Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Walk This Way

Something of late has returned to my attention. I apparently have trouble walking. In high school I grew so quickly that I walked like Shaggy. Now, (maybe the shoes) fell down stairs and almost fell again this morning. Falling down stairs is such a humbling experience. It shows that you are either really old, not paying attention, drunk, or less skilled mechanically than a three year old.

I don't know what is worse. Growing up I actually caught a number of people from falling all the way down our steps to our family room. Great-grandma was the scariest. She was so old that when I went to grasp her from falling further I feared breaking her bones that way.

Maybe the handicap ramps are more embarrassment resistant slopes. I think they are great ideas, it's a shame that the majority of early ramp use comes at an amusement park. Our minds are conditioned to get to a rollercoaster after winding around for a quarter mile, not Wal-Mart.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Bill of Hook Up Rights

Welcome to the world of hook up ettiquette. Now that Spring is back and we are trying to kick the sexual rust off on a couple of practice runs, (or in the baseball metaphor world- going to the cages) let's make sure we can agree to a hook up treaty.

This like our great constitution must be able to be ammended but at the same time we should have the Bill of Hook Up Rights that all people are entitled to until they break them and must be tried by a mass of pop culture tinted gossip lenses. So let's begin, shall we?

1. Freedom of STD's. Sorry you must be honest and not like the MLB's steriod policy. One and done. Plus it's not like we won't be suspicious of the chronic itching.

2. The right to bear birth control, and use it. Stop telling us it helps keep your face free of oil and whatever other crater formed on your face.

3. One may only sexile with consent of the 'xiled. (if there is no consent, best make sure the story is good the following day.)

4. It is unlawful for one to perform unreasonable search and seizure, afterall you're not there to read their 7th grade diary.

5. The right to not answer any self-incriminating questions (ex-talk, previous performance standards, etc.)

6. All last moment accusations/confessions are deferred to a rebuttal of wingmen/women in person or via cell phone. The next morning if needed.

7. Biting/scratching or whatever kinky junk floats your boat is acceptable once agreed upon, and above the waist.

8. Eliminating other potential hook ups because of relationship with one party is considered cruel and jealous (not unusual).

9. Negative rumors after the fact are disparaging and discouraged. Embarrassing moments are fair game.

10. Ex-sex is permitted, just remember dinner = dating.

Lingering Blog- Back Again

So sorry to those who check this and have been not entertained for the last month. I have made some changes and am about six weeks out of debuting a production of my own. This is much bigger than I thought as it has consumed most of my time and has taken me away from the stand up opportunities. Well that will change soon as well.