Sunday, February 06, 2005


There may be some people that read this and are not apart of the fine midwestern mediocrity that I so am use to. It has come to my attention that the tollway system in this fine state has doubled its tolls for non-I-Pass users. That will hurt who? Just Mr. & Mrs. Tommy Tourist. Welcome to Illinois now pay double than what we do. I have been to all borders of Illinois and by the sight alone it is not worth $2 to enter this state. However, in many cases it is not the fee of entering Illinois it is the rate of rescue from Indiana, Wisconsin, Iowa, or Missouri.

Prior to my purchase of the I-Pass I was a change tossing mofo. Recent testimony has proven that I have fo'd up five times. What the state does for tollway violators is they wait until the fifth violation to notify and summon fees to be paid. Be careful, IL can pull you into court for violations that date back in 2002. Mine were all in a matter of a couple weeks. Efficiency is my forte.

I used to think that I could do the whole lawyer thing. Nope. I am wrong. When one's defense is built upon the profound statement of "the law is just illogical" it tends to be an uphill climb. Plus the beauty of the system is that as long as a crazy law is in place you must abide by it, and then challenge to have it ammended. I don't have to time to urinate away on the steps of legislative clout. I fear the dark side of the far right trying to infect my mind and tempt me with trickle down economics.

Now back to the case at hand. While defending myself, my voice cracked at least three times, completely negating the blue pinstripe suit I was wearing. The tollway rep had a gap between her two front teeth that I could illegally park a Cadallac between. It bothered me, so I figured to note.

The hearing officer was merciless toward me, mainly since the military yahoo before me pretty much sweared to her face. It's like not being able to go out because your sister or brother messed up at school. Trickle down judicial rulings. My defense seemed so logical and solid that I should have known of my iminent robbing. I will never forget (barring Alzheimers) the look on the officer's face when I concluded. "Is that- your defense?" I might as well got a GED and saved thousands of dollars and hours of work.

My fines were not overturned, not a single one. Each toll violation is acompanied by a $20 fine. My final cost was $101.85. To make sure I felt the fullest level of spite for my governmental process, the hearing officer ruled that I must pay my bill and "Good Luck." Apparently I have been chosen to leave middle Earth to find the lost bit of decency from my state.

I then took my rage out on my mom during a peak time cell call, while driving with one hand and hitting every strategically placed pot hole on my way to the wrong on ramp for the tollway. Thank you Illinois, I thought I was supposed to be first jaded by government when my social security kicked in, you've educated me more than life itself. If at all possible, please raise property taxes too, wherever I move to.

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