Friday, December 30, 2005

A Christmas Story

Christmas is back in full effect. Due to the lives of my niece and nephew I am convinced my family single handedly tried to jump start the economy. There were presents stacked three fold. So what do I do? Give them savings bonds. I expect my thank you letter when they can afford one more college book in their freshman year.

I started to feel older finally. Younger people will do that. I do it to my older coworkers and love and so do younger people to me. Sort of a social middle finger to elders.

Dinner at my aunts was only awkward because I finally wasn't at the kid/people who don't know the intricaces of 401k plans table. The best part of the dinner was when my aunt snapped on my grandma and cranked in Readi Whip on her instant coffee because grandma didn't take too well to the flavor crystals of instant coffee. That was the best moment I have witnessed in years at Christmas.

I recommend the Foldgers Latte. Warms the heart and soul.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Naked Women

I am convinced that Heather Graham is one of the most beautiful women that is actually more attractive clothed.

Hillary Duff sure looks like she easily could be Jenna Jameson's younger sister.

Powerful thoughts, I know.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What Concert?

Sorry all, I have been in what the authorities call a car accident. Then to top it off my network has been down for me to write the quality you enjoy reading.

So this past Friday I went to a concert with a couple friends and it was more than memorable. Names are still uncertain in the story as well. After a quick binge at a local bar we hit the venue in time for the headliner. Age showed on our part as we were willing to pay $3 for coat check.

Grabbing a couple more beers we panned the crowd to see what we had gotten into. There was a mix of boppers and clear chaperones. I thought the venue was one of the coolest places I had ever been to but there was a clear problem. We were in the back.

Seats were general admission and plenty of people had locked the place in front of us. Fortunately for us I am 6'5" and was plenty o'drunk. My mentality was a very brash and we deserve it vibe. It worked, since I wrapped it in quick courteousy. I told my friends we should be in the front. Before any discussion I said let's go and we were plowing through the crowd.

Having "a friend up front" is the best story that I thought would take breasts to work. Well, it worked sort of. I was in the clear no one questioned me. My one friend went second and caught a bit of grief. My other friend was third and he caught more elbows and shoving than grief. Some battered more than others we made it. I was five people back from the stage and loving it.

At one point I thought I was the concert. I figured I should be the nimrod to hoist a girl up on my sholders. Now this girl, not frail, nor fat, but she was more than I could bear. I squat down to have her on my shoulders (in a position that sober no one could rise from). As I try to rise, and not spill my beer I fall. Looking to her I rebut "perhaps I am too drunk to handle this."

There is more to this story but the parts I omitted are very much alive. Once caput I will disclose it. Until then, I have one of the best voicemails ever given.

The memories come when friends remind you for the first time.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Stood Up and Loving Every Minute

Last night I was to meet up with the bar fly from two weeks ago after she hit a birthday party for a friend. Alas, she found other opportunities last night and flat out stood me up. Not a problem since I was leaning heavily on the plan of drinking with a friend of mine. However this will add to my reasons of why romance is a fluke to work in your favor. I did enjoy the lessons that she taught me in our brief faux half night stand.

1. I can pick up a girl in a bar, simply sit down talk so that she can't get a word in edgewise so that persistance and desperation summersault over eachother. Then if need be buy a drink for her.
2. The whole ettiquette of not making out in public only pertains to prudes, or people with something called restrain.
3. As easy as they enter, phone numbers can be erased in a cell phone.

Being stood up is great. I see it as a motivation for my next meeting of a woman. First, I will suspect her to be a shady, heartless person. Then I will realize that not all women are like that, and most of the women I base that on were probably on a three month long period. So again, that was my fault. Finally, when all seems to be working out and she stops talking about her family I will let her know of my romantic apprehension. Why? I was stood up recently. Sure that may be a red flag to a girl but most with a common sense of respect will side with the victim- me. Being stood up is the best pity card to play and really allows for us to talk about "what's really important."

Now, that being said I am not so sure any of it will work. See I have this aura to me when out in a bar. I send extra powerful vibes to women that say "I respect your desire for equality. So buy your own drink." I don't like to buy women drinks at bars. Homeless people will chat longer for half as much and at least with them you can already smell the disease they carry.

There are so many ways to find a woman attractive. I remember when I was with the aforementioned gal that night. Shortly after one of the pda's I stopped her passionately, looked her in the eyes and said "wait." She asked why and I looked at her feet. "I don't know if you're aware but the pointier a girl's shoes are the more high maintanence you are." She froze. "Thank God you are wearing round shoes." That is a theory I hold to be in route to being social law.

Fortunately for me I am coming into my own. I know that if I am going to a trendy bar or even a club it is because single women I am going with are wanting to go there and meet new guys. I am alright with the understanding that I am bar ugly. The odds that a girl leaves her place on the prowl for a guy that is pale and lanky with freckles too is absurd. That is why I am proclaiming myself to be house party hot. Give me a few beers, some three month old rap song and five minutes and I will have you somehow captivated. Chances are you are either engaged or dating but you still have that one girlfriend that needs to be dating before she is fully accepted into your circle.

Where is she? Over by the chips and salsa? Jackpot.