Sunday, November 27, 2005

Do You Try Too Hard? Exam 1

Look, it doesn't take a union worker to tell us the values of effort. Some folks are putting in overtime on matters that should not be more than a moments thought. They are special people, after all they are quick to scoff if you are not like them. Are you them? Don't worry if you are I very well may still talk to you. (Well, don't come running up telling me you are trying too hard. What am I supposed to do then? Let's avoid the awkward situation, ok?)

1. Do any of your winter hats have a bill? (follow up) Do you have more than one winter hat?
A. If you answered yes, please realize you look like a tool and many people hope you ski like Sonny Bono.
B. If you answered no, don't worry there's plenty of time to go wrong here.

2. Do you own a pair of UG boots and not live in the artic?
A. If you answered yes, for the love of God take them off you winter ho.
B. If you answered no, chances are your pretentious girl is making you buy her some for the holidays.

3. Do you plan on buying the new Madonna CD?
A. If you answered yes, please realize that a 50 year old putting out a club/dance album is a lame as someone buying it.
B. If you answered no, thank you.

4. Do you still recite Dave Chappel lines?
A. If you answered yes, keep it to your fraternity pledge weekends.
B. If you answered no, thank you for remembering Richard Pryor.

5. Do you debate the problems of the BCS system at bars?
A. If you answered yes, get a Jaeger bomb and clue in that only dorks that listen to AM radio care about that.
B. If you answered no, you were probably making fun of the person that said yes.

6. Do you wear long sleeved button down shirts that are striped when going out?
A. If you answered yes, you are every cookie cutter jack hole I see at the bar.
B. If you answered no, chances are you prefer to wear a hoodie; when going to your Magic games.

7. Do you try and bartend/suggest "new" drinks for people when they are out with you?
A. If you answered yes and are not a freshman in college. Let it go.
B. If you answered no that amazes me.

8. Do you go tanning during the winter?
A. If you answered yes and are not a 38 year old divorcee', take off your designer shades and realize how pale we all are.
B. If you answered no, I will see you with the other albinos at the beach in June.

9. Do you read books from Oprah's book club?
A. If you answered yes remember she isn't your friend. And you just made her way rich.
B. If you answered no stay strong you've made it this far.

10. Do you talk about your health club membership or diet more than you use it?
A. If you answered yes I appreciate your influx of initial initiative, for the first three days you were so on top of it.
B. If you answered no well chances are you and your spouse and 2.3 children are doing splendid. But can you really keep it up?

Results- With any of these questions if you answered yes realize you need to back off the social trends and spend time being the obscure person you're running from. Remember the cool kids weren't necessarily the cool kids. They just are the most vocal about how fragile their egos are.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:42 PM

    Damn. I am a loser.

    I'm Rick james Bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1. Do any of your winter hats have a bill? (follow up) Do you have more than one winter hat?
    -- no and no. (i also do not own ear muffs in case you wanted to know).

    2. Do you own a pair of UG boots and not live in the artic?
    -- absolutely not

    3. Do you plan on buying the new Madonna CD?
    -- see above answer.

    4. Do you still recite Dave Chappel lines?
    -- i never did...and my mom loves richard pryor.

    5. Do you debate the problems of the BCS system at bars?
    -- i sure dont.

    6. Do you wear long sleeved button down shirts that are striped when going out?
    -- i am not a man.

    7. Do you try and bartend/suggest "new" drinks for people when they are out with you?
    -- no. i bartend while at work, i have no interest in discussing work when im out. but i do know about a zillion martinis.

    8. Do you go tanning during the winter?
    -- no. i am pretty pale and irish but strangely tan well in the summer when im lazily sitting on a beach or at wisconsin dells.

    9. Do you read books from Oprah's book club?
    -- i do not watch orpah...if ive read one of her books, it was not on purpose.

    10. Do you talk about your health club membership or diet more than you use it?
    -- people who talk about how overweight they are and refuse to do anything about it, bother me. people who talk about their diet, bother me. if you're going to do it, then do it. no one really wants to sit and listen to the boring foods they shouldnt eat and the foods they wish they could.

    i am sooo enjoying myself right now.

    ReplyDelete