Saturday, May 28, 2005


The other day I wenr to get fitted for my tux for another friend's wedding I am in. Initially a good moment from the compliment on my suit, turned sour. The clerk asked for my waist size, 34. He measured, a 35. A 35. Now I have been pleased being a 34-34 for a number of years. To me it's about keeping the battle versus inseam and waist a tie. Somewhere between the brats and occasional sit ups there was a foul and the waist went to the line making one of two.

I am not worried as much as I am worried. There is now only 5 inches from a 40 waist. Which there is nothing wrong with a 40, but I am (kind of) trying to get a 6 pack. Refocused I have decided to try and cut down on some of the finer things in life. I went to the store and shopped healthy.

Sure I picked up frozen pizzas, but that's only because the Pizzazz hasn't been used in a month. I bought salads, peppers, cucumbers, carrots, vitamin d milk, and for a snack - yogurt. You know you feel bad about your body image when you eat yogurt. I can't believe anyone in their right mind would actually eat spoiled milk with fruit bits in it for fun.

Yogurt is such a reflective food item. Through the whole cup I was thinking "what have I done wrong?" This new quest to purge the pudge will give me reason to cut out beer and go back to the cocktail, and the gym.

My return to the gym came last night. I showed up for some lap swim. I swam for a shorter time in a shorter pool than in Ripon but at least I was there. I went and took out a kickboard and leg foam for specific drills I recall from the team. While using the kickboard (which clearly works your legs), the life guard was cleaning up after family swim. He took my leg foam. Hello, I just ask you five minutes ago if I could use the aforementioned piece of foam. Dillhole.

So I swam. The form was the stellar cellar of D-III athletics some may have witnessed. Once my arms turned jello, I tried a flip turn. Beautiful, now I just need to work past the flushing of my sinuses by all that water. Someday that'll happen.

I returned home to then eat, and watch season 3 of Seinfeld. Ahh life is so sweet. With plans to hit an open mic at midnight I was set and pleased with my day. Then I passed out on the couch. Woke up to Rob's call hoping that he didn't want to hang out due to my now motionless body. He was staying in since he had to work today. FIne with me. I went back to passing out.

2:30 in the morning wakes me up and I move to the bedroom. I stayed there until 11:30 this morning. Thus almost breaking the longest healthy sleep record with a 14.5 hour sleep. I will let you know that I dreamt about the next x-men movies and it will be great, especially if like my dream I am in them.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Fatty Fat Fat

I started today with a parking ticket. Yeah! It's good to know that it cost me $50 to find out that there is actually a police presence in my neighborhood. I ate another chicken pot pie for lunch. Although tasty they are not that good due to the insane number of peas in there. For some reason I will eat snow peas (peas in a pod) and the standard pea is not something I would willingly chew.

Sometime people think that it's the same no matter what. Not true- the presentation creates a whole different experience. I had another Healthy Choice meal yesterday and damn near vomited, just so I had something with flavor to eat. If you were going to eat the beef merlot, don't. It forced me to go to the cafeteria at work. I now know why people are afraid to be over 30. They have to eat that bullshit and pretend to like it.

I have a horrible diet and I know it. I will have my moments of eating balanced meals, typically when in a relationship. Regardless of that I treat the diet as it should be treated. Ride the peperonni wave until it's all over. Let's not be ignorant, we know how it's going to end, why would I choose a cob salad over an Al's Beef combo?

On an unrelated matter, I have a bit of a ponch. Trying to kick that is hard mainly since well everyone tends to repay me in deliciously fatty food. Diets are never possible if you are one that feels each moment should be lived to its fullest. Again, it may change only if there is a chance to impress someone that you can eat more than a case of Pringles and a stuffed crust pizza.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Better Than Nachos?

No way. It couldn't be. Could it? For the past umpteen years my appetite has been quite public for its affection toward nachos, specifically cheese, salsa, and sour cream. Ooh yeah. Well Dan and Steph gave us all the coolest treat of all at the reception. A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!

Have you ever seen one? Perhaps this is the fountain Ponce was looking for. It flowed like Barry White lyrics over the fruits, cookies, pretzles and fingers of all. Who made this thing? I mean really what stoner am I indebited to this time. It seems that all my favorite snacks came from the back end of some narcotic assistance.

The chocolate fountain reminded me of those Coco-Puff commercials that used to runny. Which by the way Sunny is the creepiest of all cereal mascots. I am just amazed, I was really set on a nacho platter- only because I could have sworn I heard talk of such mexi-happiness. Then again I don't just have selective hearing I have wishful hearing.


I would write more about the reception but I just got back from seeing Episode III and it was magnificent. The third movie I have seen on my own. I feel that is better for critical analysis.

Ever since Garden State I can totally tell that Natalie Portman wants me. Would I convert for her? I think there could be a common ground established. It is afterall Hollywood.


Maybe it's nostalgia kicking in again but I sure could go for a Slurpee. That $1.30 tub of aired out Mountain Dew sure made me a happy camper. Did I ever mention that my friends and I at the movie theater back when I was 16 invented what is now Code Red? Sure we didn't document that but I blame that on the free refill policy at the theater. So weak, yet so delicious.


Can radio stations stop playing Pearl Jam's Jeremy, Alive, or Evenflow? Ten came out more than ten years ago, let it go. Somewhere there are community college linemen hitting the repeat button on their new removable face car stereo. Thank God I am still not cool.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Three Ringed Circus

Well my brother got married this weekend. I was the best man and that was really cool. There were about half a dozen more things that I was responsible for than originally thought. Not until I took care of the rings though.

Now here is the story above all others here. Dan had one ring, Steph had two rings (one for each side of the engagement ring- sort of a pimp my wedding band thing). Anyway, she has such small fingers that I noticed her rings could become lodged inside of Dan's. So I chose to separate them in my pocket.

It just so happened that I chose to do this as the procession in was begining. The groomsmen were off to the side and were to meet with the bridesmaids at the aisle. I had separate the rings and placed one in the internal pocket inside the pocket. Due to my excessive sweaty hands the other one of her rings became stuck to my hand, then upon pulling it out of the pocket it fell off my hand. The only reason I knew was that the sound it made hitting my ever so comfortable tux shoe.

Within moments, I realized I couldn't keep this a secret. Every one asked if I was joking. I began to fear that I would be first ever in family history to be impeached from the Best Man role. Then with all the groomsmen crawling around on the side of the church, it was found. I thank John Rossi immensely for that. I apologized to Dan and then made sure the rings were in separate parts of the pocket. All's well that ends well right?

Nope. See I am confident that moment made me more nervous about the whole ceremony than either the bride or groom. When the deacon (a whole story on his own) asked for the rings I took them out one at a time. My hands were prespiring as though they were in a sauna or something. Delicately I took one ring, the next ring. The pocket was deep and bunching up on my bulbous sweaty digits. The Deacon then says "go ahead and take your time, you've got all day." His ignorance of the previous situation makes me take his comment in stride.

Crisis averted and we leave the church. Almost. People are coming up to me, for some reason. They insist on telling me that what I did with the rings was comic genius. Not giving them at one time. Right, watch out National Lampoon, here comes a tall bafoon that makes people laugh through his own futility. Ok that actually sounds better than how I see.

A best man must make sure that not only does the wedding end happily, but that it's memorable. Oh I do believe I succeeded on both fronts. Can't wait to mention the reception tomorrow.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Make it Stop

Well well well. Let me tell you about the most recent of my obsessions. The McDonald's dollar menu. In one weekend I ate 3 double cheeseburgers. THREE people. That's a lot. Since I normally have been a mcnugget guy. Now the mcnuggets are all upset since they aren't getting any love. Calm down mcnugs, everyone gets a turn. You had like I don't know about twenty plus years of dietary monopoly. Things change, people have phases but I know I will never stray from the beauty and deliciuousness of the sweet and sour sauce.


Last night I went out with some buddies and it was great. I grew a new nemesis, found solace in another, impressed myself, and even got free beer.

So I was to meet jj and steve with rob at some bar. Great no problem. I felt all sorts of prepared by having the cab co in my cell phone. I called them. Told them where I was and they told me that in about 5-20 minutes the cab shall arrive. Rob and I sit on the curb drinking our beer- yes we're that tough. I called the cab place again five minutes later. "I am calling to restate the legitamacy of my cab request." The disbatcher then tells me that "we don't service your area." I'll take bullshit for 200.

We walk to a busy intersection and as we walk there's a cab to that very company. For the rest of the night I cursed at any cab that was from that company.


So at the bar my theory was proven into social law. I wore a 1990's commemoration t- shirt for the demolition of Comiskey Park. Why? I knew that every guy there would be wearing a freaking button down shirt (striped or not). Was I right? Dead on. The evening dresscode now is a button down shirt, add stripes if you want to give the impression that you have an electric guitar or something else you don't use - like a gym membership.

Enter a shorter brown haired girl. Name ANdrea. I stress where the syllable is because there was an AnDREa there too. You broads need to realize your name is not ever unique. The crazy need to spell or correct pronunciation just lets us all know how high maintainence you are.

She was drawn to my t-shirt. Maybe it was the glow-in-the-dark feature, or the fact I was the only one that had just a t-shirt on. Anyway, she eventually tied a balloon to my belt loop- she wants me right? I know just another girl that gets smitten like a kitten to be near such a tall guy. I ripped it off my belt loop.

As the night ends there, this bald man keeps following her around. Why? Did he not see the balloon incident? Does he not understand the marking of one's territory. I was marked. Just on appearance I felt I was safe. About four or five free beers into it I walked up to her and asked "You're not really going to go home with that bald guy are you?" She then replies "That bald guy is my boyfriend." Do I apologize? Do I try and compliment my way to forgiveness? I said "Well, good luck with that." I then turned to my friends and said ok now it's time to go.

That sort of impecable timing is something you're born with, so don't try it if you don't have it.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Ripon-Good Times

Last Saturday I went back to college for the first time classes were in session since my own graduation. What a great feeling. All my old friends and infatuations were there to make me feel the warmth of being the original tall lanky bastard. I went back into the fraternity house which for those unfamiliar is a dorm- we're a resedential campus.

There were so many changes made on campus since I was last there. Construction everywhere, paint actually staying in presentable condition and even freshman. Wow, I love the twinkle in the eye of underclassmen. There is something about their own ignorance of not knowing how good they have it.

I caught up with the guys, which at one point lead to me getting beer poured down my back by Nick Greenwood, friend and former chem tutor. In a fit of revenge my thought was to poor beer in retaliation on someone else knowing their own innocence, but thinking that this would make them pour beer on Nick. Nope. More beer down my back. At least I wasn't able to shower for a full day.

There was a great moment for me to realize I was drunk. I saw who is called Baby Huey and well, she went by the hall while I was on my way to the bathroom. I grabbed the right shoulder of my friend Rob, pulled him in close to drunken whisper-shout "Dude, Baby Huey!" Rob then turned to me to reveal that he was not Rob. I have joked about being gay but when you whisper "Dude, Baby Huey" into someone's ear on their way to the urinal- that could be code for something only the community would know. How I left the bathroom without a black eye or phone number amazes me.

I am a chump. Full out. For some reason I was drinking a beer in the hall and the hall director came by and asked me to pour out the beer. WHAT!? Fearing repercussions for the brothers, I did so. Then came the bitch slap. He asked me to take the can out of the water fountain (bubbler-for WI residents) and put it in the trash. I was too drunk to reason but tried to do so once he left. I take no insult to the request, I understand my college is accepting of inhebreation, as long as it doesn't interfere with the beautification.

Thank you all at Ripon, I had such a good time I might even vote republican next time.