That's It! I'm Done.

As I get older I have to admit that I can no longer do what glorious things made being a young guy so great. Knowing that the modern era has made punchlines of fidelity and retirement, I may be able to un-retire from the following, maybe some of you should too.

1. Wearing a baseball hat backwards- like when I was a kid and I saw myself in the mirror sucking my thumb, I realize this has to stop. I look like a jackhole who quotes "Old School" to his coworkers while they rank who they'd nail in the office.

2. Starting my night out after 10:00pm - seriously what is so impressive about this? I have stuff to do tomorrow like mop, take the dog for an extra long walk, and play a video game.

3. Drinking games- If you have a mortgage you need to grow up. Flippy cup or quarters on your granite tops is not going to do anything better than demonstrate you white-knuckled hold on your "prime."

4. Eating a whole frozen pizza - This was child's play for me. In current times my girlfriend apparently wants to eat with me. Odd.

5. D-bag friends - There comes a time where the different groups of your friends may want to hang out. Now having to brace people for how "Greg is Greg. You'll just have to let him be." Not really who wants a tool hanging out making everyone cringe. Not sure if you support a D-bag? It's easy to tell. Are you older than 25, and does he/she act like they are in the sophomore year still? D-bag.


Man alive, I can't wait to install a ceiling fan some day.

Coworkers Say the Darndest Things

It has come to my attention that after working closely again with more women that men, I no longer want to have a daughter. The margin of error is far too wide. I used to think it would be cool to hear what women think...It's not impressive at all.

Today I was needed to lobby for a solid couple minutes before they would cease conversations about their vaginae. Knowing that I may very well have to defend this blog I will leave it at the point that v-talk should only come from my girlfriend or some dropout with daddy issues.

I have heard that if you put a pack of women together they eventually synchronize their cycles and plan global domination. Not so much in the cubes. It's a daily cat fight lotto. Who will make a highly irrational argument that will linger longer than their hummus breath? Who can begin to sabotage the very shine of the plastic professionalism we all banner? We all do. Even I will get in on this action.

Why? Sometimes although it's painful, I sure love kicking the hornets' nest.

Old Timer's Club

The times are a changing. I have for over a week now been injured with some sort of ailment to my neck and left arm. This may have happened from working out or from merely getting older. Nonetheless, I am feeling the message of old man time talking.

I know I am not a senior citizen yet but the fact of how I am working through this injury shows that my soul is not the only thing that is old. Here's a quick quiz to determine if you are no longer young, just young at heart.

1. True or False: You have bought Icy Hot, BenGay or a heating pad before.

2. True or False: You are more interested in brunch specials than the bar specials from the night before.

3. True of False: Kneeling takes a good ten seconds longer as you look for something to brace with.

4. True or False: You have various vitamin bottles not just the multi-vitamins you bought three years ago.

5. True or False: There is typically an inner monologue debating the cause and effect to what you eat.

If you answered true to more than three questions I am certain you are one like myself who has decided to shelve most physical life goals such as slam dunking, bench pressing your weight, and being able to take all the groceries into the house on one trip.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am much more limited to do things. It helps to be completely sedated with denial sometimes.

One more day until I buy Bayer

I have become officially older than I could have ever imagined. Just today I have hit such low levels of adult superiority as buying my first container of "Icy Hot" and a hot pad. My back actually smelled like an episode of Matlock. This is getting out of control.

I suppose I should give the best estimated origin of this injury. I was working out. Yes, I go to the gym. Frankly I don't know why I go to the gym. According to my good friend, once you land a long term relationship who else are you out to impress. Granted he has a legally binded document to endorse his sloth. So, I tweaked my shoulder/back and it has lingered around until now ruining peaceful sleep as I hold spooning ransom.

My brother recommends seeing my doctor but I had to inform him that I feel like I am more of a medical professional than her. Side note: Doctors, when you practice medicine sooo long that you change from a white coat to a gray or other color coat, please actually know medicine. My doc's coat is gray and I feel like she wants me to believe it is some kind of medical karate belt ranking. Gray must be the color coat for delusional.

The past four days I have been on steady Farve cocktails; advils and excedrine back/body. Just the idea that if my grandparents were alive and I could relate to their health makes me sad. Oh, I forgot the kicker. My index finger is numb. Like some sophomoric caveman I gnaw on it until I can feel my own bite. Never have I declared I was moving our society further with my intellect.

I may have become just what I found to be great contradictory concepts. Through my own working out I have become a slower moving and injured person. If I realized this was my fate over a year ago who knows how many video games I could have beaten? I know for sure I could have at least read one book in that time.

"Adults" Only

It has been an awesome ride into adulthood. I remember craving the title of adult for at least a dozen years before I knew what tax returns meant. Growing up wanting to be an adult was to my understanding to be a mature, composed individual that most likely shelved their childhood ambitions.

Do you remember the first time you found out that the word "adult" meant a bit more? What is a nine year old to do when they go to the library and see a section of adult reads only to go on the family vacation and see that the Lion's Den as well provides books. I remember asking my mom, who reads quite a bit, why do adults get even their own bookstore? What's so cool about "adult" books. Thank you Internet for illustrating what mom said in dismissal.

Maybe food network can let us all in on the secret reason for making special promos for food network "nighttime." Oh baby, it's 8:00 in the pm and the kiddos are tucked away. Now we are gonna chop some celery, but this time real naughty! (queue the heavy jazz)

I appreciate the freedom of press and never want it to stop but my final question today is who really buys porn at an airport?

Four Legged Alarm Clock

I am beginning to think that puppies may be the smartest creatures on this planet. I am now into three months of raising a "shephard mix" and it has been nothing but an eye opening process. First off "shephard mix" is kennel jargon for "we have no clue."

This dog of mine is nothing short of genius and mercenary. I have grown up with seven dogs through my childhood and never have the following happened.
My dog ate the wall.
My dog dragged the cat across the floor by its neck. (granted I was raised properly and never had a cat)

So I will explain the name because it drives me nuts on how it gets mispronounced. Bama; such as Alabama Crimson Tide (great football program). This is by no means an homage to Barack Obama (another time to discuss canonizing any politician). When people ask if it is to honor our president I like to let them know she can barely sit on command let alone read a teleprompter.

Here is the insanity. Saturday and Sunday Bama slept finally all night. Monday and Tuesday she wakes up three times barking so loud I can't pretend to be asleep for my girlfriend to handle the dog. How is it this dog seems to know the difference between weekday and weekend?

I think some people say that raising a dog is good training for becoming a parent. I have thought long and hard about that. I can easily say I have moved any tentative parental experience back another ten years at least.

Summer in the City - a 2009 Thank you note

This summer is not over but man has it been educational for me. I would be wrong to not pass this appreciation along.

Thank you,
-Mr. Homeless Man (under the viaduct) for constantly wiping your feces on the wall I pass daily as I go to work. You have redefined "rock bottom" for me.
-"cash for clunker" for making our government sound like something that is for sale on Sunday mornings before the church broadcast.
-street festivals for making sure washed up musicians can entertain people who love to eat off a stick.
-Chicago weather for being so unpredictable we all sound like lame farmers with a harvest that is going bust.
-women in white pants for mainly being hot; to the 60 year olds in denial, this is a fashion statement of a woman that is significantly more attractive. Even if you are going on a boat that day.
- The Cubs for being 45 days ahead of schedule and just buckling now so we can make plans for football season.
-Middle management for keeping MS Excel relevant to non-accountants.
-Michelle Obama for making triceps cool again.
-Bill Clinton for making Bono jealous.
-GM and the housing market for letting my past two major purchases personify financial tragedy.
-iTunes for making a $0.30 increase to the good songs and making me find that Coolio song for $0.69

Corporate Vietnam

I have been told by a few friends that I work for a place that embodies "the office" on NBC. True, we have silly contests with prizes last seen for your kids magazine drive. Yes, we have more internal jargon than a government agency. Where do we really excel? Besides meetings about meeting (get it?) we do have massive micro managed sales events. Costumes are encouraged.

It was just yesterday when I was asked to bubble that up, shortly after being dialed in and bringing it. Now I may not have closed to the point of earning my cup of coffee but it was a banner day for the 61st infantry of the American recession. If the nation was drinking the Kool-aid we are stirring about market progress we could at least get upwards of 10-12 sales on the board.

As we dressed in our favorite movie character dress (we went Breakfast Club- mainly because I got tired of explaining the greatness of Last of the Mohicans), we planned, we called, and we made what is viewed as progress. As we in our cubicles become slowed by the iodized economy it's unfortunate that end the end of the day we get to hang our hat on "maybe."

The beauty of this call blitz was that there were two defining moments. I felt like Red in "Shawshank Redemption" up for parole and explaining what it meant to be rehabilitated. Was my day successful? Of course...denied. Not really...parole granted.

We did get pizza and didn't even need to say pretty please. We did get to play a get to know your coworker a couple weeks before the next swipe of the guillotine. All in all I actually enjoyed yesterday. It was one of a few fun days in the office for this year. I am sure many people are sitting in their office getting drunk of memories of better days. God knows I am wasted.

The Man's Push Up Bra

It has come to my attention that as we all cry for attention in our special way the men of the world have followed the insecure path ladies paved for us. Many years ago we were blessed with the preferred social lie; the push up bra. Now we are as males in no hurry to show knuckle but our equivalent of have a great bust is a great pair of biceps.

There is a trick to fashion to gain the attention of our prey. Tighten it up. I am impressed with how drastically it looked as though we have been working out. Now mind you some may be working out a bit but there is no way we all look like this good. I bought a polo from a department store that is way out of my league in terms of annoying hipsters. I wore the shirt to work on a casual day and was looked at with the face of desire from someone at bar time.

That false sense of security from the under wire or shrunken sleeves really does allow us live to the dream.

Pink, Classy, Sexy, Lunchables

It has come to my attention that in our current economy the generation long push to reuse/recycle has finally taken ground. We no longer discard our shopping bags once we bring home our awesome purchase. As a society we now put dog poop, newspapers, or even our lunches in these bags.

Over the past couple weeks I have noticed the women I work with bringing their lunch in their tiny Victoria Secret bag. Is it a nice lace thong you brought to work Cindy? No sick-o it's my leftover cob from Houlihan's.

I greatly appreciate the double message of bringing your lunch in a panty tote. First off, we know by the size of the bag it's not just your appetite that is bulging. Now I by no means am I desiring anyone to bring their spare panties to work. Secondly, is the bag a reminder not to hook the Tupperware your face like the Belmont Stakes are looming?

Whatever needs to be done to motivate and entice us all, just leave the carrot sticks at home.

Ruffles and Rubbers

When it rains and girls wear those calf high rubber boots... I vomit. No girl looks cute, hot, or intelligent in them. If you are looking to catch a predator, keep sporting them. What I like about them is hearing the rationalization of how stupid they look for actual logical benefit. It's like the UGG has been dethroned.

There can not be a better visual demonstration that mob rule exist such as women's fashion. Currently you can walk outside in the Chicago area and count the women dressed like Harry and Lloyd from "Dumb and Dumber."

I am confused. Is this just a national prank hot women are pulling on gullible women. Ruffles? On the sleeves, collar, and frankly around their other awesome decision, tailbone tat. I can't take anyone serious if it looks like they are a 1970's prom tranny that is on their way to a Calypso Dance Off.

Marriage Material; Structurally Unsound

The news today reports Billy Joel and his third wife are getting a divorce. WTF? How hard is it to love Billy Joel? Live in the Hamptons, drink a bottle of red, a bottle of white, hire a d.d., and erase all evidence of "uptown girl."

This news alarms me more than a guy that looks like Billy can land Christie Brinkley (how can no one marry her either?). Here we have one of the greatest musicians of our time or at least 70's and early 80's and he can't stick the landing. I have heard of people being gluttons for punishment but first of getting married is painful enough, three times to boot. Can you be so twisted that you get off on paying alimony?

Maybe Billy is getting back at all his ex girlfriends that hurt him by dumping these hot women. What may be even more tragic is he genetic handouts were non-musical. God sure had a good chuckle sending out the looks of Billy Joel with the brains of Christy. Their kid is right up their with early Chelsea Clinton as all-time unfortunate looking offspring.

How is Billy able to pick up women that are not hitting menopause or in a high school a capella choir? Can some VS model really still be enamored by someone saying that they "didn't start the fire?" Are women that set with being the one to tame the bull? It looks like anyone now will be able to get their eight seconds.

Hold on tight ladies, prenups are slippery.

Fire v. Fire

My girlfriend lives with me. She moves in officially next month.

When you merge lives together there is an immediate catastrophic reaction. Clean meets messy and everything I knew to be defined was suddenly under review. Based completely on how my closet space has been abducted, I am lead to believe men were not the drivers of the great American land rush.

It took a good four months or so to get my girlfriends shoes to stop hooking up in the night and reproducing like Gremlins. It took me nearly ten months to realize the best way to end any shoe clutter problem in your home and reclaim what was (albeit briefly) yours in the first place. I adopted a puppy.

The key is not a dog but a puppy that will for about five months at least eat anything unless it bites her back. Shoes don't fight back. Four weeks into owning my dog and there are no shoes on the floor and nor is there the traditional work day shrapnel strewn about the house.

I will take the barking and the initial housebreaking. Let's face it, we have to housebreak our spouses too. As of right now the dog has regulated not just the messes but also the clinically obese cat I inherited with my love. It's no trip to the Serengeti but I sure love watching that cat get forced out onto a balcony for hours of privacy.

Even Gang Bangers Hurt in Recession

This is probably an odd thought but I wonder how the gangs are doing right now. The only data that I have is from my best source for gang related news, the graffiti in the public bathrooms. It has come to my attention that frankly the explicitness and over-all degeneration of random names is down. There seems to be no more debates handled while on the thrown and that alarms me.

I have always found the recruitment process for gangs to be hilarious in itself. As I conducted a sit down meeting recently at work I noticed something. A gang sign had been etched into the wall of the stall. Now I work in a rather professional setting. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. Next time you see someone that looks like they fell out of a J.Crew ad they very well could be a street hooligan.

What is the purpose of tagging a corporate public bathroom anyway? Back off man we own this turf! Not quite the managing partners of this building are not the Kings, Queens or any Jack hole name derived of successful government structure. I don't think that it is much success to say they tagged a vacant bathroom. It's not like I brag every time I am able to toss my clothes in the hamper and no one sees it.

On the other hand it would be pretty comical to see the next white collar crime become hazing in the workplace.

I didn't sink my battleship

It has been a bit too long since I have been on stage and well that's my fault. It's a strange concept to think that when I did more stand up I felt that I was less focused than I am now. Well I will be back on stage a couple times this week.

Now I have said that lie before but frankly too many people are not laughing at what I know will work. Unless I get some new coworkers or family members I need to get out there and do some more performances.

Let's not get crazy here I never have been out 5 nights a week doing open mic work. I like to write out what I feel will laugh and then polish it out in front of often times the "oops we have a comedy show" bar nights.

I can promise you that the show will go on. Maybe not to either of our preferred schedules but I assure you I will embarrass myself and make us all swallow some jagged pride because there is no greater punchline than our own lives.

If you are laughing at yourself someone is so be first to do. No one likes a follower.

Another Reason to Hate Ford

Last night I learned the cost of procrastination. I had to dig out the car that was not moved at all during the first big storm of the year. What makes this even better was the car was parked at the corner of two one way streets. No other car was given the Han Solo treatment. Not only was digging out bad, I had to dig under the car too.

That being said we were able to move the car and it was about 60% out of the space. Clearly indicating that it's stuck and we are at the mercy of the creepy shovel crushing I used to free the car from ice. Enter some D.B. driving his Ford sedan. He starts to turn the corner like to come down the road. Hello, we are at the corner. Sitting there for five or so minutes, we waived him off and what does he do? Asks us to move the car back into the spot that was a curbside coffin.

This dude floors it to go around the block and back down the street so he doesn't need to walk his cheap ass more than a block. After two hours of shoveling, it's good to know that those who go an extra mile may not do it out of generosity but for a mere confirmation that socially they are worthless.

Holy Crap! A new post...here comes the storm

Wow, so taking about eight months off really allows for me to be ready to write. Where are we now? One of my favorite times, start of winter.

There is something to be said about the start of winter in the midwest. For some it's a time blend their inability of portion control with their insisting on turtle necks being slimming. I like that this time every year on the eve of the big storm we get all crazy. McCarthy would be proud of the weather channel and it's subsidiaries.

I wish we could have the short term memory we do for weather for the economy. No way! It snows a lot in December? Next you're going to tell me that in April it rains like a mother. It's swell that we can talk about the weather. I like how vanilla people are when it comes to the weather. If you care about the weather and have no harvest or parade planned, shut your mouth.

End of the Road

Ok, so I should have posted a while ago. Too much is going on and I do apologize. The tour was great. I have come to the following conclusions as I have let the memories settle.

1. There's a good chance I looked like a moron with what I wore in college.
2. East coast prep school kids have it tough too, after all they had peel and eat shrimp on their buffet for Thursdays only.
3. NYC is a dump, full of culture, 2nd rate pizza, and no garbage cans.
4. It's not hard to loose weight when you eat one full meal a day and it comes from a school cafeteria.
5. Single sex schools are a breeding ground for the highest amount of homo-phobic heckling.
6. Dale Ernhardt is the JFK of the south.
7. Grown men can go into Chocolate world (Hershey PA) as long as they keep mentioning their niece and nephews' need for candy.
8. When the phrase "motor lodge" is in your amenities don't expect a continental breakfast.
9. Street fights in Boston are best on St. Patrick's Day.
10. Based on their overall disdain for life the position at the US border with Canada must be a demotion.

Billy Joel is a Liar

The past week has been full of great shows and no internet to document it. So as I write you all there are only two shows left on this epic voyage of laughs. This whole week we are in the Philly area and that is great so I can get ready for the international haul pending.

We are visiting the town of Allentown. Like the Billy Joel song but apparently he didn't expect people to visit. We pulled into town and there is an amusement park with water slides! How can this place be percieved as dreary? It makes no sense.

Today I was treated to Chik-filet for the first time in my life. It was ok nothing over the top insane like Arby's. The past week or so I have forgone on all deep fried food and recently I have eliminated carbonated beverages except red bull and beer. Really is there a need for any other?

Yesterday I unpacked at the hotel and finally had my first casaulty of the road. My shampoo bottle opened while in my bag. Fortunately a few years ago my dad gave me a bag for that stuff so only my bathroom stuff was slimed by V05. (yes, I bathe with the legacy of 1980s volumizing and body.)

When we eat we tend to take what is given from the schools to cut our cost. Over time of the tour I have fallen out of touch with my common dietary items (never pizza though). I went about two weeks without a beer and upon the first couple of swigs while falling off the unintentional wagon; it burned going down. Yet it satisfied like always. I felt like the plant left on the windowsill during a trip and someone finally came to water me.

What may even be stranger is how I have drank less milk than ever. Lately when I get a glass of milk it quenches like no other, ok maybe beer or other fine beverages.

Civil War v 2.0

Last two shows were great. Penn State Mont Alto was first and we did well there and the crowd was into the show. Unlike the UNC campuses, the Penn State ones are all Nittnay Lions not just the main campus.

Earlier it should be noted that while we picked Joe up from his illustrious commercial shoot back home, Ryan went through and drove. He was joking around with the toll booth person and then went to the far left like she mentioned and well, the far left was the lane for oncoming traffic on the highway. We weren't sure at first but when a semi-truck passed us going the same way on the other side of the median, we knew we were in trouble. Add the rain to it too.

Prior to that (sorry for reverse chronology) Ryan and I went to Hershey PA, and Chocolate World. AKA the best place in the world. I bought the best shake there ever.

We then stopped in Gettysburg for a tick. I have been there a couple times since my mom is nuts about that stuff. Ryan was animate getting into a scuffle with us so he could say we all fought in Gettysburg. His joke. Great historical humor.

Then we drove to Amish town and had a killer buffet done wholesome. Amish postcards are the best thus far. Sorry to say only 2 will be sent out.

Last night we performed at the school formerly known as Beaver College. It appears that all the knobs left campus once they changed names about 5 years ago. The show went well and we were interviewed after the show by the campus paper (surely an assignment). That was a great moment as well. It's always cool to get those little moments of support. The Napoleon hit well again with post show applause and I appreciate all those kind words.

It has come to my attention that I will probably never be able to cut my hair again.