Saturday, April 30, 2005

Birthday Horroscopes

I believe in fate, that's why I read my horroscopes the day after. I didn't make up the second one. Last year they told me Uma Thurmond has the same birthday as me. These are pulled from the paper, not Cosmo or some crap like that.

APRIL 29 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Your intellectual prowess wins fans and money this year! Changing the cast of characters in your work realm will infuse you with new energy over the next three months. Property and inheritance matters are resolved in September. A sensational romance has you floating through the summer. Love signs are Virgo and Capricorn. Your lucky numbers are 20, 3, 1, 14 and 40.

IF APRIL 29 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Comedian Jerry Seinfeld (1954) shares your birthday. You're aware of your image. You are self-possessed and dignified. You have excellent social skills. You value the good opinion of others. You handle responsibilities well. You have an above-average interest in your wardrobe and your appearance because you want to look good! The year ahead is social, fun-loving, and it favors romance!

Two horroscope people saying there's a good chance for romance. Ooh la la! I certainly hope she's a gymnast or massuse, or well not ugly.

The Manhattan Project

Ok, so the blog has been down since there were tech issues with the connection. SBC came out and unplugged the same items I did and then it worked. Whatever I guess. I now believe in the power of the orange maintainence vest.

I went out Thursday night solo since my Golden Girl marathon was canceled. There is a bar near my place that has discounted martinis on Thursday, so I went. Upon sitting next to Norm and Cliff, I looked at the martini list. Now the thing with martinis is that most of the new ones are fruity one meant for women.

So I ordered a manhattan. Apparently that drink gave me mad respect in the bar by any guy near me. They all thought I was on classy guy ordering a manhattan. That was cool, but I didn't know how cool until Dewey told me he sells Makers Mark and was impressed I ordered one at my age. He bought my drinks, in a completely hetero way though.

The guys around me started talking to me and asking about myself and it was interesting that such a kinship can be forged over booze, wait no that's what booze does. I now sit in the same spot at the bar and will soon be a known regular there, which I think will end the free drinks.


I have learned so much about mass transit in the past day alone. See, I once went out on my own and I got to a transfer point and exited for my new train. I waited for about 35 minutes for my new ride. During that time I saw about five trains coming for the same line that I was just on. Frustrated at the hour and lack of service since it never came, I went home.

Now bring us to yesterday. Rob and I were at the same transfer point and then he threw me for a loop. We went upstairs. What?! I told him that I was waiting downstairs for 35 minutes. He laughed in my face as we went up what seemed to be the eternal escalator ride. I walked out onto the above ground walkway and sure enough, that's where I should have been weeks ago.

This all goes back to one of my weakness being arrows on signs. When the arrow is to indicate one direction I interpret for another. It said arrow to the right. I went right. Not right up the stairs. I feel as though I can reverse this shortcoming but I need someone in the transit dept to admit to the signs not being completely clear. I am such a moron. Only the obvious confuse me because it's so simple that I think no way, this shouldn't be this easy.

The level of difficulty of using the mass transit is so easy the blind can do it. This episode should be a pick me up for them, that is if someone is reading this to them right now.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Red Rover

Nothing lets off steam like ten minutes of so of jumping rope while trying to follow an episode of Law and Order. No matter how bad my day may have been, the fines in NYC have it worse. So this is my second rope session and I like it. I can tell I jump lopsided since I am building blisters on the inside of my big toe.

I used to think jumping rope is lame, but now that I have one with the weights in it- definitely hardcore. It gives me reason to quit the Y. Then again I should go once or twice just to see if the women there are more out going than in other facilities. Picking up someone at the gym is something that has such visual pros and cons.

While there you get to see they don't want to either get fat, or feel ugly. Advantage health club. However, there are so many reasons not to talk while there- headphones, heart rate, closed captioning of Access Hollywood. Most women look good at the gym- ok most women that renew their membership look good. Advantage health club. The double negative here is the sweat factor. Shaking hands, dripping wherever, and worse of all back sweat. Mandy Moore herself could approach me but if she was all sweaty backed I would have to ask her to hit the shower.


So on my recent drives I have come across something that makes me feel smarter than watching a boxing match. There are people selling M&M's with peanuts. Not even kids- grown pathetic people. Excuse me sir, what are those delectable looking chocolates in the yellow wrapper? I have NEVER seen them before.

No longer do I trust children's fundraisers. Somewhere behind each cubscout popcorn, girl scout samoa, or issue of Streetwise there is a corrupt person taking the generosity and mocking it. Do you really believe your standing in traffic will compell me to buy chocolate? Only if I see someone having a diabetic attack.

Now if there were Starburst or Payday maybe I could agree on supporting their now commendable efforts for alcohol.


I had honey nut Cheerios the other day. First time ever. In my life. There are so many things that I have been witholding from and I don't know why. I tried to then put banana on the Cheerios. That tasted all sorts of horrible. .The gooeyness of the potassium rod and the crunchiness of honey coated oat rings makes me wish for my cholesterol to never be high enough I have to do that again.

If you think ham and cheese is boring- toast it. Suddenly ham and cheese is back to being #1 in the lunch meat locker room. Thank you Sally Skillet and Molly Margerine for making it all possible. I also now know I really don't have a spatula, I thought I misplaced it. Nope I had to use a mixing spoon. Not nearly as effective.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Make it a Double

The kegerator. It has died. It took talking to my cousin in Mississippi to realize I am beyond the concept. Am I? This is a big decision. See I am the dream. I have been told by literally countless males that they are intending on living vicariously through me. Flattering, but that's a whole new pressure I didn't expect.

The kegerator is something many men ponder. I had a dream, where I had two kegerators that sat side by side ready to make the best black and tan a guy can hope for. I even have the official Guiness glasses. There are certain moments even I become trigger shy. Take for instance this whole kegerator, the more I talk about it the more I realize the kegerator is a sausage magnet.

I am consciencous of the ratio everytime I have people over. Only on certain cases do I allow a -1 or -2 ratio. I have now begun to construct the blue prints for the next big idea. A wet bar. To my knowledge that means bar, but wet makes it mean something classy.

As my NY Bartender book as my gospel, I will prepare for the end of month spectacular. The next additions will have to be something along the lines of wine, rum, midori, chambord, or brandy. The decision is tough since the necessity for grenadine should be mentioned in the same breath as jigger.

Not too many people understand the movement happening here. I am on the verge of creating one of the best recreational experiences that is not sex, but very may well lead to it. Pioneer I am not, but I am one hell of a host- I'd like to think.

I also would like to think this would come to actually happen. So blind by the sun I forget to look at the ground. This should be fun.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Costco Anyone?

Welcome to life, as we know it. Now that I have the internet at my fingertips I can talk to as many people I would like. Just yesterday I went to the store with my mom for groceries. This was a great moment in bachelorhood transition. She let me push the cart and even load it.

I like the whole Costco experience. There is something about a single person shopping at a place meant to quench a natural disaster site. I went aisle to aisle, not wanting to miss a single lot of anything. Moments of weakness are much more significant there than any other shop. Never before have you had to rationalize a purchase and the ability to store it in your residence like this bulkland.

My heart went pitter patter twice. Once at the alcohol. The college in me said "ok, so one big storage bin, four blenders, some pineapple rings, cherry kool-aid and we are in business. " To my shigrin, chianti is not the mixer that Skol vodka once was. I managed to purchase a bottle of Skyy so large it should be made into a lamp. Thank you capitalism.

My jaw actually dropped upon the sight of Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwhiches, sausage, egg and cheese croissant. I restrained myself, claiming that would be a silly purchase. I then went over and grabbed a package of hotdogs with more than a ballpark vendor carries.

I was at one point scared. My mom, young at heart went wandering around the store, likely for some vegetables. I got to the point of excess. I reached for the cell phone to call her and find exactly where she was. I found her moments later between the ravioli and taquito chests.

Grocery shopping is a fulfilling time for young people. I remember my grandma asked me at Easter about living on my own. "What are you going to do for food?" I replied "well, I probably will go hunting- like everyone else." She chuckled, and then promptly removed my smart ass from the will.

I like knowing that I have food in the freezer. My belly will be full for a month now. The advantage of Costco is greatly noted as it was paired with one of the biggest downfalls to city life. No garaunteed parking space. Nothing like hauling random boxes of items that don't even match a block and half.

Where are the homeless when you need them?

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Life at It's Finest

The AM Grand Prix has been in full effect now for about a week. I was going onto the Kennedy and Mona the Silver Bullet has reached a new top speed. 91 mile per hour. The car is awesome by many engineering standards, the only one I know is that it doesn't shake when I top out at 91.

The only way my 03 Malibu can get cooler is if I save up to make it a convertible. Kind of a responsibility meets urban ignorance.


So bracket talk quickly. I am that guy. I had 2 brackets both with U of I v. UNC. Each one with the other winning. Genius. Once again those Chinese people are right, this is the year of the Mike (or Rooster)

Last night I stayed up watching tv. Not good tv, something my dad always talks about. Channel 11. Why? There was a documentary on the hotdog stands across our fine nation.

Of course they went and had Chicago dogs near the end of the show. Even on the poor man's PBS, they go for ratings. FYI, no condiments on my hotdogs for me. Just MSG and fillers.

Sometimes I feel lost and like I am in a vicious cycle, then I realize that feeling is relative to the number of Law & Order shows I watch a week.

Friday, April 01, 2005

AM Grand Prix come once I have time. Ok, I have time now I just wish it to be not 5:50pm on a Friday. I need to leave work. Peace. Oh, Tiffany- you might as well leave your contact info in a comment since I will have no other way. My readers will respect your privacy. (Dear readers: She's hot. Totally call her if you can.)