Thursday, October 07, 2004

Watch What You Eat

First things first, I apologize for the brief sabatical taken this week. I pushed the wrong button on the mac and turned off the internet.

When choosing our diet we are given many options that prove to us who is in it for the long haul and who is in it for the duration of reality show fame. If there were to be a reality show based on my diet it would have to be called "Will he make it to 30?"

Dieting is similar to dating. Just about all of us claim to want the best thing possible, meanwhile we are scarfing Cheetos and chugging root beer. Sure a stable relationship is a balanced meal but does it hold to the picante low riding thong showing of a one pound burrito? Pass the rolaids my comrad because heartburn is just the first of many irreversible outbreaks.

Many people like to partake in a li'l Taco Bell. Granted they are stoned or drunk, but sometimes a sober person is in the mood for some "authentic" Mexican cuisine. It's not hard for Taco Bell to look authentic, let's face it the hispanic community makes over 80% of the fast food in America, it is a mere coincidence that this case is a taco stand.

Take a look at the advertising campaign of Taco Bell. Spice up the night. When a restraunt admits that no one in there right mind would eat their food while the sun is shining you should be suspicious. Having a sophomore understanding of the Spanish language will let you know that all the cool Spanish names are just cool because people are ignorant to what the words mean.

For example, everyone's favorite word- salsa. Salsa is Spanish for sauce, ok? Not any type of sauce in particular just sauce. That is as bad as the generic pop called "orange drink." Also, Taco Bell has a very popular entre (if that is the proper name) the Gordita. Now let me break this down for you. Typically, when there is an "ita" or "ito" at the end of a word it means little. The root is gorda, when combined with the "ita" translates into "little fat one." Now that the knowledge is passed, who wants to go get a couple little fatties? Don't forget, you are what you eat. Ummm nummy!

If we can learn anything from our food is that whatever is written on the label is true and as significant as the stone tablets. We will consider believing anything written over spoken word. Case and point, at church the priest speaks of seeing Jesus all around eachother and people shrug that off. However in the check out line when the tabloid reads "woman finds Jesus in her tortilla" most think "really? no way!"

In the quest to sleep longer and rush to work so we have something to hate, we grab insta-breakfast-shakes-gurt-wiches. If breakfast was really the most important meal of the day why do we allow for crap like Cookie Crisp? It is not a bi-polar cereal like Frosted Mini Wheats (tease). This is blatant, it might as well say that "best enjoyed with Mountain Dew."

There are cereal bars now for those busy folks that can't manage waking an extra seven minutes to whip up a bowl of Wheaties (tragically, even being the breakfast of Champions is not as good as the dehydrated marshmellow.). The bars of cereal are advertised cereal bar with milk. It is on the end of an aisle. Last time I left milk out for a week I had cottage cheese.

I have seen and eaten a bar like this (no I did not buy it, someone gave it to me) and the aforementioned milk was a bit thick. In fact it was eerie how thick it became after mixing with the four cups of sugar found in that cereal. This milk sure looked, felt, smelled, and tasted like bad cake frosting. Just when we thought the east coast west coast baking battles were over Betty Crocker invades to spit in the face of Aunt Jamima.

Whether eating chili cheese dip every Sunday until the Super Bowl, or jumping through hoops to make your love muffin always happy; chances are a heart attack will be waiting for you.

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