Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Another Reason to Hate Ford

Last night I learned the cost of procrastination. I had to dig out the car that was not moved at all during the first big storm of the year. What makes this even better was the car was parked at the corner of two one way streets. No other car was given the Han Solo treatment. Not only was digging out bad, I had to dig under the car too.

That being said we were able to move the car and it was about 60% out of the space. Clearly indicating that it's stuck and we are at the mercy of the creepy shovel crushing I used to free the car from ice. Enter some D.B. driving his Ford sedan. He starts to turn the corner like to come down the road. Hello, we are at the corner. Sitting there for five or so minutes, we waived him off and what does he do? Asks us to move the car back into the spot that was a curbside coffin.

This dude floors it to go around the block and back down the street so he doesn't need to walk his cheap ass more than a block. After two hours of shoveling, it's good to know that those who go an extra mile may not do it out of generosity but for a mere confirmation that socially they are worthless.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Holy Crap! A new post...here comes the storm

Wow, so taking about eight months off really allows for me to be ready to write. Where are we now? One of my favorite times, start of winter.

There is something to be said about the start of winter in the midwest. For some it's a time blend their inability of portion control with their insisting on turtle necks being slimming. I like that this time every year on the eve of the big storm we get all crazy. McCarthy would be proud of the weather channel and it's subsidiaries.

I wish we could have the short term memory we do for weather for the economy. No way! It snows a lot in December? Next you're going to tell me that in April it rains like a mother. It's swell that we can talk about the weather. I like how vanilla people are when it comes to the weather. If you care about the weather and have no harvest or parade planned, shut your mouth.

Monday, April 28, 2008

End of the Road

Ok, so I should have posted a while ago. Too much is going on and I do apologize. The tour was great. I have come to the following conclusions as I have let the memories settle.

1. There's a good chance I looked like a moron with what I wore in college.
2. East coast prep school kids have it tough too, after all they had peel and eat shrimp on their buffet for Thursdays only.
3. NYC is a dump, full of culture, 2nd rate pizza, and no garbage cans.
4. It's not hard to loose weight when you eat one full meal a day and it comes from a school cafeteria.
5. Single sex schools are a breeding ground for the highest amount of homo-phobic heckling.
6. Dale Ernhardt is the JFK of the south.
7. Grown men can go into Chocolate world (Hershey PA) as long as they keep mentioning their niece and nephews' need for candy.
8. When the phrase "motor lodge" is in your amenities don't expect a continental breakfast.
9. Street fights in Boston are best on St. Patrick's Day.
10. Based on their overall disdain for life the position at the US border with Canada must be a demotion.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Billy Joel is a Liar

The past week has been full of great shows and no internet to document it. So as I write you all there are only two shows left on this epic voyage of laughs. This whole week we are in the Philly area and that is great so I can get ready for the international haul pending.

We are visiting the town of Allentown. Like the Billy Joel song but apparently he didn't expect people to visit. We pulled into town and there is an amusement park with water slides! How can this place be percieved as dreary? It makes no sense.

Today I was treated to Chik-filet for the first time in my life. It was ok nothing over the top insane like Arby's. The past week or so I have forgone on all deep fried food and recently I have eliminated carbonated beverages except red bull and beer. Really is there a need for any other?

Yesterday I unpacked at the hotel and finally had my first casaulty of the road. My shampoo bottle opened while in my bag. Fortunately a few years ago my dad gave me a bag for that stuff so only my bathroom stuff was slimed by V05. (yes, I bathe with the legacy of 1980s volumizing and body.)

When we eat we tend to take what is given from the schools to cut our cost. Over time of the tour I have fallen out of touch with my common dietary items (never pizza though). I went about two weeks without a beer and upon the first couple of swigs while falling off the unintentional wagon; it burned going down. Yet it satisfied like always. I felt like the plant left on the windowsill during a trip and someone finally came to water me.

What may even be stranger is how I have drank less milk than ever. Lately when I get a glass of milk it quenches like no other, ok maybe beer or other fine beverages.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Civil War v 2.0

Last two shows were great. Penn State Mont Alto was first and we did well there and the crowd was into the show. Unlike the UNC campuses, the Penn State ones are all Nittnay Lions not just the main campus.

Earlier it should be noted that while we picked Joe up from his illustrious commercial shoot back home, Ryan went through and drove. He was joking around with the toll booth person and then went to the far left like she mentioned and well, the far left was the lane for oncoming traffic on the highway. We weren't sure at first but when a semi-truck passed us going the same way on the other side of the median, we knew we were in trouble. Add the rain to it too.

Prior to that (sorry for reverse chronology) Ryan and I went to Hershey PA, and Chocolate World. AKA the best place in the world. I bought the best shake there ever.

We then stopped in Gettysburg for a tick. I have been there a couple times since my mom is nuts about that stuff. Ryan was animate getting into a scuffle with us so he could say we all fought in Gettysburg. His joke. Great historical humor.

Then we drove to Amish town and had a killer buffet done wholesome. Amish postcards are the best thus far. Sorry to say only 2 will be sent out.

Last night we performed at the school formerly known as Beaver College. It appears that all the knobs left campus once they changed names about 5 years ago. The show went well and we were interviewed after the show by the campus paper (surely an assignment). That was a great moment as well. It's always cool to get those little moments of support. The Napoleon hit well again with post show applause and I appreciate all those kind words.

It has come to my attention that I will probably never be able to cut my hair again.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

New York City in 6 hours

We were in NYC on Sunday and did a photo scavenger hunt. The following is what we looked for and we only missed 2 of the 30.

1. Carnagie Hall
2. Times Square
3. Central Park
4. Rockefeller Square
5. Ground Zero
6. The Met
7. Statue of Liberty
8. Hello Deli - Rupert's from the Letterman show
9. Tom's Restaurant - Seinfeld's Monk's
10. Empire State Building

1. Joe look alike
2. Rupert
3. Ryan w/ a woman in leopard print
4. Someone in shorts
5. hot dog vendor
6. huge cowboy hat
7. transvestite
8. Cop on a horse - not found
9. most obnoxious boots
10. celebrity look alike

1. Directing traffic - one of us
2. a fight
3. PDA
4. garbage picking
5. vomiting - not found
6. protesting
7. feeding birds
8. hooking
9. filming
10. playing an instrument

Monday, March 03, 2008

Future Skulls, Hecklers, and Fitness Flavored 'Tussin

Alrighty. The past two shows were more memorable than imagined. We went to another prep school in Mass. and it was nuts. They had old colonial buildings for dorms, a master headsman/keeper of the covenant as well. This place was again so high end it was unbelievable. It all boils down to me through their menu. Fried calamari (yuck), chicken wings (that were huge. some hgh fore sure), and flavors of ice cream that would take them back to when they were six and driving the power wheel Hummers. Ginger, green tea, and hazelnut were a few of the hits that will be making it to 31 flavors once they change demographics.

The show went well, the kids were really into it. It's always funny to see what a prep school is like. I don't think I could handle it. Whenever I am on the road driving to remote campuses I always ask myself one question, "who delivers their pizza?"

Saturday we were in NY and the show went really well and we had some rowdy folks join us too. While we played some improv games where we asked for audience suggestions one heckler decided to ask us to more or less show some anatomy. This of course provided the audience with some concern, would we say something? For sure, I did. I without missing a beat apologized to the crowd and further explained that his request was just since after all it was Saturday night and he does probably lead a lonely life. They loved it. They tried to say something again and I replied with another line to point out who the professional was in the crowd. They left fittingly.

That show took a lot out of me and at the end I was able to get a drink from the pub on campus and I reached for the new G2 from Gatorade. Horrible. It really smells like a diluted Robotussin that supposedly helps the body re-energize.

I have yet to be able to wake up in enough time to partake in the beauty of the complimentary waffle iron at the hotels. One would think if they are nice enough to have a waffle iron they would be nice enough to just deliver me a waffle to my room. I only need one, butter and syrup of course though.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Perfect Timing

Today I wake up in New Hampshire. The weather man predicted about one inch of snow and I am certain we got almost five. It was great except when we tried to leave the show and had to turn around on a hill before we slid back down.

Good show last night, my timing was very much on according to the guys and some new material hit even with a smaller crowd. After one improv segment I do that is more creepy/akward funny this woman hugged me instead of laughing. That alone was good enough for me. Our host there instead of t-shirts gave us fleece vests made by Columbia. Freaking sweet.

The rest of the week we have shows. Fortunately they are all within an hour of eachother more or less. Yesterday we were able to take Dunkin Donuts up on their discounted coffee offer and tomorrow hopefully as well for McD's. This isn't breaking news but we try our best to avoid wasting money on frivolous items as food so we can visit the disount dvd bin at whatever retail store we stop into look around.

Our hotel is right outside the baseball stadium for a minor league team. Right outside. My window looks onto right center field. It's a shame it's not spring right now.

I should go shower up now. I am in the hotel business center and well I am the only one that portrays and literally did just roll out of bed to get to this computer.

Good morning to all.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Calm Before the Storm...of Laughs

I awake in Baltimore on the courtesy couch of Joe's friends. This tour is great for bringing out the kindness people have and reiterating the network and support you have been told exists but never test.

We will take it easy in Baltimore, avoiding the rival gangs and under performing sports teams. Last night with the Oscars we bet. However we bet that if we lost a category we'd have to say something embarrassing in public. I am up on three sayings.

After today we will be heading further north all the way to New Hampshire. Then we will have shows through Saturday. I actually hear that the university that we are going to visit has a rule against wearing flip flops on campus. I find this very strange that the students agree to this being that the state motto of New Hampshire is "live free or die."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I Gave at the Field House

This morning we did a show at 7:00am. Let me repeat that 7:00am. No typo. Now it was for a great cause at the university but wow waking up at 4:45am on a Saturday made me feel a bit too Amish.

The show went well and then I napped a bit before hanging out at the nearby Pilot truck stop while calling my roommate back home. I think truck stops need to have more seats. You figure you have so many people that are locked away from communication the majority of their day. They come together at the coffee pot and can finally put a face with the call name from the c.b. Or maybe not.

Upon leaving the stop with a new memo pad and a couple new dvds of stand up performances (Jim Gaffigan for $10 is almost robery) I did something I knew was coming. I fell down the hill while talking on my cell phone. Almost as embarrassing as hitting a parked car with my bike (true) this was only slightly damaging to me since it only confirmed my pending need to do laundry immediately.

I did get to go to the hotel pool and new material derived from that. Then I returned to actually swim and well it was more of a Roman bath than a pool. The kicker was that it was such a small closed room that since they recently painted the heating ducts the aroma of chlorine was forged with drying paint. It's a shame esbestos wasn't available during construction.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Redbull witout Vodka?

Last night our show went really well. I happened to actually use a redbull for preshow instead of driving and it worked wonderfully. It was wierd. I was somewhat reiling from buscuits and gravy the day before and I needed to combat that intestinal horror with no other solution but a burrito. I can't help it people, sometimes as they say; fight fire with fire.

I was pleased overall with the show. Great venue, crowd, the material hit, and even the riffing with the audience. I'd like to think that this could be an ideal venue for us but there are more to do so we shall see.

Downtown Asheville NC is amazing. Apparently similar to Ann Arbor Michigan but without the floundering sports program. There is one flaw to the city. It is the one that the quant ones across America all have. The round-about. As individuals we all (yes all, deep down you can admit it) love to act with a British accent. So why not have a foolish icon of British transportation systems? Simple, it's a geometric yield sign. No one can remember the rules of right of way and either accidents or akward pauses are imminent.

I went to a "chicago hot dog" place today. It's always nice to be an unofficial auditor of the food. When someone claims that they know your world, you need not a certificate of authenticity, just the chip on your sholder will do. I eat hot dogs in a very unchicago manner. Plain. Seriously I do. Here they were serving Chicago style with pulled pork on top. Apparently they ran out of Wesson oil to dip it in.

We left town in hopes to drive up to the Biltmore estate. Those unaware, it's a huge mansion in the south, supposedly the oldest something or other and we should all be impressed. Well, it's impressive in the pamphlet. They charge $50 to go on tour to the house. Excuse me the White House is free and you want me to pay to walk through a house I can't sit in? No financially sound nor worth our effort.

Instead we stopped on the side of the highway in efforts to see if we could interest a wild goat in some donuts. The sight of me running scared the goat away. I have to work on my agility.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Country Roads

Yesterday was another banner day for road tripping. We stopped in PA to eat at the best place for BBQ out there. Hog Father was amazing. Hands down the best beef brisket sammich out there. The owner, Frank, was so nice he gave us a huge piece of carrot cake for free and drinks to boot. Note: free food is always a plus while on the road. Transfer of costs.

We then drove over to Joe's uncle's place. It was in the Appalacian Mountains. Way in the mountains. We arrived in the dark to get into their house after looking at the running creek and moonlit terrain. What should be noted on the terrain is the #3 rock on the creek. No this rock was not in the shape of the number 3. It was painted with a #3 in honor of who else? Dale Ernhardt.

As we tried to sleep actually before midnight, their dog that resembled Baxter from Anchorman, slept at my toes and cleaned herself for what seemed to be a world record. There is something to be said about getting slap happy but when you know that the sound of a disheveled dog cleaning it's special regions as though there was a hole jar of JIF involved. At what could have been the climax for this pooch, Ryan says "I think we should keep on driving." Also, the wood-burning stove lost it's charm at about 4:30am when the flames went out and well, I realized I wasn't a pilgrim.

The next morning I was privy to a country special. Authentic biscuits and gravy were served with pork chops. It was freaking amazing. Never could I have really understood why people have steak and eggs or pork chops with their breakfast. I now know. I then proceeded to put homemade CT strawberry jam on a biscuit and it was great. This really isn't a food column but the food in the past day has been phenomenal.

It was truly one of the best meals and stays I had on this trip. Lesson be learned, enjoy what you do... you only get one go around; which the government will tax the living daylights from you.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Difference of a Day

I found myself hanging out in rural CT and it was a blast. Never before could I have so much fun simply hanging out. Our hotel was definitely an interesting one. Upon entering the room/motel we were hit in the face with a backdraft of menthol cigarette vapors.

During my sleep after the show (which went very well) I rolled over to the other pillow on the bed. As I inhaled, it was about as closed to taking a drag from the cigarette as possible. It actually woke me up.

The next day we went into town and bought homemade applesauce and strawberry jam. It was quiet possibly the nicest town I have ever traveled. At one point I was waiting for some romcom star like Hugh Grant or Kate Hudson to pop out and ask if I knew what the weather was to be like.

While walking to the car we met the friendliest senior citizen. She just called out to us "do you have a shovel?" Joe followed with "I'm sorry we don't. Do you need us to shovel something for you." She said " I almost broke my neck walking on that snow there." I looked over and it was a sheet of ice. "Well let us know if you'll be long in the store and then we can carry you to your car." Joe said. "Oh, I don't want to be a burden." The woman explained. I justified with "no worries, we carry Ryan around all the time and you two are pretty much the same size."

Ryan doesn't like to be compared physically to elderly women. Just an fyi.

Later that day we checked in at a Sheraton and they have the worlds best beds ever. I slept for about ten hours. The only downside to that hotel was the league of travel pee wee hockey players running around turning the luxury hotel into the greatest venue for hotel tag. Too bad we are all about 20 years too old for that.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Day 1: Border Patrol aren't allowed to smile

In the past 12 hours I have been on the road. I woke up in Ryan's (one of the other comics) sister's house. Anytime I can get a bed I will consider it a successful night. We drove into Canada no problem. Who'd of thought their boarder patrol could be lax?

While in Canadia I didn't see any landmarks such as hockey players, syrup, or mountees. Stopping in Subway was a landmark disappointment. There was a couple apparently going in for a v-day luncheon. Ohh not to judge but subway may probably be a litmus test for how much he really cares. This girl at one point mentioned to her boy that he needed to buy her a drink too. Moments like this make me realize how women may not be high maintenance but actually just perpetuating the take it where you can get it methodology.

We pulled up to the US border and we again found a woman that apparently was not pleased with the collection of life choices she made. This border person barked at us to pretty much do anything she could with our passports. She quizzed us on where we are from like we would crumble under her authoritative tone. We all come from really mundane suburbs so it's not hard to forget that. At one point she was so drunk off her velcro badge when she asked "what's all in the van?" Joe said "t- shirts." I bit my tongue with laughter as I really wanted to cry out that we had something more exotic like migrant workers or a dead hooker...in one of the tour t-shirts.

Gotta run. More posting to come.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Book it!

It has come to my attention that I often times can benefit from an incentive program. About four years ago I began to read the book Catch 22. In fact that began when I was in the midst of Second City. Well the long and short of it is that in about three years or so I read just over a hundred pages. Until about a month ago I was bet to read this book before I go on tour. Was it possible to read over 350 pages in less than a month.

For sure. I was bet the pizza dinner of my choice. That may not be much to you folks but I come from a time where literacy was bribed with greasy suburban deliciousness. Book it and Pizza Hut were a part of my life for a long time. Getting into junior highschool was a sad day when I was informed the educational system now expected me to read instead of exchanging one book for one personal sized pizza.

Isn't that sad? Even in adulthood there is some form of Book It. Whenever you work or went to school the first bit of success was rewarded like you just remembered that you weren't wearing diapers? No matter where we are in life someone thinks that when we meet our expectations pizza is the way to acknowledge it. I love it when the bosses drop some pizza on the office for helping them beat the numbers. I wonder though, what do the brass of Pizza Hut do when they hit their numbers?

On a completely unrelated note, I bought a pre-viewed copy of Rocky Balboa for $4. This is an American tragedy.