Monday, August 30, 2004

Top 10 Fall Fashion Questions Finally Answered

Summer is pretty much over so that means that people will need to do more than show skin to get attention during Fall. The fashion Nazis from the Gap (Hitler wore Khakis too have already launched Lenny and Sarah at us showing which pattern of stripes is in this fall. Well that alone helps many lost souls; but there are some more questions to be answered.

1. Can whites wear dew rags? - Well after seeing Vinny Testeverde wearing one on ESPN, no. First of all, what happened to a sweat band? It works for a NBA players. When a physically strong man says "where is my dew rag?" it just seems that it should be said with a lisp. Typically when a culture takes something from another they look stupid and ackward. However in this case the concept of wearing a tailored panty hose on your head makes you look like a nimrod- no matter the color of skin.

2. Would the boy scout uniform be best worn by lesbians? - Olive green knee high socks and scarfs. That is not a tough call. Yes. Only America's largest organized group of parental homophobes would dress their sons like a lilith fair patron.

3. What percentage of black women can actually pull off wearing a wig? - After watching the MTV video music awards and seeing Alicia Keys in a wig I have decided. 1%. Wearing a wig when you already have hair just screams identity crisis. Soul food good, black booty as well good, wigs or hair extentions from a pony rarely good.

4. Will white women ever learn that they are not Sarah Jessica Parker? - No. I was certainly hoping so but after the latest Gap ad, the dilusion will continue for another six months. Now TBS has her on tv constantly for those who are to cheap to get HBO or rent a dvd. As college is just a memory women need a new cool roommate that they can borrow all of her clothes. Enter SJP. I guess the fashion groundhog has just let us know that stelletos and jeans are still in, as long as you have a hit tv show, in syndication.

5. Would we still tatoo amd pierce ourselves even if there were not sororities? - No. The tattoo and piercing industry has a silent partnership with sororities. How would these young girls feel sexy and most importantly uniformily independent? Highlights and tanning booths just would not cut it. In most piercing cases, they are removed by graduation or removed before the fifth year since the fifth year tends to be a light workload that translates into marooning onto the futon eating Pringles by the tube.

6. If Fashion is cyclical why have in my lifetime I have seen the 60's fashion of bell bottoms three times and yet to have witnessed a braless social movement once? - If the girls think that a seven inch deep v-neck is liberating they really should acknowledge the oppression by males represented by a $30 satin push up bra. Victoria's secret, women don't need her stuff. There is nothing more attractive than a woman that you clearly can tell is not wearing a bra. Plus this way a guy will never have to ask if a girl needs cuddling, they will know before she does.

7. What happened to valeur jumpsuits? - They were made uncool by lawyers' wives. It is hard to maintain street cred when Cyndi has the same jumpsuit that says Gucci on the butt. Fear not I hear twead is the new valeur.

8. Pants or skirt? Why not both? - Look ladies, flat out honesty. You ALL look like idiots with a dress or skirt over a pair of pants. Actually you look like a lamp when you wear that outfit. This fashion trend just shows how afraid women are of making a decision that holds minimal effect to their life. "Where do you want to go out to eat?" "I don't know where do you want to go?

9. Can anything replace the power tie? - Never. The power tie is the best thing the Republican Party has given the U.S.A.

10. Will there ever be a more versitile color than black? - I am sorry to say no. If you are some of the shopoholics that bought the silly lie that both pink and green are in fashion at the same time, well then - sucker, party of one your table is ready. Look, black is the only color that is worn by 14 year olds to be individuals and then can be worn by 30 year olds to appear classy.

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