing my doctor but I had to inform him that I feel like I am more of a medical professional than her. Side note: Doctors, when you practice medicine sooo long that you change from a white coat to a gray or other color coat, please actually know medicine. My doc's coat is gray and I feel like she wants me to believe it is some kind of medical karate belt ranking. Gray must be the color coat for delusional.

The past four days I have been on steady Farve cocktails; advils and excedrine back/body. Just the idea that if my grandparents were alive and I could relate to their health makes me sad. Oh, I forgot the kicker. My index finger is numb. Like some sophomoric caveman I gnaw on it until I can feel my own bite. Never have I declared I was moving our society further with my intellect.

I may have become just what I found to be great contradictory concepts. Through my own working out I have become a slower moving and injured person. If I realized this was my fate over a year ago who knows how many video games I could have beaten? I know for sure I could have at least read one book in that time.

"Adults" Only

It has been an awesome ride into adulthood. I remember craving the title of adult for at least a dozen years before I knew what tax returns meant. Growing up wanting to be an adult was to my understanding to be a mature, composed individual that most likely shelved their childhood ambitions.

Do you remember the first time you found out that the word "adult" meant a bit more? What is a nine year old to do when they go to the library and see a section of adult reads only to go on the family vacation and see that the Lion's Den as well provides books. I remember asking my mom, who reads quite a bit, why do adults get even their own bookstore? What's so cool about "adult" books. Thank you Internet for illustrating what mom said in dismissal.

Maybe food network can let us all in on the secret reason for making special promos for food network "nighttime." Oh baby, it's 8:00 in the pm and the kiddos are tucked away. Now we are gonna chop some celery, but this time real naughty! (queue the heavy jazz)

I appreciate the freedom of press and never want it to stop but my final question today is who really buys porn at an airport?

Four Legged Alarm Clock

I am beginning to think that puppies may be the smartest creatures on this planet. I am now into three months of raising a "shephard mix" and it has been nothing but an eye opening process. First off "shephard mix" is kennel jargon for "we have no clue."

This dog of mine is nothing short of genius and mercenary. I have grown up with seven dogs through my childhood and never have the following happened.
My dog ate the wall.
My dog dragged the cat across the floor by its neck. (granted I was raised properly and never had a cat)

So I will explain the name because it drives me nuts on how it gets mispronounced. Bama; such as Alabama Crimson Tide (great football program). This is by no means an homage to Barack Obama (another time to discuss canonizing any politician). When people ask if it is to honor our president I like to let them know she can barely sit on command let alone read a teleprompter.

Here is the insanity. Saturday and Sunday Bama slept finally all night. Monday and Tuesday she wakes up three times barking so loud I can't pretend to be asleep for my girlfriend to handle the dog. How is it this dog seems to know the difference between weekday and weekend?

I think some people say that raising a dog is good training for becoming a parent. I have thought long and hard about that. I can easily say I have moved any tentative parental experience back another ten years at least.

Summer in the City - a 2009 Thank you note

This summer is not over but man has it been educational for me. I would be wrong to not pass this appreciation along.

Thank you,
-Mr. Homeless Man (under the viaduct) for constantly wiping your feces on the wall I pass daily as I go to work. You have redefined "rock bottom" for me.
-"cash for clunker" for making our government sound like something that is for sale on Sunday mornings before the church broadcast.
-street festivals for making sure washed up musicians can entertain people who love to eat off a stick.
-Chicago weather for being so unpredictable we all sound like lame farmers with a harvest that is going bust.
-women in white pants for mainly being hot; to the 60 year olds in denial, this is a fashion statement of a woman that is significantly more attractive. Even if you are going on a boat that day.
- The Cubs for being 45 days ahead of schedule and just buckling now so we can make plans for football season.
-Middle management for keeping MS Excel relevant to non-accountants.
-Michelle Obama for making triceps cool again.
-Bill Clinton for making Bono jealous.
-GM and the housing market for letting my past two major purchases personify financial tragedy.
-iTunes for making a $0.30 increase to the good songs and making me find that Coolio song for $0.69