Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Another Complex is Born

Well, there is no other way to say it. I have a new found complex. Ok, it has been around a while and it has only recently began to surface. I have horrible teeth. They look alright but I know that my English heritage is looming in the waiting room of any dentist's office. In my opinion they are not as white as they should be. There are reasonable tones of white. I don't think by any means I look like I have tootsie roll stuck in my teeth but I prefer to keep it that way.

It has only been five minutes since I put on my first set of whitening strips. I have swallowed my own saliva but twice. The gel is supposedly ok to digest but like anything from the dental industry it comes with the painful aftertaste that only inspires heaving.

I am drooling now. Really I am. This is rather disgusting, actually it's more pathetic. That's not a big concern for me since I am finding entertainment with how far I can lean forward before I spill all over myself. At this time I would like to remind the ladies out there of my bachelorhood. My apparent celebration from the attention after the Second City show must have been premature. Alas, I still have my hopes for one.

Is it supposed to sting? It has this tingling sensation that makes me think this is over the counter novacain. The side effect of this is exponential mucus production. What the box omitted to say was that once side effect of these whitening strips is saliva thick like a spider web. Sure you're grossed out now just wait until day 14 when I look as dreamy as the rest of fancy lads.

What bothers me the most is that for some reason I am afraid to swallow my own saliva. Lesson learned, although personal preference is to spit and rinse this crap out it is more socially acceptable to swallow the saliva.

Just incase you only read that last paragraph, I was talking about teeth whitening strips not being gay.

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