Thursday, November 07, 2013

NACA Mid America 2013

I am very excited to be part of NACA Mid America this year. What I am even more proud of is that I am the only self represented comedian that was selected to showcase. I'll be performing a 15 minute set at 9p Friday, November 8th. Come on by booth 516 (I believe).

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

SUV Driver Successfully Climbs "Bump in the Road"

Chicago, IL- Never before has the thought entered the mind of SUV drivers in America. Veteran SUV driver, Mike Maxwell took the lead by driving his standard issue SUV through a residential construction zone. The good people in orange gave Mike and his fellow motorists the heads up of a "Bump Ahead." 
As Mike expected, the German engineered luxury SUV ahead of him slowed nearly to a complete stop as they approached the treacherous 1.5 inch climb. "I suppose if I was a finely tuned German suspension, I'd like someone to cut me a little slack too." Mike said as he flipped through all his radio presets.

Once Maxwell had the space to move, he did what no other SUV owner has ever done while approaching uneven pavement. He hit the gas pedal, with relative force. Not teenage jackass cruising force, just I gotta get this pizza home warm force. 
Mike associates his grace under fire with such unique road conditions to his seven MarioKart Star Cup Championships.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Chicago Cubs Promotion of the film ‘Se7en’ Comes Full Circle

Chicago, IL:  The 2013 baseball season is just a few weeks old but what is being confirmed as an epic tribute to director David Fincher’s ‘Seven.’ This week Chicago Cub fans were treated to the story that Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was delivered a box with a goat’s head inside.  Although Ricketts has made no official comment on this gesture rumored to be done by a crazed Cubs fan, it is well known that Theo Epstein is a huge fan of the 1995 Brad Pitt movie.

  Chicago Police have confirmed that indeed this goat head in a box is more of a cinematic tribute than another pathetic attempt of a Cubs fan to deny the fact they are willingly supporting a perpetually failing organization.  There have been accounts of the other seven deadly sins in and around Wrigley Field since the 1995 release of the dynamic Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman masterpiece. 

           October 1996: Gluttony- Chicago Cubs fans poured into Wrigley Field to watch the legendary play of Sandberg, Grace & Turk Wendell.  Northwestern Memorial Hospital attributes the 37% spike in diabetes to their patients purely on the record sales of Old Style beer & Champs Malt Cups sold at the stadium. 

Spring 1998: Greed- Sammy Sosa took it on himself to bulk up and chase the all-time home run record once held by a legitimate baseball player, Roger Maris. Sosa denies any steroid use during the ’98 season but equipment records show his batting helmet went from a size ‘large’ in ’97 to a size ‘egomaniacal’ in ’98.

October 1998: Sloth- Thousands of Chicago Cubs fans feared any change to their appearance after the team clinched a playoff spot would curse their team & consequentially continue the nearly century long drought of accomplishing anything. Wrigleyville, a community that prides itself on pretty little faces, was plagued with men & women who refused to wear clean clothes or shave for weeks. A dark, funky time in Chicago history.

Spring 2003: Lust- Cubs management created a starting pitching roster that boasted Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, & Matt Clement.  Fans drunk off an actual winning season were swooning for the pitchers, even the portly and mentally unstable Zambrano. 

October 2003: Pride- In what turned out to be a pivotal moment in Chicago Cubs franchise history, their outfielder who prides himself on urinating on his hands, Moises Alou, botches an attempt to catch a foul ball as it goes out of play. Immediately Moises blames a fan that also went for the ball. To this day, Alou is publicly satisfied that it was not him that had to move out of state and change his name and quit his job.

April 2013 Envy & Wrath: After laying low for nearly a decade, Theo Epstein hires someone to deliver a box to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.  Upon opening the box, Ricketts recoils in horror from what he sees inside the box.  Epstein admitted to Tom Ricketts that he was guilty of envy. Theo had become jealous of the goat’s simpler life.  Epstein admitted he tried to “play along” with the curse but it didn’t work out so he took a souvenir instead “his pretty head.” It was Theo Epstein’s plan all along to kill the Cubs franchise.  Tom Ricketts is so devastated he signs the official documents moving the Cubs to Rosemont Illinois. In killing all that is Wrigleyville, Tom Ricketts comes to embody the sin of wrath. 

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Monday, April 08, 2013

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Flying Popeshank Redemption

I wish I could tell you that the Flying Popes fought the good fight, and How I Set Your Mother let them be. I wish I could tell that  - but recreational volleyball is no fairy-tale world. They never said who did the beatings, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - rec. volleyball life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, the Flying Popes would show up with a few fresh bruises on their egos. How I Set Your Mother kept at them - sometimes they were able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for the Flying Popes - that was their routine. I do believe those first five weeks were the worst for them, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this rec. league would have got the best of them.

As we sit, waiting for a shot for proving our growth and abilities to the fine administration of Players Sports Group, I can only imagine a regular season exit interview...

PSG:Flying Popes Volleyball, your file says you've played out twenty four games of a seven week regular season. Do you feel you've been competitive?

Flying Popes: Competitive? Well, now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.

PSG: Well it means that you are inclined or desiring to succeed over all others...

Flying Popes:  I know what *you* think it means sonny. To me it's just a made up word. A commissioner's word so young fellas like you can wear stripes and whistle, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for how we played?

PSG: Well, are you?

Flying Popes: There's not a day that goes by I don't feel regret. Not because we're in the bottom of the standings, or because you think we should. I look back on the way we were then: a young stupid team who committed those terrible unforced errors.  I want to talk to them. I want to try and talk some sense to them, tell them the way things are. But I can't. That young team's long gone and this thirty something is all that's left. We got to live with that. Competitive? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and fill out your playoff bracket, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.


I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a recreational champion can feel, a recreational champion at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the gymnasium. I hope to see my dad and shake his hand. I hope the banner is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Week 3: Flying Popes' Silver Linings Playbook

We are three weeks into a title defense and the Flying Popes appear to be hung over. The only other collection of highly skilled athletes that seem to be on such different pages are the Los Angeles Lakers. Losing two of three tonight to "How We Set Your Mother" was extra painful as a team chose to be more pun-laden than the actual CBS sitcom itself. Salt, meet the open wound.

Simple unforced errors can attribute to this early season slide. Why really are the Flying Popes unable to pull it together? Pressure to deliver again? Aside from the Popes championship last year, it had been two years since Chicagoans we treated to such a rise to glory. Maybe it's because the court in our peripheral, Team Juicy, were too much a distraction (pure speculation). I'm not sure if they're called Team Juicy but if every woman on your team is in yoga pants or actual volleyball shorts, odds are Team Juicy should be your name. Our season is at a point where we may need to channel our inner Val Kilmer, Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards. It sure could help pair with the Kenny Loggins stuck in my head.

Taking stock on the evening (it's nearly midnight I am still thinking of this game!) I must say at least I didn't lose my cool and further my attempt to publicly impersonate myself at the age of six. That's progress right? Recently watching Silver Linings Playbook makes me wonder if the Flying Popes plan to get our season back needs to be hit head on with an equally crazy idea, like a grown man drawing parallels between his struggling recreational volleyball team and an acclaimed story of lost man intent on getting his life back together no matter what it takes.

Who knows, maybe next week we should all play in trash bags!? (side note, thank you God, for not having Tom Petty's Free Fallin'  on the soundtrack.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Flying Popes Week 2: The Promise

Last night the Flying Popes took to the hardwood once again in the early season. The roster is still coming together, as it is likely no other recreational volleyball team in Chicago has experienced this many early season injuries due to hyper extended day job responsibilities. The Popes pressed on.

Week 2 was a familiar match up against the Wasabi Shockers who apparently have a roster deeper than an average elementary school classroom. Games 1 & 2 were super close but both fell to Wasabi. Highlights from the match include Vinnie potentially earning his Flying Pope call sign as "Jazz Hands." Clearly we don't try to over intimidate.  I also had a season high, for on court pissiness. As a 31 year old man, I made it clear to my teammates that as expected, a man-child is in fact a shell of maturity. Perhaps, seeing that we're playing in a church gym, we could get a priest to attend so I can schedule post-game confession regularly.

It's easy to point fingers in a loss. Frankly, I wasn't wearing the appropriate shirt I normally play volleyball in so someone has to tell m'lady that although she got my sweatband through the laundry, the shirt is part of the uniform. Let's not make her feel bad though, she's an avid/obligated Flying Popes fan.

To my team, and Flying Pope Nation I give you this....

To the fans and everyone in Flying Popes Nation, I'm sorry. 
I'm extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season,
that was my goal, something
The Flying Popes have never done here.

I promise you one thing. A lot
of good will come out of this.
You will never see any player in
the entire rec league play as hard
as I will the rest of the 
season. You will never see
someone push the rest of the
team as hard as I will push 
everybody the rest of the season

You will never see a team 
play harder than we will 
the rest of the season.

God Bless.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Flying Popes 2013 Season Preview

Flying Popes 2012 Players Sports 6 Coed Volleyball Champs
Chicago doesn't get the chance to celebrate champions the past few years (or hundred for some yahoos). While most our pro teams play like they're in a rec league, Flying Popes are the rec team that has pro swagger to it. Let's be honest, who doesn't take a team more serious when they step out on the court with red, white and blue sweat bands?

Above is the photo after the 3 seed ran the table and cut down the net (no we didn't PlayersSports, we don't want a fine) last season. Now what? What do the Flying Popes do to keep their focus and not stare up at the rafters of St. Andrew's Church? I'd like to believe budget cuts is the main reason why the Flying Popes Championship banner is still not hanging up. I digress.

The bands are back on our heads creating the minimal intimidation and distraction we planned on. The Flying Popes roster is impressive once again. In the era of rec-league free agency, anything can happen once the season is done. People move, get a dog, or lose the drive to be a top tier athletic specimen, recreationally speaking. Flying Popes return all members of the 2012 title team with the addition/return of the wild card Vincente Lacey. I had to change his name a little because of all his tv commercials, we don't need this season to require security Beiber style. Little does most of Chicago know, but Lacey was integral in the roster creation of the 2012 team.

Having Vinnie on the court is like if Jerry Krause wanted to lace up with Jordan, Pippen, and Rodman.

Week 1 saw a Flying Popes match victory, winning 2-1. As, Alabama football coach Nick Saban says, there's no talk of repeat. Each season is it's own, full of it's own challenges and goals. It's going to take a lot of effort and teamwork, good thing we're wearing those cool sweatbands.