Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Ahh, Twins

Twins are the biological redo of our species and for many reasons we are fascinated by the way they really look alike in the same outfit (but different color). It all became cuter than all heck with Patty Duke. Then we got a special treat called the Olsen twins.

Their big breaks came when they were only nine months old. How does a set of nine-month-old infants look/act the part more than any other set of twins? Was the audition more than a session at Olen Mills photography studio? “Smile for the birdie.” “I think she grinned. Now, that’s our baby.”

Having a baby on a show makes as much as owning fish, as much as you would like they really do nothing besides take up space waiting for you to feed or change them. When the Olsen twins actually were able to speak (not have a voice dubbed over them) they were the icons of sugar substitutes.

I wonder this. At the age of nine months why do you need a set of twins? What exactly could Ashley do that made Mary-Kate a third down kind of twin? Could only one of them say “way to go dude!”? I am surprised that there was no complex to come from this. On the set of a family show not only does the show end perfectly but also so does the lives of all within…Blehh.

Mary-Kate and Ashley were so perfect for the era of family programming. When ABC gave them the start they were on TGIF (Tipper Gore’s Installation of Family values). Who else was on? Well, Urckle in “Family Matters.” That show took no more than a couple seasons to immortalize an American ideal- writing off a child. If you recall there was another daughter but ABC already had the ugly card with Urckle and he got laughs.

Full House brought many ideals back to the home. Many of those ideals were already mentioned, written, and played out in “The Brady Bunch”, “Family Ties” and even “The Cosby Show.”
I thank the Olsen’s for being the lone set of child stars not to be waking up and washing their faces in the gutter. They are reportedly worth almost a billion dollars. That is fascinating how they fleeced America’s allowances on such lame straight to video movies fluffy magazines, and wearing Osh Kosh B’Gosh for seven years. In a world of hard core, these two are the anti-viagra; they keep our lives soft and our ideals flirting with actual morals. Until they turn eighteen.

Here’s the issue with America talking about these girls in a sexual manner. Legally, it soon will be acceptable. Ethically, still wrong. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are making the nation talk like they were on “Girls Gone Wild.” I am disappointed in us. This case alone makes America a bunch of hillbillies. Can a child not grow up before we have the urge to go R. Kelly on them? We watched them grow up. It is like raising a calf, naming and nurturing it only to send it to slaughter instead of milking the wholesomeness it provides.

There are a select group of horn balls that vocalize their inner thoughts as one (usually a girl) turns eighteen. “Man, I can’t wait until she is eighteen, finally legal.” Yeah, I am sure the only benefit of her turning legal is now that you will only be classified as a sex offender not a sex offender and a pedophile, creep.

On a brighter note, the twins got their star on the Hollywood walk of fame. The stars are actually bought by the stars proving that only in California are people dumb enough to pay for millions of people to walk all over them, well there is also the presidency.
I used to think took a lot of time and success to get on the walk of fame (Bob Hope, Humphrey Bogart, Lucile Ball) but I guess in the weeks between another comic book movie opening Hollywood needed something to waste our time with.

Mary Kate and Ashley are doing to greatest thing, going to college. Maybe then they will finally “find themselves” and stop mooching off their parents. I understand they are looking to study business and fashion. If all goes well for them they will be the first child stars to be thirty that can afford Applebees and not look like fallen GAP models.

Good luck girls, I’ll give you a call sometime before my morals return.

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