So Like I was totally at the mall today

"The Mall." The Cocomo of the cheerleader and disposable income. I was there today. Perhaps I should clear up which fine and dandy mall it was. Oak Brook Mall, which happens to be the finest outdoor mall in the tri-state area. I say tri-state because that sounds cooler than DuPage County. All the stores there are very expensive. Oak Brook is the land of lawyers and reallocated child support. I guess since they are all high class stores it vetoes the typical term for an outside mall, strip mall.

So much happened in my hour plus visit at the mall. First of all my stepbrother Craig is back in town from his patriotic stint with the National Guard. Craig has all his piercings in (more than 8 in both ears) and has of course combat boots to match. I am wearing the same pair of shorts I always wear until I spill something on them and a shirt that in English means "Oh F@$%! it's hot!" Everyone else, polos and capris or mini skirt.

Side-note: I love the mini skirt. Nothing puts my world at peace like a size 6 (I guess) shimmying a nice white mini skirt/lampshade. I have not been such a fan of women's fashion since they removed the pockets on the back of their pants. Thank you fashion designers!

Anyway, so back to the mall. I love this mall for the reasons people loved to go when they were in high school. I never really went then so I guess today was my walk in the Abercrombie clouds. Upon parking, there are countless luxury automobiles, my sex magnet 2003 Malibu and one more car I will not forget. It was a white Hyundai with the whole freaking back end and rear passenger door smashed in. Oak Brook may be 80% gated communities but it still let's its image guard down to make a buck.

My purpose to going to this mall was to get an airport extreme card for the G5. Well as luck would have it (and the mall directory indicated) I parked completely on the other side of the mall from the Apple store. So I stand there planning. Ok, store number 554 is northwest from Sears by about forty yards. In this moment I propose a question for the designer of such a fine shopping complex. What good does it do to assign a number to each store if those store do not display there numbers for those chaps with a poor sense of direction? It would be the same if we had addresses only in the phone book not on the buildings themselves. "Where's Pete's house?" "Well it should be near 220, which I think was about a quarter of a mile ago. Who puts the address only in the directory? This just reeks of organized crime."

So after following the north star and a worldly gal named Sacajewa, we made it to the store. I should mention that this mall is more than a target rich environment. There were plenty of girls to be in Hef's harem and quite a few Mrs. Robinson sightings. I remained focused, after all I could be rejected anywhere this mall was just not in the cards today.

Enter the Apple store. Some art deco freak opened a computer store and now everyone that shops there immediately thinks they are from Seattle and were the first to wear those rectangle beatnik framed glasses. Another sociological finding that pertains to the Apple community. If you are to work there it is unwritten law that you must be either bald or talk with permanently clogged sinuses. Ehhng, this is Joe sir. Yes you are wrong. Sorry that is Apple's policy, otherwise I would consider kissing your ass.

Now the set up of Apple stores are just like their on-line and phone support systems. It will take some serious effort and perseverance to actually talk to a human about your own needs. At Apple they would much prefer you to get confused, cry and go back to crawling in PCville.

After much deliberation on my purchase, I bought the card. Earlier in the day I was told it cost $19.95. When I got to the store, it cost $79.99. At one time I was on the phone with SBC about the DSL connection and what I needed to buy while knowing the $60 increase. Tom Brokaw calls it the fleecing of America, I call it the vasectomy of American. I bought it and left promptly before I heard Frodo's girlfriend say "come on, i-pods around."

I left the store, looked at my receipt and it said for support go to apple.com, no really don't try calling us. We have better things to do like mock the new XP upgrades. If I don't figure this machine out soon, I am sure Apple will order a code red on me. In the night there will be a Honda Pilot full of techies coming to commandeer my G5 and take it to a good home, one that knows how to use it.

Once I know how to be mac savvy, I am sure I will be one with the mini skirts and the techies. We can all sit in a park and listen to Beyonce's latest single on our i-pod and talk about how "fresh" her samples are of Tina Turner's archives