Thursday, July 29, 2004

Dear France, I Found a New International Punching Bag

Let's be upfront here. Ever since studying WWI in school I and many others like to blame shoddy foreign relations upon the French. Let's not forget to perpetuate their stereotype of the most arrogant and equally rancid smelling people. Plus it is fun to poke fun at the first person to leave an planned outing as acting like a true Frenchman. France have no fear, for there is another nation that is the cicada to pop culture. However, something must be in the water for this nation is revisiting our society more than Jennifer Lopez gets engaged.

I can not stand Jamaica.

This country is the most obnoxious country in the Carribbean. Everytime the American society goes to the Jamaican well we come back with such fine characters as Madam Cleo, Shaggy, Sean Paul, a freaking bobsled team, and a low quality shortstop.

Madam Cleo, the carnie that learned to read. She managed to con a bunch of late night lumps on a couch into talking about their future. She is not a genius, it is not hard to predict these patrons to be unemployed, cheated on by a sibling, or simply lonely in a house of eight or so cats. Cleo was the tip of the ice berg of low quality exports from Jamaica.

Shaggy and Sean Paul, Jamaica's rappers that made it huge in the US. Nothing like the GED grammar skills of rap to help resonate the Jamaican accent across many other countries. Jamaican rap is the only type of music that when in English the native speakers actually keep their accent. Have you ever heard a Def Leopard song and then listened to those doped up lab rats try and conjure a thought. They make Ozzy Ozborne sound like an articulate man. So yes, we can say the integrity of Jamaican music is the accent. Frankly though, I am tired of the accent.

I recall when Shaggy had the smash song "it wasn't me." A song about being caught red handed in adultery and just denying the truth. That just proves the level of stupidity down there, well besides wearing those silly rasta hats when it is like 90 degrees outside. Anyway, this song was so well embraced by the Amercian people because the message of infidelity without repercussion just hits home (this was the Clinton administration by the way). Shaggy was on every show possible to promote/saturate his song like any other rapper- since in rap rarely does lightning/hit songs strike more than once. Disney had the gall to have Shaggy perform that very song infront of hundreds of children at Disneyworld. I guess the message that could lead to teen pregnancy is not important as long as those kids come to experience the money trap with a big mouse.

I am sure the country of Jamaica is very nice, but their ambassadors from rap and even astrology have given us reason to believe that all work an no play makes Jamiaca Cuba. Every time I think of Jamiaca, some woman's voice says "Jamiaca? Jamaican-me crazy! Celebration!" and whatever nonsensical pot induced rhymes. "Jamaican-me crazy?" More like "Jamiacan an ass of yourself." We get it ok, yeah Bob Marley was really good, but the recent exports are the hit from the pipe that are so bad that we only take another hoping it will get better, Don' t hold your breath.

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