Monday, December 18, 2006

Holiday Wish List

Now boys and girls, be careful for what you wish for you just may get it. I came to this nasty realization that there lies a great level of humilty and humiliation with one's selfishness and self-absorbed perspective on life. Let's check out the top things I saw on tv this week for consumption.

Fathead- the gigantor size of all sports poster/billboard for home or office. It could be NFL, NCAA, Nascar, NBA, or even NHL (incase anyone watches outside Canada and my friend Larry's house). The beauty of this product is that it can be moved from wall to wall with out losing it's stick. Which makes for a fortunate lifespan since it will more like need to be taken off the wall of many future ex-girlfriends wall quickly as she throws your weak ass out. I like this because I am a vidiot. There is nothing that cries for footie pajamas more than a giant poster of your favorite sport team on your wall well after your voice has cracked (I am exempt from that scrutiny as I am still on record for the being the oldest male to still crack his voice.).

Nike+i-Pod - Sweet, I always love to see the small sweatshops of the world collabo on a new toy. Now that an elevator voice is attributed to how far or fast I run I can't wait until they merge the i-pod with my shower caddy and toilet paper roll. I am always led to believe that the best inspiration for fitness should be who you're trying to sleep with. If that doesn't work just grab your waist and if you can grab enough to hang a small plant from it, keep running.

Birthcontrol- I don't recall the name of it but essentially it reduces the number of periods a girl has a year. Watch out ladies. So you are not having your friend flow over for a coffee as much. Repurcssion one; once we know that say good bye to the logically illogical mood swings and ability to kill without guilt. Gone are the days where you can make that silent gesture to get out of situations, dates, or traffic tickets. On the bright side now the hot women can wear white pants longer.

Thank God we got past that white after Labor Day rule.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Dental Dam!

I just got back from the dentist today. The installments of pain are due to my lack of flossing, so I hear. My dentist is a nice guy but today was a rough day. While using what felt like a tire jack on my face, he began to give me play by play. I get you are drilling out the bad stuff. There is no need to tell me what you are doing explicately. However, could you please make sure the hygentist gets the game plan prior to coming into the room. Never am looking forward to people hunching over me with the words "just give me the 24 gauge" uttered.

No matter what the dentist tells you regarding the severity of the problem you will be informed by the sound of the drill when it hits tooth. Like the slowest bee sting the first drill slapped some sense into me. Ok, I will floss more. Too Late. In came another drill. This one was a slow mini version of the drill from NASA. I may have opted for being thrown down the flight of stairs it felt like was going through that tooth.

While mastering how to clench my entire body for over an hour, I was asked questions about what I felt and being ready for more of the proceedure. It was at that point that I realized how effective dental work can be as creative sentencing for felons. I was nodding and giving a thumb up for more pain. Now granted, this pain is covered by sedation; for an hour.

I was blessed with nice banter with the hygentist. She asked me if I had spent any time "watching these bears?" It was at this moment I realized how I sound when I am full of it. A very sweet gesture negated by the fact that I thought we had concluded the process. Wrong. The only thing more painful than dental work is coming back from intermission. Hey, let's have that sedative ware down.

At one point, as leaning in to proceed the dentist asked "I hope you don't feel this."

I think we all know that honesty is the best policy, just probably not in medicine.