Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Whoever Said...

Women had this level of discretion was wrong. I had a conversation yesterday with a woman explaining that her immodium a.d. is not working fast enough. She even went as far as to mention the words vomit and diarhea ( I know that's spelled wrong). I am sure she still holds composure and denies sweating or farting.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Ain't Too Proud to Shut Up

So much has happened in the past few days that I am uncertain to what extent I should speak. Last week I came to the realization that city or suburb, I hate parades. I was woken up to the loud and proud Puerto Rican community storming the avenue like there was an opening at shortstop.

There is something to be said about the way they demonstrate their cultural pride. Their is no subtlety to being Puerto Rican. Not even will the standard mini flag from the mirror do in such a case. Bring out the big honkin' flag that would be soaring atop the capital building. But where does one put such a large obstruction of vision? The hood, maybe. How about making your children hold the flagpole out the window as you cruise the city. Papi is just so proud of you.

I don't know if there is any other purpose of the parade but to interfere with other people's plans. No park use, no regular street use, no sleeping in until 9:30. I was woken by honking at 8:30am. ON A SATURDAY! I live on a sidestreet. Who comes down such a minor road? "We must make sure the WHOLE city knows of our great culture." Hey newsflash buddy: We all can hear the subwoofers coming from two blocks away. Great, great culture indeed.

No one can argue the pride message of the parade, now the tact and diplomacy yes, Same thing goes for any parade. I don't care. St. Patrick's Day get off the street you drunks. Parades are used to maintain the image and legacy of a culture. God forbid someone come up with a more efficient display of middle child syndrom.

I come off smug about this because parades are just like festivals and zoos. I always get stuck inbetween to women that make the Fridge look dainty and they stink to high heaven. There are a collection of people that don't bathe regularly, they go to the free events and walk slow and block 2/3 of the walkway with an ass that could stop a cannon ball. All a parade will do is shed light on all the stereotypes we use. Parades: Keeping grandpa's jokes applicable.

The level of pride and arrogance about one's culture just makes me realize that infact that I am proud and times arrogant- of my cultural modesty. I need no flag, no parade, no sticker on my car to let people know where I never visited. I am American, that works good enough for me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Loop

I am in the process of something wonderful. However I made the mistake of mentioning it to some people before it goes off. Being in the loop is something that most people think that they are but it's a minority of those we trust. So I began to wonder how do you earn the trust of people so quickly?

1. Cook for them. If someone lets you take care of the preparation of any food that clearly is a big sign. Unless you're making something like salad or deviled eggs. Anything that can be at a party without supervision is not cooking for people. In my brief party experience the layer dip is something that I can no longer pretend to "have later." The chef/dip person makes sure that all that enter the party try the dip. A sort of tortilla vigil perhaps. I don't appreciate the "come on one chip won't kill you." Yeah but from the mere scent alone it is killing my appetite.

2. Transport them. Anytime that someone asks someone to pick up or drop off there should be compensation of nice meal or sex. That's just the street value of a lift, so I hear. So riders beware.

3. Open up. The best mistake ever. Whatever nugget of trivia given will soon grow inside their head until it eats it's way back to the mouth and falls out infront of the wrong people. The tragedy of a leaky secret is not in the awakening that is had, it's the what?! you told WHO first!! moment. Best of luck working through this one, especially if you are in a committed relationship.

4. Intimacy. Now this is a tough one since I have a terrible thought of always wondering what jackoff got to this person before I met them. My only solace is that we are all able to consult the high quality evaluations at a free clinic...just incase.

The loop is something that is just like the locale. If you are there it's one of the most coveted areas yet will cost you an arm and a leg to tell others that they are not where you are.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Put Down the Prayer Candles!!!

Beyonce' and her houston hoochies are finally calling it quits. I know, tough as it is, it is time to move on. But who will bring us follow up singles to "bootylicious" "survivor" and of course "nasty girl?" Probably Gwen Stefani.

I really did like this group. Granted I was on my death bed and the fantasy of getting it on with someone not white was topping the list so I would have something to discuss in the afterlife. Farewell Beyonce', looks like you can finally use "Goldmember" as her acting catapult and not have to worry about explaining the lack of back up sisters.

Sometime in college I was informed that black women in particular, wear extensions. Never knew it until then. Do women actually think that wearing another person's hair is the best option. I think that chemo patients have the right to get a bit upset. I know what you're thinking, a bit sassy today why so? Life was crazy today.


So the verdict. Let's discuss. Wait, I didn't watch or care since I know that celebrity justice is more than just a piss pour show on late night tv.


I put the air on in the car for the first time this year. I don't have air in the apartment. Time to move into my car.


I dropped the f bomb by 9:30am at work today after a candidate cancelled for the third time. I can actually feel the inner Republican growing stronger.

Am I the only one that thinks
- the villan in Batman Begins should have been played by Josh Jackson or James Van DerBeek?
- Hillary Duff looks like Jenna Jameson's younger sister?
- Adam Sandler and Melissa Etheridge sound the same singing?
- Stone Phillips is the original father of Vicki from "Small Wonder?"
- NBC prides itself on sports ESPN said no to ? ( Arena League, Nascar, WNBA, track and field)
- now that the Cubs are winning the North side can forget those pesky rapes?

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Coming Attractions

Just a bit of updating for you all. The following projects are to be coming in the next couple months.

Leftovers- a short film about a date ruined and saved by the quirks of each person's family. This is going into production in July with an anticipated premiere in August.

Stand up- well I am working on that as best I can, unfortunatelly clubs go through agencies. Where's my agent? Coming soon I hope.

Improv- Well auditions for the next wave are nearing, if all goes well the premiere to Leftovers can be the announcement of many types of great entertainment news.

"The Show"- a sketch show to be coming to Chicagoland in the early Fall. Featuring writings by yourstruly and a core of writers that pissed way too much money into classes. Not to forget a featured guest sketch each week.

I know it seems intense and not all will go as smoothly as planned. Feel free to comment on your cynicism, I'd love to know exactly who I will be proving wrong by Halloween.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Part of the Game

So this past weekend was wonderful and educational. What I thought was a clever idea put me in the same role as a large girl wearing the backless shirt. I tried to fit in my little league jersey. To my defense it fit. To those who love male butt cleav, that was the outfit for you. Hindsight is clear but I still am animate about not wearing button down shirts out on the weekend. I'm not your ex-boyfriend's boyfriend. All those guys look like the smurfs. Now I know why there was only one girl on that show.

Anyway. I also learned the BYOB policy is acceptable for beer. Bring a case, 6 or 12. For those bringing liquor, apparently an entire bottle is needed before you can show your face. Not I. I went extra selfish and packed a flask of Jameson. I later divied up some shots for a few people. I was mocked by one gal and then when I offered her some free booze she did what all good girls do and shut her yapper and took the free booze. Her shoes were too pointy.

Yes, I am like that. There is a theory I am testing. The pointier a woman's shoe is, the higher maintainence she is. Guys, my suggestion of places to look after the typical chest, butt, and complete tattoo search is as follows; finger (for ring), eyes (for early wrinkles from chronic tanning), then shoes. If those things are at a point that they can chip away a block of ice. Back off. For your and your wallet's safety back away. To me it just reminds me of the Chineses culture when they stuffed women's feet in shoes so small they were permanently broken.

We played softball two nights ago. I sucked. One week after a great game I sucked. Tbere was a ditch for batter's boxes and I damn near fell out of it each time. Twice I lost balance on the way to first and fell face forward. My knee is reopened and life is grand. Oh, I also took a liner off my shin and now it is noticeably swollen.

The way things are going I am lead to believe the world will all be married by Halloween. But at least the chicken will be good.