Bob Seger: We could have had tonight

Perhaps one of the finest songs ever performed is Night Moves by the snaggle-toothed Bob Seger and his silver bullet band. I went out on a limb, a moment of declaration yet minimal repercussion except for personal embarrassment. Bob Seger will you be my myspace friend? Apparently no. The delay in any response must mean the following;
1. He is too busy trying to find the actual joy in Detroit instead of approving me.
2. My photo doesn't look like I should be his Harley barnacle for a roadtrip.
3. He is too busy watching the Alf episode where Alf lipsyncs to "old time of rock and roll" parodying risky business. They really don't write tv as well as they did in the 80s.


Not to say I am damaged goods but if Bob Seger rejects me, what kind of pain am I setting myself up for with Kelly Clarkson? Seger was my safety celebrity.

Dream On

Last night I was in the middle of some well needed sleep when some disturbing events entered. I have been woken with some bad dreams over time but this was just annoying. The dream I had was that I was driving to the police department to pay for my parking ticket. While I was getting out of the car I was followed by an officer without my knowledge. I paid the fine and then returned to my car only to see the office giving me another parking ticket.

That was just malicious. Who gives someone a ticket while they pay thier ticket? Fortunately, I have remote control over my dreams and didn't have to go to court for it.

I have two main fears in my life that are tangible. The biggest one is spiders. I don't know why? Afterall, they are rumored to kill off mosquitos and other bugs that sole purpose is to extend biology lectures. Maybe if I saw a spider take out a bug that bothered me I would be more appreciative. I would be ok with the spider leaving a portion of a centipede on its web as a sign of service to our understanding. Instead, those webs are only hung to make me feel like I am about be stabbed by some B-rate killer.

That's why I have decided to eliminate the top two of my fears. I would like to kill a spider...with a shotgun. Double barrelled too. I wouldn't fix the whole in the wall either. The gaping whole would send a message to the rest of the spider community. This could sping into a domestic battle where I may be pushed to enlist whatever is next on the food chain, frogs or birds or shoes.

I curently am on coffee ice cream. Ice cream is designed to relax, coffee to stimulate. I may have found the suburban eight ball.

Man Broccoli/ Cleaning Day

Today marks the third time in two months that my roommates and I have delegated cleaning day. It's not really a day. The actual duration is best compared to when you were at the public pool and your friends through in quarters in the bottom of the deep end and you hold your breath just long enough before you pass out.

Cleaning the kitchen primarily requires scrubbing week old coffee stains that were to mark like rings on a tree the time my roommate started his bar studies. He has claimed to have been tanning but I am lead to believe he is actually drinking so much coffee his pigment is changing.

In a very similar way I held my breath as I churched up bathroom duty for three of us guys. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we're some monkeys at the end of a ballgame...but it is a bathroom. It's like walking into a crime scene. There used to be life here. Just trying to rationalize the grime made me confirm that it is possible to be a guy that is like his mom. I would remember her asking us how we managed to get toothpaste so far up on the mirror. I now am baffled, maybe because I am the tallest one and I know that it wasn't me. Perhaps my sub-six foot roommate used his footstool to brush like a five year old?

There is a shower cleaning spray that claims that as long as you spray it after showers once a day, it will clean the tile itself. I don't really know if I buy that it cleans but at least when it still looks like a highway motel I can point the finger to the mute bottle of shower spray.

I have a dishwasher and love every minute of it. Now if I could just get one that loads and unloads automatically I would be really happy.

Auto Show '07

So here are some pics for you to look at. Plenty more to come but these are some of my favorites.

New Year's To Do/Think about List '07

Well, writing down a resolution or thirty may be a bold thing I'd do in the past. Writing resolutions down is something I take very serious. It's like the biggest grocery list I have to make for myself. What sucks is how we don't plan to run into that side display of nacho cheese but still make room for it. (ooh metaphors this early in the year, bonus!)

1. Go Swimming 3 times a week - I used to think I could do that more but I am seriously bothered by how the ederly make a locker room a nudist colony and begin to recall yesteryear.

2. Eat healthier - Occasionally put green peppers on my pizza. Consider that done.

3. Catch 22 - Actually read the thing, don't use it as a papertowel.

4. Learn Guitar - If I practiced as much as I play Guitar Hero I could be earning big cash at a coffee house.

5. Public Transportation - Use it more. I fear the dream where Al Gore comes to visit and leaves Tipper to supervise me.

6. Be there for my brother - It's only a matter of time before the Cubs put their uniforms back on.

7. Develop a random impersonation - Remember when a Walken was clever and funny? Maybe I could be the one skinny guy with a good Farley, can't fake fat.

Holiday Wish List

Now boys and girls, be careful for what you wish for you just may get it. I came to this nasty realization that there lies a great level of humilty and humiliation with one's selfishness and self-absorbed perspective on life. Let's check out the top things I saw on tv this week for consumption.


Fathead- the gigantor size of all sports poster/billboard for home or office. It could be NFL, NCAA, Nascar, NBA, or even NHL (incase anyone watches outside Canada and my friend Larry's house). The beauty of this product is that it can be moved from wall to wall with out losing it's stick. Which makes for a fortunate lifespan since it will more like need to be taken off the wall of many future ex-girlfriends wall quickly as she throws your weak ass out. I like this because I am a vidiot. There is nothing that cries for footie pajamas more than a giant poster of your favorite sport team on your wall well after your voice has cracked (I am exempt from that scrutiny as I am still on record for the being the oldest male to still crack his voice.).

Nike+i-Pod - Sweet, I always love to see the small sweatshops of the world collabo on a new toy. Now that an elevator voice is attributed to how far or fast I run I can't wait until they merge the i-pod with my shower caddy and toilet paper roll. I am always led to believe that the best inspiration for fitness should be who you're trying to sleep with. If that doesn't work just grab your waist and if you can grab enough to hang a small plant from it, keep running.

Birthcontrol- I don't recall the name of it but essentially it reduces the number of periods a girl has a year. Watch out ladies. So you are not having your friend flow over for a coffee as much. Repurcssion one; once we know that say good bye to the logically illogical mood swings and ability to kill without guilt. Gone are the days where you can make that silent gesture to get out of situations, dates, or traffic tickets. On the bright side now the hot women can wear white pants longer.

Thank God we got past that white after Labor Day rule.

Dental Dam!

I just got back from the dentist today. The installments of pain are due to my lack of flossing, so I hear. My dentist is a nice guy but today was a rough day. While using what felt like a tire jack on my face, he began to give me play by play. I get you are drilling out the bad stuff. There is no need to tell me what you are doing explicately. However, could you please make sure the hygentist gets the game plan prior to coming into the room. Never am looking forward to people hunching over me with the words "just give me the 24 gauge" uttered.

No matter what the dentist tells you regarding the severity of the problem you will be informed by the sound of the drill when it hits tooth. Like the slowest bee sting the first drill slapped some sense into me. Ok, I will floss more. Too Late. In came another drill. This one was a slow mini version of the drill from NASA. I may have opted for being thrown down the flight of stairs it felt like was going through that tooth.

While mastering how to clench my entire body for over an hour, I was asked questions about what I felt and being ready for more of the proceedure. It was at that point that I realized how effective dental work can be as creative sentencing for felons. I was nodding and giving a thumb up for more pain. Now granted, this pain is covered by sedation; for an hour.

I was blessed with nice banter with the hygentist. She asked me if I had spent any time "watching these bears?" It was at this moment I realized how I sound when I am full of it. A very sweet gesture negated by the fact that I thought we had concluded the process. Wrong. The only thing more painful than dental work is coming back from intermission. Hey, let's have that sedative ware down.

At one point, as leaning in to proceed the dentist asked "I hope you don't feel this."

I think we all know that honesty is the best policy, just probably not in medicine.

Face for Radio

Back on the air! I am going to be on wtmx-fm tonight at 7:30pm tonight for the Mix's on air dating show call Mix'n'Match on air dating. The sweet deal is that I am the bachelor that picks one of three girls. Check it out on line at www.wtmx.com and I will report in full post show.

NACA Photos (Mid America/West) part 1

Long Lasting Sap

As I was driving around Lake Tahoe the other day, I stopped at a beach. Nice, cold but nice. The trees where huge, and so were the pine cones. I picked one up that was roughly the size of my head (which is large). When I went to put it down I realized extra large pine cones come with an extra large ammount of sap. I was able to wash the sap off in the lake but then had some transfer of sap. I went to make a call on the cell phone, passed sap on to the phone, and then sap to my sideburns. This sap has been on the side of my head like cement for almost four days now. Someone told me to just comb it out. The thought of that pain and bald spot scares me.

Taste of the Road

After the past six weeks I have hit three conferences and three states meeting hundreds of students. Arkansas, Illinois and Nevada have given me plenty to talk about and now the blog remembers.

While in Arkansas the conference was tied into one of the finest and rare community events. Duke Days, when Little Rock honors the fine show of "Dukes of Hazard." There were about ten general lee's, boss hog's patrol car and many more. I really look forward to getting back to Arkansas. One major reason Chuch's Chicken.

With all the programs to attend while there I had one half day to recover and I did so with SEC football and a trip to the Church's Chicken. The chicken itself is nothing to boast about, but there is something on the menu that makes life tolerable. Sweet corn nuggets. Now as I lay watching Alabama play football, I became the posterchild of a sloth moment. I actually set the deep fried corn nuggets on my stomach as I watched the game. Equally satisfying and disturbing. It's hard to pinpoint a moment in one's life where you can feel the initial curve on the downward spiral of livelihood. Thank you Church's Chicken.

~~~~

In Peoria I was lucky enough to hit up two of my favorite places, Arby's and Bob Evan's. Now the only peculiar thing I must say about this Arby's is that it was the most outgoing, friendly, and female Arby's ever. Run by what may very well have been the cheerleading team on a quest for new uniforms. When I was leaving it was like trying the GAP Challenge (entering the store, touch the back wall and leave without being spoken to by an employee.). I was nearly out the door when a firing squad of courtesy sprayed thank yous and farewells. American values, and the best curly fries; you can't beat that.

It is common knowledge that I happened to forget to book my hotel for Peoria. Upon the first night of hanging out I found myself experimenting how well a car stays warm overnight. Four hours of sleep in the rental car gave me plenty of rest until the cold woke me up. (by the way, of all disturbing ways to be woken, cold is definitely a memorable one.) I drove over to the Bob Evans for a quality meal where I sat between the typical male elders in mesh hats discussing the morning commute and pending winter weather. Once I finished I did continue in my luxury stay in the front seat of the rental. The level of class I bring is slightly higher than sleeping four hours behind a Bob Evans. Regardless, I recommend it completely, barring you bought breakfast.

~~~~

Reno taught me the importance of refridgeration. I ordered a massive ammount of pizza one night and worked on it for the next day and a half. All the toppings were handling well except for the chicken. That stuff goes south in a hurry. The term shelf life is a very misleading one. I was quick to realize that the average time frame for determining shelf life of food is almost always hind sight.

The road is great but there is something to be said about home cooking, you don't need to sleep in a car to enjoy it.

The O-Ring/Manhood Proxy

It has come to my attention that I am on a renegade diet headed nowhere close to the cob salad craze. Which by the way, how can someone get geeked on a salad? Is there any meat in it? Or is it the dressing that seals the deal? Newsflash- salad dressing is garden gravy, not good for you either (at least not through excessive amounts, but we all have self control). Check out my weekend eating.

Saturday I woke up early to get messed up by the dentist and drool on myself for three hours post procedure. I intro the day with some applesauce (not because I am some lamo, but because the stuff with cinnamon is sweet), then logical choice is pork chop in a spicy hickory marinade, a couple beers, and then two custom made burgers that could be mistaken for beef saucers, easily 1/3 lb after the grill. Those were delicious but not the best of the weekend.

I was set to meet my dad for pizza mid Sunday. However he was caught in some tourist thing and I went for a snack with my friends until he called. Well, I ordered a basket of onion rings. I ate them myself. Pretty much 2/3 lb (guess) of onion rings consumed in 30 minutes. I then drove to my apartment only to be called when I got there. He was at the pizzeria, waiting. Now I had to get there and prepare myself to eat again.

I sit down and couldn't even stomach a drink stronger than water. He then mentions that we should get the usual. Fearing that, I looked blankly, another order of onion rings and a large sausage pizza was in the mix. Now this is a smaller portion of rings but after already eating my fill of them I had to now hide the fact I ate some not too long ago.

I took care of those no problem. Then comes the pizza. I know pizza, and more importantly the psychology of pizza. As each slice is eliminated the mental state of the eater changes. First it is great to eat, then it turns into I could go for a couple more, finally there are 4-6 slices (if square) or 2 (triangle) that remain. At this point the pizza begins to taunt as they are the few, the proud, the leftovers. It is now a mission to eat these bastards off the plate and leave nothing but it's greasy memory on a paper napkin. There were four pieces left my dad takes two says "we need to finish this, and you need to take those two...Or you're not a man." Joking sure, but never has he given such an ultimatum. I knew that there was a better way to get one's manhood justified. I am sure the ladies will dig that too.

Big Mig and the 10 Foot Square

So I went out to a concert on Saturday that is pretty much frat rock with the concentrated pool of horny sorority girls. The last time this band was in town I went, got drunk and hooked up as well. This time was not too far from the formula. However this time it only took me ten minutes to meet some girl upon getting into the show. Hitting off quite easily and then comes the dilemma, I finished my beer. She sees that I have to go by the law of binge drinking. She gives me money to do the run for her as well. I turn around, she grabs me looks deeply in my eyes and pauses so long I thought there would be a a make out session. She then says "you promise that you'll come back with the beer? Promise me that? Please.

Amazingly, I took the quest with vigor and made it to the beer cart no problem with my friend. We turned around and then I realized something about myself- no matter how confident I may be, finding two people in a sea of thousands very hard, especially ten beers in and wearing aviator sunglasses while at night. I did find her again, so I thought. This girl had a headband that was multi-color and when I returned that was the item I looked for. It was closely attached to the forehead of someother dude. What?! I thought we had something!? I was going to call her out on it but I didn't create a scene and interrupt the other drunken hook-ups, plus I had two free beers! (at $10 a beer that's a fair trade)

Well into the show I was barely conscious. I had what I thought I hit gold with comedy gold. I came up with a show idea. I called my mom because I didn't have a notepad. It was loud, my mom and brother were taking the call and they thought I was in trouble. Nope, the show with no other concept than the title itself was disclosed via drunk dial to mom.

Big Mig and the 10 Foot Square. Coming soon. Gold.

Good for USA

COME ON BY AND SEE THE SHOW!!!

Brats, Brats, Burning

So this past weekend was more than monumental. Besides being a solid amatuer bacci ball player, this weekend took the cake. Quick hits here, for those who would like a box score. Here goes.

Brats eaten by myself- 6 in two sittings, plus 1 burger, 1.5 pork chops and countless beers.
Break ups - 1 (awesome, best holiday split ever)
Number of women I met, offered to buy a drink and then backed out of the offer. - 1

So to the big story, my friend brought up his law school gal pal. She came to a show of mine on Friday and seemed to enjoy the end of the night. Never before have I actually been around someone that was disgusted by middle class socializing. To much shagrin, she was a trooper for about 2.5 hours and then apparently the cook out was to end according to her or the Martha Stewart magazine guiding the elite through life.

So we heckled her to be the ball girl during a pool volleyball match. With her vapid personality I was actually pleased that in the past few days my dogs had liberal digestive systems. Alas, she kept her shoes clean but was vying to leave pronto. Being the new found buzzkill to the party my friend spoke to her about not having a set time to be at my party. She then replies, "the novelty has worn off." He asked if that was regarding the pool girl comments (which were running dry in all honesty), she then said "no, being here."

To cut this story into a readable length, my friend told her to essentially stop being so selfish and wait until they left. Prior to leaving the room with her. They broke up. I said somethings to her that in all honesty were way to nice. She cried that it was her birthday weekend (Tuesday is the day), and I bit my tongue to let her know that a birthday weekend works when you are in college, or around people that realize how much of an attention whore you are. (I know that is ironic with my eternal quest for attention, at least I try to make people laugh on the way though.)

~~~~
So I went to the beach today. Awesome. I am very proud of the midwest female population that made it out today. Good get on the bikinis and general interest in beach sports. As I patroled the beach in my aviators, we decided it would be best to hit the waves. Now, I am a semi-pro lake wave surfer and think I conquered about a 5.75 foot wave at one point today. My friend lost his aviators and we came to realize one thing. We are above the waves, unofficially the best frisbee players in the midwest, and we should have put on sunblock.

What I love about the sunburn is that you can't see it come until a couple hours later. Sunburns come in all different colors and even shapes. Mine has done an acceptional job highlighting my sholders and soon to come six pack (or present belly).


Happy 4th.

The Next Great Tease/ and Show

So firt things first. Incase you don't follow the myspace page, tonight I am performing a stand up show.A lenghty show, of full show proportions. That's right, the show that should have occurred in April has found a site tonight.

The Apollo Chicago Theater
2540 N Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL 60614
Box Office (773) 935-6100
Tickets $10. at the door, over the phone or through ticketmaster.
Start 10:30p.

The next great tease is that I got an email today from a person requesting to have my address to let me know if I made it or not to perform in the Boston Comedy Festival. Sweet! Right? Well, why would someone ask to get your mailing address to reject you if they could already do it via email? If that goes south I now know that almost will only be a good story to people that only never.

More shows and blogs to come, I promise I'll try again.

Walk This Way

Something of late has returned to my attention. I apparently have trouble walking. In high school I grew so quickly that I walked like Shaggy. Now, (maybe the shoes) fell down stairs and almost fell again this morning. Falling down stairs is such a humbling experience. It shows that you are either really old, not paying attention, drunk, or less skilled mechanically than a three year old.

I don't know what is worse. Growing up I actually caught a number of people from falling all the way down our steps to our family room. Great-grandma was the scariest. She was so old that when I went to grasp her from falling further I feared breaking her bones that way.

Maybe the handicap ramps are more embarrassment resistant slopes. I think they are great ideas, it's a shame that the majority of early ramp use comes at an amusement park. Our minds are conditioned to get to a rollercoaster after winding around for a quarter mile, not Wal-Mart.

Bill of Hook Up Rights

Welcome to the world of hook up ettiquette. Now that Spring is back and we are trying to kick the sexual rust off on a couple of practice runs, (or in the baseball metaphor world- going to the cages) let's make sure we can agree to a hook up treaty.

This like our great constitution must be able to be ammended but at the same time we should have the Bill of Hook Up Rights that all people are entitled to until they break them and must be tried by a mass of pop culture tinted gossip lenses. So let's begin, shall we?

1. Freedom of STD's. Sorry you must be honest and not like the MLB's steriod policy. One and done. Plus it's not like we won't be suspicious of the chronic itching.

2. The right to bear birth control, and use it. Stop telling us it helps keep your face free of oil and whatever other crater formed on your face.

3. One may only sexile with consent of the 'xiled. (if there is no consent, best make sure the story is good the following day.)

4. It is unlawful for one to perform unreasonable search and seizure, afterall you're not there to read their 7th grade diary.

5. The right to not answer any self-incriminating questions (ex-talk, previous performance standards, etc.)

6. All last moment accusations/confessions are deferred to a rebuttal of wingmen/women in person or via cell phone. The next morning if needed.

7. Biting/scratching or whatever kinky junk floats your boat is acceptable once agreed upon, and above the waist.

8. Eliminating other potential hook ups because of relationship with one party is considered cruel and jealous (not unusual).

9. Negative rumors after the fact are disparaging and discouraged. Embarrassing moments are fair game.

10. Ex-sex is permitted, just remember dinner = dating.

Lingering Blog- Back Again

So sorry to those who check this and have been not entertained for the last month. I have made some changes and am about six weeks out of debuting a production of my own. This is much bigger than I thought as it has consumed most of my time and has taken me away from the stand up opportunities. Well that will change soon as well.

Audition! Next Saturday 3/25/06

Want to be in a new improv show. The previous two man show I was in is expanding and will be hosting open casting calls on Saturday afternoon downtown. Please simply respond to this posting and I will be in touch. The time is from 3p-6p.

Take care.