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Sunday, October 20, 2013
Monday, October 07, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
SUV Driver Successfully Climbs "Bump in the Road"
As Mike expected, the German engineered luxury SUV ahead of him slowed nearly to a complete stop as they approached the treacherous 1.5 inch climb. "I suppose if I was a finely tuned German suspension, I'd like someone to cut me a little slack too." Mike said as he flipped through all his radio presets.
Once Maxwell had the space to move, he did what no other SUV owner has ever done while approaching uneven pavement. He hit the gas pedal, with relative force. Not teenage jackass cruising force, just I gotta get this pizza home warm force.
Mike associates his grace under fire with such unique road conditions to his seven MarioKart Star Cup Championships.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Friday, May 03, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Chicago Cubs Promotion of the film ‘Se7en’ Comes Full Circle
Chicago, IL: The 2013 baseball season is just a few weeks old but what is being confirmed as an epic tribute to director David Fincher’s ‘Seven.’ This week Chicago Cub fans were treated to the story that Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was delivered a box with a goat’s head inside. Although Ricketts has made no official comment on this gesture rumored to be done by a crazed Cubs fan, it is well known that Theo Epstein is a huge fan of the 1995 Brad Pitt movie.
Chicago Police have confirmed that indeed this goat head in
a box is more of a cinematic tribute than another pathetic attempt of a Cubs
fan to deny the fact they are willingly supporting a perpetually failing
organization. There have been accounts
of the other seven deadly sins in and around Wrigley Field since the 1995
release of the dynamic Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman masterpiece.
October 1996: Gluttony- Chicago Cubs fans poured into Wrigley Field to watch the
legendary play of Sandberg, Grace & Turk Wendell. Northwestern Memorial Hospital attributes the
37% spike in diabetes to their patients purely on the record sales of Old Style
beer & Champs Malt Cups sold at the stadium.
Spring 1998: Greed- Sammy
Sosa took it on himself to bulk up and chase the all-time home run record once
held by a legitimate baseball player, Roger Maris. Sosa denies any steroid use
during the ’98 season but equipment records show his batting helmet went from a
size ‘large’ in ’97 to a size ‘egomaniacal’ in ’98.
October 1998: Sloth- Thousands of Chicago Cubs fans feared any
change to their appearance after the team clinched a playoff spot would curse
their team & consequentially continue the nearly century long drought of
accomplishing anything. Wrigleyville, a community that prides itself on pretty little
faces, was plagued with men & women who refused to wear clean clothes or
shave for weeks. A dark, funky time in Chicago history.
Spring 2003: Lust- Cubs management created a starting pitching
roster that boasted Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, & Matt Clement. Fans drunk off an actual winning season were
swooning for the pitchers, even the portly and mentally unstable Zambrano.
October 2003: Pride- In what turned out to be a pivotal moment in
Chicago Cubs franchise history, their outfielder who prides himself on
urinating on his hands, Moises Alou, botches an attempt to catch a foul ball as
it goes out of play. Immediately Moises blames a fan that also went for the
ball. To this day, Alou is publicly satisfied that it was not him that had to
move out of state and change his name and quit his job.
April 2013 Envy & Wrath: After laying low for nearly a decade, Theo
Epstein hires someone to deliver a box to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field. Upon opening the box, Ricketts recoils in
horror from what he sees inside the box.
Epstein admitted to Tom Ricketts that he was guilty of envy. Theo had
become jealous of the goat’s simpler life.
Epstein admitted he tried to “play along” with the curse but it didn’t work
out so he took a souvenir instead “his pretty head.” It was Theo Epstein’s plan
all along to kill the Cubs franchise.
Tom Ricketts is so devastated he signs the official documents moving the
Cubs to Rosemont Illinois. In killing all that is Wrigleyville, Tom Ricketts
comes to embody the sin of wrath.
Monday, April 08, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Flying Popeshank Redemption
I wish I could tell you that the Flying Popes fought the good fight, and How I Set Your Mother let them be. I wish I could tell that - but recreational volleyball is no fairy-tale world. They never said who did the beatings, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - rec. volleyball life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, the Flying Popes would show up with a few fresh bruises on their egos. How I Set Your Mother kept at them - sometimes they were able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for the Flying Popes - that was their routine. I do believe those first five weeks were the worst for them, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this rec. league would have got the best of them.
As we sit, waiting for a shot for proving our growth and abilities to the fine administration of Players Sports Group, I can only imagine a regular season exit interview...
PSG:Flying Popes Volleyball, your file says you've played out twenty four games of a seven week regular season. Do you feel you've been competitive?
Flying Popes: Competitive? Well, now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.
PSG: Well it means that you are inclined or desiring to succeed over all others...
Flying Popes: I know what *you* think it means sonny. To me it's just a made up word. A commissioner's word so young fellas like you can wear stripes and whistle, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for how we played?
PSG: Well, are you?
Flying Popes: There's not a day that goes by I don't feel regret. Not because we're in the bottom of the standings, or because you think we should. I look back on the way we were then: a young stupid team who committed those terrible unforced errors. I want to talk to them. I want to try and talk some sense to them, tell them the way things are. But I can't. That young team's long gone and this thirty something is all that's left. We got to live with that. Competitive? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and fill out your playoff bracket, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.
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I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a recreational champion can feel, a recreational champion at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the gymnasium. I hope to see my dad and shake his hand. I hope the banner is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
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